Avyanna POV:

What does it mean to encumber? The Merriam-Webster definition is 'to weigh down, burden, or hinder. The definition is so specific yet so vague. A tree can encumber you. Yet, anxiety can as well. Two completely different things, but can both be described by one word.

In my case it is psychological. So often my thoughts encumber my mind to the point of insomnia. They are the only things that keep me up at night.

Not the crickets outside of my window. Not the dog across the street that awakes at night and howls, due to starvation. Not the family next door that blasts Kanye's song, "Gold Digger" on loudspeakers, every Thursday at midnight. Nothing but my thoughts.

No matter how much I try I can't make it stop.

It was my fault.

I never understood the quote, "Till this moment I never knew myself." Back then I thought I knew myself better than anyone.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Now it seems as though everything I thought I knew was dead. My dreams seemed unreachable. The thought of myself disgusted me. I don't even know myself anymore.

The truth is I never knew myself. What I knew was an illusion. A fantasy.

One that I created. One that I shattered. With my own hands like a porcelain doll that just slipped through my fingers.

But instead, it was my soul. Much much heavier than a glass doll. But so much more valuable. And I let it go.

I might have many different thoughts that keep me up, but this is the one that surfaces to the top the most.

Who am I?

Am I mean? Am I charismatic? Am I nice?

I would ask my parents but they would get too worried. Send me to some therapist because they feel as though I haven't healed.

But I don't want to go to a therapist. All they will do is ask me the same question I ask myself.

Who am I?

So why go when I don't even know the answer? I could figure it out on my own.

I would ask my best friend, Clara, but she wouldn't know what to see. She would freeze up.

We never talk about the incident. She feels too bad. She feels as if it's her fault. Blames herself for not being there for me.

All though she never told me this I know. I can see it in her eyes when we talk. No matter how much she tries to hide it.

After she realizes what I ask her she will not so discreetly change the topic. She will change it to a much lighter one.

I know I should feel great since I won't have to go through such a touchy topic, but I don't. If anything it only irks me.

If I asked the question I want to know the answer. I don't want to be dismissed like some old toy.

I want to be heard. Maybe that's who I am.

A bird trying to escape her cage. A cage where her mouth is muffled and she is unable to scream. A cage without hope.

If that's the question, then when will I break away?

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