24/05/20

Woooooooooo look at that, it's 10pm! My parents want me to go to sleep but I'm not exactly sleepy at the moment. And they let my sister into the room whilst I'm 'trying to sleep'. Terrible idea, she literally came in the room, I told her parents wanted me to sleep and to be quiet and she almost burst out laughing

So, I have a fucked up sleep schedule. It used to be that it wasn't unhealthy, it was just wrong. Now I'd say my sleep schedule is becoming increasingly unhealthy.

If anyone doesn't know, @cherrylibra28 on Instagram. I use my story and my highlights to track my sleep. For like a month, I've been getting into bed at 5am, sleeping at around 6am, and waking up at 2am

Then a few days ago, I had a big emotional plummet. I got into bed 2 hours earlier because I didn't trust myself being near my table, uhh, dangerous thoughts began appearing and I started crying. I was being mean to myself for something I couldn't control. I've had similar thoughts before, however, the only time that it was this intense was over a year ago, when internalised homophobia was a thing I felt.

I guess sometimes I'm glad to have friends in America, because when you're about to have a breakdown at 4am and UK peeps are setting the example you should be following (sleeping), it's 11pm for them and they're usually up.

But yeah. I stayed on my phone all night because I kind of didn't trust myself not being on my phone for a distraction against my thoughts

Then, I stayed up all day so that I didn't become fully nocturnal, which went terribly, uhh, because I stayed up till 2am, then slept throughout the entire day, waking up at 6pm...

I stayed up all night that night, then stayed up all day to try and fix it, and here we are. Yeah, that's me. This is why I should be asleep, except being awake and having this argument about lamps and torches with intoomanyfandoms13 is much better :)))

Ask anyone I've spoken to today, I have not been myself. I've been absolutely insane. I cried of laughter at the most unfunny things twice. I literally laugh after every single fucking sentence. I was coming up with the stupidest shit like "do you think babies know about the concept of age?" I would ramble about something forever, my parents had to bare a lot today
I blame sleep deprivation

However, I see one good part.
After I fell in that emotional plummet, I've been depending on my phone and music to try and keep my out of the thoughts these past few days. Today, i experienced a kind of high I'd never felt before. I felt so out of it it was almost as if I didn't have time to dwell on those thoughts. Which is a major plus. I spent some time with my parents, mostly laughing (me laughing and my parents being like wtf is wrong with our daughter). It was different

Warning: suicide

Also, just something, a few days ago, at like 4am, a friend of mine was messaging me whilst having a panic attack and I was trying to help them. They said that they really appreciated it and wished that they could do the same for me.

I kind of feel like a lot of the time, i don't understand what I feel. It would be so hard to explain it, especially to them because they had this different touch to everything (idk how to explain, there was a situation and they was be only one who dealed with it differently). Kind of wanted to 'test them' to see how they'd react to something i would have said.

It also kind of just got me wondering how important I was? Like, what would change if i just walked off a bridge tomorrow? Or if i jumped off a cliff, what would change? Would it help any people, or would it disadvantage (??) some people)? Idk, my thoughts get weird and dangerous

OK BYE GAYS BE SAFE ❤️❤️