24/03/20

Hey, so, England be on lockdown now. What fun!

So, today is my sister's birthday. She be 8 years old today. It was a relatively normal day, well, apart from the 'doing work from home' part' (anyone who doesnt know, schools are closed down and we have to do the work at home after it's been set in Google Classroom). They went to Bluewater whilst I stayed at home and got distracted by intoomanyfandoms13 and making OCs. They returned home saying they couldn't really do much apart from by food and medicine.

Whilst my sister was cutting the cake, I thought of memories from her last two birthdays and damn I'm a bitch.

On her 6th birthday, 2 years ago, I remember it was in a school day, and I was crying and screaming at my parents and my sister in the morning before school. I don't remember why, I just remembered whilst me and my sister were both crying, I hugged her and said happy birthday and said I was sorry. So that was fun, and that 'you ruined her birthday' thought haunted me for like a few months after it happened

Then I remember her 7th birthday. That was so awful and I still feel so bad. Me and my dad were in this big argument, and it continued through my sister's birthday. I tried not to speak to him that day. We went to Pizza Express. I remember texting someone, that we were just sitting there, pretending to be such a happy family whilst we were all breaking. All of us. My mum had begun crying whilst getting ready, she was saying that my sister didn't deserve that kind of birthday. My dad was shouting at me that morning. My sister was screaming and crying it was her birthday, she was crying so much. And what was I doing? I was screaming at everyone in the house and my moods were alternating between angry, sad, and numb.

So that was fun

At least I didn't fuck up this birthday. Well, hopefully. She did tell me she hated me today, which is okay because I hate myself too ✌️

My mood has just gone downhill today. What a surprise! This is totally something new. Yeah sure.

I'll be okay, see y'all. Take care!