7/1/2020

Not too sure how to name this chapter 😅

This will be one long chapter, be warned

People often think that being good at a subject, or studying that subject outside of school, is the best thing ever.

Believe me, it isn't. It really isn't.

Yes, you get prizes and many people congratulating you. Tests are easier and you finish work quicker. Your parents treat you a bit better than they usually would, maybe give you money or a gift for getting a good mark. You'll have people coming up to you and asking you to check their answers, or what you got and compare answers. Yes, you get this feeling that you're special

But with that comes great downfall, stress and pressure. You feel like you have to push yourself, you completely have to, or you let everyone down. Everyone, all your classmates, teachers, friends who are proud of you for getting great marks, people who use you to their advantage in class to tell them the answersyour close family, , other family members that your parents have boasted to "oh yeah, my child is the best in her class/year/school at ..." Everyone. I can't state that enough. People know you can do amazing, they don't think "maybe they had a bad day that day" or anything. When you don't get high marks, it's not "aw, that's ok. You still did great!" You'll hear "oh, ... didn't get the highest? What'd you get wrong? Oh."

And then when you cry or you're triggered or you are really down about getting like, 1 mistake, all you hear is "How are you still upset about that?! Look at your mark!!" I swear, getting 99% on something is as bad as failing in a subject. Because when you realise your mistake, you'll beat yourself up over it, and others who haven't experienced that just don't understand how close you were to 100%, how bad you hate yourself for making one mistake, how much yelling you'll get for getting 1 mark off, how disappointed you are in yourself and you'll regret your mistake for ages.

I'll explain myself, and 2 of my friends who have experienced similar things. Well, 1 friend and one old friend

Soooo, I'm one of the best at French, in my class, and in the year. One of the best. And there are many reasons that I just constantly have to explain to everyone.

Basically, ever since I was born, I travelled to France really often as my grandma and my aunt and my cousins lived there. l also went to French lessons outside of school till I was 5. I have Mauritian parents, who speak Creole and French and English to each other, so I began picking up words from a young age
When I was 5, I moved to Mauritius. Mauritians speak Creole, which, in my way of saying it, is a less strict French. Basically broken French (https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/mauritiancreole.htm here are some creole phrases translated into English). Although I went to an international private school where English was the language we were taught in, there were still people in my class who couldn't speak English that well. So to talk to them, or at least make them more comfortable and make the conversation flow more, I'd speak Creole to them.
We also had French lessons in school almost every day, and I was shit at them, just saying. I was shit at French. I remember getting my timetable and seeing that we didn't have French on Thursdays and immediately naming Thursdays as my favourite day of the week.
When I came back to England, we didn't have French in Year 5, I don't think? But we did for a term or two in Year 6, and it was really easy for me. I got 100% in tests, and I did the work really quickly.

When I started Year 7, my German teacher was actually the head of French. And I'd told her, and my French teacher that I speak French at home. When the first French test rolled in, i ended up getting the highest, but someone else got the same mark as me. Let's call her H. So obviously, the teacher told me to work harder, and my parents know about the competition because the teacher told my parents about it.
So I had extra work to do in class and outside of class. I wasn't the only one, there is another Mauritian girl in my class who also speaks French at home, let's call her A. A and me would work through the work together at the back of the class for a while.

Year 7 end of years assessments, I think I got the highest? Year 8, I got 2 awards for having the highest mark. On the end of years, I got 99%. I got 1 mistake in my writing part of the assessment. It was still the highest. The only person I was really aiming to get higher than was H. She speaks French at home more than I do.

French is the only subject I'll revise for. Before the year 8 end of years, I was revising a lot during the quiet revision time, I was chaotically trying to get stuff into my head, even though i knew what was coming would probably be easy. A friend nearby noticed and asked me why I was revising, and I told her about he high expectations and that I'd be letting down around 50 people if I didn't get a high mark. I did get high, but I... I dont even know.

The French teacher put me and H next to each other. We aren't enemies or anything, we're really nice to each other. But we sit next to each other now. We got our reading tests back yesterday. We both didn't get the highest we actually got the same mark, A got the highest. I did 1 silly mistake. We just both hoped that our writing would boost our mark up.

It did, I guess. We got our writing test back today, I got 15/16 for the writing. So, I got 44/47 for the whole assessment, and 94%. H got 14, so she got 91%. A got 15 too, but on her paper, it said that she also had 94.

I did the calculations. She got 96%. She got higher than me. She probably got higher in the year.

I got 94% in my French test, and after school, that's what I told my mum, and she asked me if I had revised for it. I said yes, and she asked me, really disappointedly, "you revised, and you still got 94%?" And I just had to tell her, yes, yes I did. Then she asked me if anyone else got higher than me. I just said that I didn't know, even though the only thing going through my head was that A got higher than me. I'm not mad at A, I'm really proud of her. She's a really nice girl too.

Then my mum goes on about how it's the one subject I'm good at and how I HAVE to be good at it because I studied it outside of school for a long time. And I'm just sitting behind her, close to tears, like "mum, I let you down, I'm really sorry. Yes you're disappointed in me, but i am no much more"

OK NEXT

an old friend of mine, who isn't my friend anymore, she once for 100% in a Computer Science/IT test.

I remember the teacher going up to her after giving her her results and saying congratulations and asking if she's so it for GCSEs, all that.

The next time we had a computer science test, she began crying before the test because she felt like she hadn't done enough revision. And when people told her that she got 100% last time so she shouldn't worry, she said that that was the problem. She had a standard to get up to from that last test, and if you don't reach that, you're forgotten. I feel like it was harder for her because she had to get 100, no less. Once you score something high, people know you as 'the person who scored the highest in ...' If you don't score high the next time, you're known as 'the person who once got the highest in ...' and you're basically forgotten about. What you got before isnt important.  What's important is what you got in that test.

She didn't end up getting 100%. She later just began saying that she hadn't done well that day because she was having a bad day. But even though I do hate her now, I still understand what she meant because I guess, I think the same way. I hate her, and yes, maybe she was having a bad day that day.

But I also feel like it'll always haunt her and she'll always feel terrible for making mistakes, like it haunts me that I came second in a backstroke race almost a year ago, and that I only got 1 gold medal in 4 years of swimming in Mauritius, that medal being from 2013. My drawer is full of silver and bronze medals. I strive to push myself to come first in swimming races now

LAST STORY

This person is still my friend. She almost always gets the top mark in Maths. Everyone says she's the smartest person in the year, and I don't disagree. She does mental maths so quickly, her way of thinking is really unique and breaks society's 'brainwashing concepts' they've forced into our heads. Really interesting, but she's kind of... she doesn't really take human emotions into consideration. She will mention suicide easily, and doesn't pay much attention and thinks that mental illnesses are pathetic? I can't remember exactly what she said

THEY ARENT PATHETIC, PLEASE, you're a strong person if you are living with a mental illness and I give you a hug *virtual hug*, a pat on the head *pep* and lots of love! Take care! ❤️❤️❤️

Anygays, in a test once, she didn't get full marks, and someone else got higher then her, they got 100%. Everyone was so surprised. And she didn't show much of a reaction, that's just her. But you could still tell that she was kind of sad about not getting higher marks, or the top score

Moral of this chapter, just because someone is good at something, doesn't mean they have it easily. I fucking hate the fact that I speak French fluently. It isn't all good grades and congrats, they're also the stress, pressure, and high standards

Ok, bai now!