20/11/19

Im not sure whether I love or hate social Education. It gives me story ideas and things to research and topics to discuss and look into. But the topics we talk about in class, they make me think about myself. And I hate it.

So, in today's lesson, we spoke about romantic and sexual relationships (mostly between younger people) bullying, how far teachers can go in helping a student and a bit more that I cant remember

Two things discussed in the lesson made me think about myself. I'll only be sharing one of them in this chapter. Don't ask about the other

Ok, so, last year, end of October 2018, the head of year called me in to talk to me. Apparently someone had been worried and told the teacher about me and my friends I think? I don't remember. She asked me about how I was feeling and stuff

At that time, I had major self hate issues, let's just say. I still do, kind of, but then, it was worst. I can't really compare or describe how worst, but it was worst. I'd always hear my self hate as if it was someone else inside my head speaking to me. The person in my head has the same voice as me, but meaner. That's Rotten Cherry, from my bio. My self hate became its own person

I told the teacher that I was hearing a mean voice. There was one voice, and that voice was telling me horrible things about myself. She asked me if I'd hurt myself, and I just said that I'd bitten myself and pull my hair sometimes. In terms of self harming, i am worst now than I was then, but what I was then was worst that just hair pulling and biting. In October, I'd begun cutting my thighs, which meant they were a little deeper and bled for a little longer than my arms and hips.

The head of year called my parents, informed one of the safety management staff, and I got referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services).

Like I said above, today, in social education, we learnt about telling teachers our problems and what they can do about it. One student asked if the teacher would have to tell someone else if a student told them a problem, and the teacher said something like "there's only so much a teacher can do, before they have to talk to a safety management staff"

And I was just sitting there like, my problems were told to a safety management staff. I was referred to someone out of school. And all that, is from me saying I hear a bad voice and occasionally hurt myself

I just thought, what wouldn't they have done if they knew how bad the voices really were, and how I was really also cutting and scratching myself? If I'd been completely honest with them What's the next step after being referred? Is there something beyond that?

What would they do if they knew about me now? Me now, I still hate myself, and my self harm has gotten worst than it was then, honestly. I seriously thought about how far they could try and help, and it's scary

Also, I began crying before form time because of something, and a classmate saw me and asked if I was ok. All I said was that I'd poked myself in the eye on accident. She believed me

I don't know whether I love or hating being good at pretending