28/04/20

Trigger warning: self harm, suicide

Hey everyone.

So, I've been thinking a lot a lot lately. I'm not sure whether it's because I've been staying up late, meaning I'm more vulnerable to my thoughts, or whether I've just been reading too much WattPad

Ive been trying to fix my sleep schedule a little. I've been trying to sleep at 3am. Be on my laptop till 1, read till 2, then try sleeping at 3.
Then, I'll roll in bed and begin thinking too much and remembering old stuff. Then I'll sit in bed for a little, thinking too much again. Then, I'll go on my phone till 4 or 5 to distract myself.

This morning felt a little rougher the usual. I was thinking about feeling other emotions, I don't actually know how to explain. Every day, I get closer to an age where I'll be able to make my own decisions, and I'll be expected to be independent. And I don't feel capable for that. I don't think I'll ever be. I don't feel safe by myself, as stupid as that may sound. I know I have a few years till then, but I don't feel like I'll be ready in those few years. I began thinking that I want to lose myself in this different world of feelings, however detrimental as it could be for my health. Whether it's getting really really drunk, being high, passed out, stuck in hospital, or simply just dead. I want a different view on life. I can't really explain that either. I just feel like a safety hazard for myself

Ah, i also remembered last night that since I started secondary school, well not exactly, let's say from start of 2018, I've always been living depending off of someone. Since start of 2018, I didn't really plan to make it past 14. I thought I'd barely make 13. The thing I always told myself was 'Make them want to live life. Then you can leave'. I told myself that if I can make someone not want to die, then I can die.
I don't remember what happened to that concept of mine, I just don't use/believe it anymore

I've also been stuck to hurting myself for over 2 years. I feel pathetic. I feel stuck with myself, by myself. It gets sickening at night. I feel like I should know how to deal with myself already. And I can't. After 2 years

I'm trying to watch funny stuff, but it feels exhausting to laugh and smile. I want to force myself to smile, I don't have else to pretend for, I just want to convince myself. Usually, singing or even just screaming songs helps, but I'm not in the mood to do that either. Or when I try to sing, it just doesn't do anything, it doesn't bring any emotion back to me

This feels like a really messy chapter. Im sorry to whoever read this 😅
TAKE CARE EVERYONE!