Rick wouldn't let me down, carrying me on the outskirts of the compound.

"Let me down, Rick. I can walk just fine." I barely recognised my own voice, hoarse with grief.

"I know you can." He looked straight ahead, jaw clenched.

"I need to get back to my babies." My body trembled at the realisation. What kind of mother am I? Leaving my children while some psycho is out there?

His steps never faltered, walking straight for the barracks. "I've got it covered." The tone in his voice, or lack thereof, only built on my anxiety.

"Rick! If you don't let me go now, I swear to God himself-"

"Aaron sent a party out as soon as he saw you. Your babies and husband are almost here."

The barracks had completely transformed since I'd last seen it. Someone had painted it bright colours, with beautiful butterflies and flowers swirling across the converted house. The furniture, although still steel and medical, was covered in pastel fabrics.

Rick finally let me down, shutting the door behind us. "Take a seat. I'll have Siddiq have a look over you."

Just as I shook my head, a hand clasped my shoulder. Without a thought, I grabbed them and twisted, earning me a yelp.

"Gahhhhh!" The guy in the white coat whimpered.

"Rackel! Let go of him!" Rick said, like I was the crazy one.

"Were you born yesterday?" I hissed. what kind of fucker in this day and age creeps up on a survivor if they don't want a set of broken digits? I grunted at the idiot before letting go of his hand.

The doctor held his fingers up and sighed in relief. "Thank God."

"Rackel's here?" Maggie said, "I can't wait to see the twins! I've heard so much about them! Our babies are going to grow up as the best of friends!"

She didn't know. I guess I could understand that. I mean, who wants to tell the new mother that her husband was ... dead? How am I going to tell her?

I couldn't think of anyone that wouldn't be affected by this atrocity; this senseless act of barbarism. What could Alexandria have done to deserve this?

But then it hit me. Lydia, he'd said. Should've sent Lydia packing.

"Who's Lydia, Rick?" I breathed, grasping at anything that could make sense. "What did you mean: I should've let Lydia go when I is the chance?"

"Not right now." The sheriff tucked his thumbs in his pant loops, his head turned skyward. "Just, not right now, okay?"

The pleading edge to his tone took me aback. The stony resolve that I'd grown used to had evaporated, replaced with a withered husk, gravelly pleading in its wake.

"Okay." My head sunk down as I got up and paced from one side of the barrack to the other. Movement will keep the pictures out.

They're not real. It's not real. It's all not real.

It could've been days until Negan and my babies arrived. The signature wail of my "second" born tore me out of my autopilot. I look over to Eric and his rosy face, hands reaching out of his seat.

I ran to him, holding him to my cheek. His warmth transferred to my skin, as his tiny fingers grabbed at my nose. His colour returned to normal, as our close proximity calmed us. "My baby, my baby, my baby boy."

"Rackel?" My husband's low rumble jabbed at me. His indignant demeanour harrowing over me. He made me fucking sick. I couldn't look at him as nausea welled up. I knew if I looked at him I'd see Daryl again, and I couldn't. I just couldn't.

Turning my body away, I focused on my boy's eyes. But he felt the shift, little perceptive bub. Eric's face scrunched up like a dried prune. I wanted to soothe him, but I was shaking. My extremities trembled and Rick was trying to my baby.

You have to. You have to let him help.

"I'm I-" scrambled brains did not make for coherent phrases. My rib cage rattled with each rapid breath.

Get down low, I told myself. Get down low before you fall off this goddamn stool.

"Get up, Rackel! For fuck's sake," Negan hollered, causing Violet's tears. "He's dead. I can't fix this, sweetcheeks. I'm hanging on by a fucking thread too."

I lay down on the linoleum, trying to block him out. Raindrops are falling on my head ...

"Look at me!" His voice broke, gargled down.

He's crying.

The room stayed silent, and I rolled over.

My husband's eyes were glassy as he let Siddiq take Violet's bassinet. I could've sworn his lip trembled as he ran his finger down his bleeding cheek. "Now you know I love the kinky shit, but this might be a bit fucking much, don't you think?"

As the words came out of my mouth I knew they were unfair, but I couldn't stop myself. I was so angry, and he was the best punching bag. "You killed him. You've always hated him and you were over the moon that you were the one to end him."

"You were heading straight for him. Your hands all open wide, begging to get bit." He bared his teeth as the awful grinding sound filled the room. "You don't get to fuck me over like that, princess. Leave me with all the shit to deal with." His voice was husky, as he harpooned me. "Leave me with our kids."

Was that what I was doing?

It had been all a calamity, a blur of broken dreams and nightmares. "I don't want to," I breathed. "I just..."

"What?"

"I loved him too, you know." I was underwater, saline blurring my vision. "I know I wasn't supposed to. But I did."

He sighed, brow furrowed. "I know, princess. I know." And he walked out of the room.

A/N
Thank you soooo much to the readers that are still here! I've gotten quite a few heart-warming messages of late asking about this story, and I've gotta say that I've missed writing it.
I'm going to be writing a new chapter weekly from now on, and can't wait to see you all around
Much love xox