Beyoncé

Waves don't die,they move on and on. Sinking into the warm sandy shore and just like a sponge the sands disperses the water back into itself; rejuvenating it, regaining it. Pull me in you ask the cold water,it only does so when you let it.

Just like water we drift away from one another, separating with our hands stuck out trying to reach for the once hand you held onto but gradually you drift further and further away from one another. "Don't let me go." she pleads with every strength and will coming from her voice and heart coming from her soul."I promise" He whispers against her soothing skin,is it configured? Is this the truth not only in thy word but in thy soul? Is it? Is it?

I tapped my pen against the dark wooden varnished table I was seated behind, on a black leather chair. I looked down at the paper that if I signed, would officially mean I'd leave my music label for good. This was a tough decision, especially considering that this was my entire life's career going down the drain. All the years I've put in; the countless hours; salty tears and bitter sweat; the daily doubt and numerous sacrifices.

As hard as this was going to be for me, I truly felt as if letting all of this go would be worth it in the end. I had a beautiful family that I wanted to give my undivided attention to. I wanted to spend every waking moment of my life with my two amazing children. If giving up everything I've worked my entire life for is what it would take to make this all possible, I was very willing to do so. No questions asked.

I want to spend more time with my children and actually just be an ordinary mother. I want to take my kids to school, go on picnics with them, go to the beach and take them to the local park. I didn't want any paparazzi stopping me from making those things possible. Being a stay at home mother was something I had no doubt I'd enjoy. I had more than enough money to do so for the rest of my life, if that was what I wanted.

I figured I'd stay at home until my children ate a reasonable age, maybe early teens, then maybe I'd go back to music or do whatever I please. I've always wanted to paint, I could be a painter.

I know there was no way that I'd ever go unrecognised. I'm not that delusional, I'd forever be know as Beyoncé, music legend. I just feel as though I'd be giving my kids a bit more privacy if the world thought that I had retired. I don't want my children to be in the limelight and get exposed to so much online slander and criticism. If I stay singing, I'll be forced to bring them to these events.

There may be a possibility that none of this works. I may never get the privacy or normal life that I crave, but a girl can only dream. I could still keep my career but who'd be with my kids? Both Chris and I have very demanding careers. My mother's clothing business has recently taken off and has become very successful. Solange's musical journey has just started up again, and she's also a full time mother. No one else but myself could do it.

I know what you're thinking. I could just simply get a nanny, but I don't trust random strangers around my kids. I absolutely refuse to let another women do my job.

Chris on the other hand doesn't even know about this decision that I've chosen to make. I know as a wife, this is something that I should've discussed with him beforehand, but his been making all kind of decisions without me and behind my back, so I figured that it wouldn't be that big of a deal once he's found out. And it's not as though I'm keeping this from him, I'll tell him eventually. Just not right now.

I breathed in and out deeply and thought over the pros and cons this decision might bring. This is all for the best. I know it is. I signed the paper, snapping out of my train of thought.

"I'll send this over to the label for you  and we'll deal with the rest, Mrs Brown." Tom said taking the paper and slipping it in a brown envelope. I nodded opening the door for him and I thanked him before he went out.

I went into the living room to see Reagan playing games on his iPad and Sabrina drawing with the tv playing Sofia the first. They were so occupied whilst here I am with the awful feeling that my husband could be in New York at this very moment, possibly dismaying me,but I've got to trust him,right? He loves me just as much as I love him. He wouldn't do anything to hurt or embarrass me.

What is trust but a thought,or could it be an action? I shake the thought out of my head when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. The tongue emoji flashed across my screen. I rolled my eyes knowing very well Chris saved himself as that, he was face timing me so I slid my finger across the screen answering it.

"My word,I look ratchet." I mutter to myself as I noticed the small square showcasing me in the corner. He arched his eyebrow wondering, what I just said. Did I ever mention how his eyebrow outruns my whole existence.

"What did you say? Is there something on my face?" I giggled at his confusion as I took a bite of one of the kid's mini carrot sticks.

"The only problem is that bush you're growing over there, looking like the Amazon relocated." I teased him, I like playing with his feelings. He's just so cute when he starts defending himself.

"Stop hating, my fans love this look and it's trending so watch it."

"Just because it's trending, don't mean it's cute, so exit with that." He flipped me off and I clutched my heart playfully as if I was touched.

"Y'know what that ish ain't cute,where are my kids?" I rolled my eyes making my way to the living room.

"What about me? Wifey don't exist?" I pouted.

"Mrs.Brown who?" I sighed turning the phone around to show Bri and Reagan who were busy on the floor, they both exclaimed in excitement running towards me dropping everything. I smiled watching them want to talk to their father. It really was a deep warmth to the heart. Reagan took the phone out of my hands and walked away with Bri besides him.

"I miss you, daddy." Bri says with her small voice into the phone. "And guess what? I tumble." She covered her mouth surprised at her own actions.

"My baby did what? You tumble?" He played along acting surprised even though he clearly didn't know what she quite meant.

"Brina stole my cars, mimi gave to me and-"

"B-but daddy,Ganie push me." She interrupted Reagan by speaking louder than him and they continued back and forth with Chris' voice shouting in the background telling them to stop.

"Continue to make noise in this house, continue and you'll see burger Sunday go bye-bye." I clapped my hands obtaining their attention. They both kept quiet and spoke to their father in an orderly fashion. I went upstairs to the bathroom to get their vitamins ready for supper since it was getting pretty late.

I hear giggles and hysterical laughs come from downstairs. He's probably telling them some made-up story about his day which he always does. He's such a great father and he doesn't even realise it. I open the medicine cabinet taking out the gummy bear vitamins then closing the mirror cabinet. There my vanity in open view, something I tend to shy away from; the mirror.

I hate to admit that I despise looking at myself. It's as if I've changed ever since my pregnancy. I placed the buds of my finger tips onto the mirror lightly emitting breath from my lips. I hate that I can't please my husband because I turn him off with this grotesque body I've grown into. I see his pleads to pleasure me but I can't stand to see his face transition when he sees me and starts speaking false words into my ear.

I move a piece of my hair aside placing it behind my ear watching my hazel irises look back at me. My insecurities eat me up like a hungry animal that hasn't had a meal in weeks. I feel like my confidence is drowning in the confines of a great tsunami. An overwhelming feeling arises in me. My hands shaking and trembling which causes the bottle of vitamins to fall out of my hands and my cheeks heat up. I felt the warm liquid roll down my cheeks.

How have I let myself down like this? I pick up the vitamins and place them back into the cabinet and I grab the bottle of pills that Chris takes when he has anxiety attacks. I pour a half of my hand full of the pills and pop them in my mouth drinking some water to help them go down.

"Mommy, don't cry" I hear Reagan's voice at the doorway,I divert my attention to him. I notice he only ended the face time now. I hope he didn't see anything. He walked over to me handing me the phone then wrapping his small tiny arms around me,well not all the way round. I hugged him back kissing the top of his forehead.

"Everything is going be alright." He says.

I love my little man so much but he wouldn't understand what I'm going through,the only thing he did seem to get was that his mother was in pain.

***

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