Warning: self harm

Ok, so, I may or may not have hurt myself again. Y'all can guess where based on the numbers on my bio. I'm sorry

I had an argument with my dad and I felt so bad for it. I don't know why I did, worse things have happened before. I tried distracting myself, I started my homework again, I watched some funny videos, I couldn't. There was this voice in my head that kept reminding me "You know, you're alone for a bit, and there's a knife downstairs waiting for you. You haven't seen blood there in a while, why not now? You have a reason to too. You're such a terrible person." My mind told me all of that, over, and over, and over, and over.

I gave in. I looked at myself in the mirror quickly, telling myself I was doing something terrible, but the voice just said "You deserve it. You want it too, don't you?" I went downstairs, and... no need to explain what happened then

All while I was holding the knife, the taunting voice was telling me "Bravo, good for you, you deserve this."

But suddenly, there was this other voice. It sounded like the other voice, but it was higher, and it sounded warmer and kinder, and hopeful in a way. It was telling me to stop what I was doing, that I didn't have to do this, it wasn't that big.

I listened to the first one

To me, the most twisted part, was that I was smiling. I dragged the knife, saw the blood, and began smiling. I realized I was smiling, then I wanted to cry all over again. I was smiling at something that others are not happy I do. I was smiling at something that could potentially kill me if I continue. I'm a terrible person

 What the actual hell is wrong with me?