16/02/20

I have to try updating more

i kind of hate life at the moment

Going to sleep for the past week has been terrifying, and storm Dennis hasn't been making it any better

basically, I think it was Monday morning, I went to bed at around 1am. I later woke up because of a nightmare at around 2:45am and didn't sleep till 3:30am.

It's this recurring nightmare. There's this element that's commonly found in it. It's this card, or this pack or cards. Whenever I get it in my dream, I instantly get this feeling that something bad is about to happen. Once, a few months ago, I got a pack of cards in a shop, and when leaving the shop, I passed the murderer. Later on, when I was at home, it came up on the news that after I left, someone went around killing people. Their face was so close to the screen it scared me.
This latest time, it happened twice. The first time, I was in a house with people. The people, I didn't recognise, but it was clear they were family of mine. The house was being built taller and taller, and most of us were on the top, roofless floor, watching it being built. These older teens, they climbed up over the walls and just began running everywhere. But one of them just gave me the worst feeling. He had blond hair and this red jacket and jeans and ah I don't know
Then after a while, I was downstairs in a room with a few children. I still didn't recognise them, but I could still tell they were family. Like, my very Mauritian family. And I seemed like the oldest one there. I was already having this bad feeling, then the door in front of me, the door to the room, it opened, and there was this man in front of it. He was visibly drunk, still looked like family. He was wearing a dirty red and white shirt and loose trousers and his cheeks were tight and drawn into his face. He was relatively thin. And he was holding a knife. A big knife. Every child with me froze, and I watch him walk past me while I was trying 999 on my phone to call the police. He goes to one of the kids, and I think he cuts him close to his collarbone. Not his neck, not his shoulder. In between them. It's deep, he begins bleeding, the children are screaming, I've called the police and run from the room. I tell my parents and they smile as the murderer gets taken away by police. He passes me, and bumps into me, and tells me that I'm next.

So yeah, that was my nightmare

I get that I want to die and all, but it's just scary. After I woke up that night, I hid under the covers, hugging my teddy unicorn, shaking a little bit and texting some people to try and help me calm down. I didn't want to get out of bed in case there was someone outside my door that heard me and would bust into my room and push me down and stab me. I didn't want to sleep because I felt like I'd be vulnerable to anything.

Every night since then, when I turn off the lights and close the door, I turn on our lamp (it's remote controlled so I can control it from bed) and get into bed as soon as I can. I put my headphones on, so I can't hear the door shaking or any delusional footsteps my head makes me hear.

Storm Dennis or whatever hasn't been helping either. Last night/this morning, I get into bed at around 2am. I was going to go to sleep immediately, then, I heard the door shaking, and I got scared. Again, i felt like there was someone outside coming for me. I share a room with my sister, and I didn't want her to be traumatised by seeing me dying

So that's fun

I've also been feeling like second choice lately. I don't feel important and loved and I feel useless and easily forgotten and it hurts sometimes. I'm getting stressed really easily and ahhh. I just don't feel loved and feel like a waste of air, space, and resources (food, water)

I was overall clean for around a month. I got  stressed and gave up. I scratched my skin raw with a ruler. This morning, I spent an hour playing around with the injury. I'd stabbed needles through it, and sewed into it. It was bleeding. It looked chaotic and bloody and I kind of liked it

My days start off well, then go down to shit. What a surprise