Getting Started

It took acknowledging my problem. It took acknowledging the feelings I so wished to repress to finally be where I am today. I won't lie and say that I am fully free , fully healed from the ache and insecurities that I have imposed on myself. But I have grown so much, and I am continuing to grow. Everyday I see the subtle changes in myself, and the resulting sense of contentment is baffling. I didn't know this happiness and this love for myself was possible.

It's not to say that what worked for me is what will work for everyone. I am not naive. I know that I have been blessed with an easy life compared to most. I am blessed with a loving family, a welcoming home, an education, and a healthy life. The only real problem I have ever been presented with is myself. And so, you may read this, roll your eyes and state that I can't possibly understand what you're going through. 

You're probably right. I don't know you. I don't know the struggles you have or continue to face. What worked for me, may not work for you. But as all I'm suggesting is a little bit of self-reflection, I can't imagine how my words can cause any harm. It's worth a try isn't?

Ignoring is Bliss

For years, I believed that the only way to get rid of my pain was to forget it. As if these dreadful feelings would cease to exist if only I ignored them long enough. As if, if I no longer wished to be sad, I could simply choose to pretend I wasn't. I mean could choose to pretend. It's what I did for a long time. But it certainly didn't get me anywhere. Nothing was being solved. Because I was pretending. I wasn't acknowledging.

All of my sadness stemmed from being shy. Or so I thought. In reality all of my sadness stemmed from my reaction to being shy. This epiphany reminded me of the words a teacher once bestowed on me. She said that stress itself isn't harmful. There are good kinds of stress; like wedding day jitters or starting a new job. It is our reaction to stress that holds the power. Stress only becomes harmful if we let it... Easier said than done, right?

Believe me I know. I cannot count the number of times friends or family members, who I know now were only trying to help, advised me that I just needed to stop being shy. Those few words never failed to induce fury. I didn't understand how they could think I was capable of just not being shy. As if it was a switch I could turn on and off. There was nothing I hated more than being shy. If I had known then how to be any different, I would have done so.

But being shy wasn't the problem. I had known for years that I was shy. It was rather difficult not to know, especially as everyone around me constantly reminded me of it. I was known as the shy girl, the quiet girl. It's the way I was always remembered. Remembered for the flaming red face, the few words, and nervous gaze. I hated it. Hated that people chose my deepest insecurity as my most memorable feature. I was known and described as the very characteristic that I hated the most about myself. But being shy wasn't the problem. My reaction to being shy was the problem.

In itself, there is nothing wrong about being shy. It does not make you any lesser of a person. I wish I had known that then. To me being shy, meant the inability to hold a conversation, stuttering around my peers, blushing at any type of human interaction, etc. And those were things that held me back. Of course, I would have loved to have to gone up on stage and dance with my friends. I would have loved to actually get to know new people when I went on that school trip. I wanted to fit in. I wanted the world to see the real me. The me I knew was deep inside me; the me the Shy was hiding. And it was okay that I wanted it. But all I ever did was daydream about it or attack myself because I felt unworthy. I was my own worst enemy. It wasn't fair to hate myself because I was shy. Being shy was part of who I was. It is still part of who am, though I am considerably less shy today than I was then.

      As strange as this will sound, to get over my hatred of being shy, to help ease my timidness, I had to first embrace it. Yes. I finally embraced it, only to begin to get rid of it. On top of seeking to see past the shyness, to highlight my qualities, I sought to find the positive in my timid qualities. Maybe people would have liked to hear me speak more, but my silence wasn't all bad. It made me observant. I noticed subtle changes that most missed. I saw when someone felt left out, when someone was sad or anxious. Maybe I didn't know what to say, but I like to think that the small smiles and understanding eyes were helpful. When someone's voice was drowned out by another's, I made sure to keep listening. I gave them my full attention, because I know what it's like to feel misheard. I believe it is all this noticing that helped me develop the compassionate traits that I so value.

     As I became aware of these traits I valued in myself, I realized that I liked myself more than I initially believed. I made the decision to try to be kinder to myself. When I found myself thinking negatively or belittling myself, I forced myself to pause, forced myself to dig deeper. What made me feel that way? What made me believe my friends were annoyed with me? Had they said anything to make me feel that way? Why did it matter what others thought of me? As I began to question my emotions, questioned their root, I realized that often there was no answer. None of my friends showed signs of being angry with me. There was no reason to believe people were judging the way I was walking or talking. I was placing ideas in my own head, based on my insecurities. And though I had a lot of work ahead of me, the Acknowledging was the first step in my journey to self-enlightenment and self-love.

Your Turn

I know life gets busy, and sometimes it can be difficult to find time to care for ourselves, even small acts like self-reflection, so while I have you here, I'll ask you to reflect on your Acknowledging.

Is there something you believe you're not acknowledging? Are there feelings or insecurities that you so wish to avoid, that you find yourself stashing them away in the deepest darkest parts of your mind?

I know it's scary, but just this once, try bringing them to light, and ask yourself why you feel that way. Like a toddler learning to speak, Why has become one of my favourite words.