31/12/19

Hi

I'm sorry I haven't been updating much

Imma be honest, I just didn't feel like typing on my phone or on the laptop. I lacked motivation. I had so much to talk about, but I just couldnt force myself to do it. I'm really sorry

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I couldn't be bothered to do my mood calendar for the last 2 weeks or so, so I've just given up on it. But I feel like even what I've don't just shows how much of a mess my emotions are

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Since tomorrow is New Years, I felt like writing a letter to 2019. So here it is:

Dear 2019,

You've been pretty mean to me, not gonna lie. But you've also taught me a lot of lessons and have made me experience times of extreme joy. I've met so many great and amazing people online and in real life and I'm grateful for meeting them. But I feel like I've also just cried so many tears for so many different reasons. Oh wow you've messed me up.

So much has happened this year, honestly. A few accomplishments and a lot of life lessons. A lot of lessons about trusting people actually. I've gotten into quite a few arguments with parents and friends and classmates. I mean, somehow, around 15 people in our class turned against me and my friends in May because of a lie someone told. That was absolutely terrifying. I haven't been the nicest person to my parents this year and I do feel pretty sorry for it. I greatly questioned my meaning in life and the reason for my existence for a long time during June and at random times throughout the year, often turning up with a rather 'empty' answer. My mental health has been up and down. I never really have a stable mood. It is not enjoyable at all

Some good things that happened this year was i began dating someone, and i used to believe that I'd be alone till the day i died. I pushed myself to ask him out, and I also pushed myself to speak to people from older years. I figured out which of my friends would actually listen to my problems, and I'm really glad I did. I went 3 months without hurting myself, which is the longest I've gone since I first hurt. Like I said before, I've met so many amazing new people that I care about so deeply and think of as family. I went to my first concert on the 11th of November and I enjoyed it so much! My mum came with me to the concert and still plays the clips from the concert, and I still have the tickets and will treasure them forever. I discovered that I was pansexual after around a year of questioning, and realised how gay I actually am, and I was actually ok with it. And I just survived another year, big achievement.

I am extremely grateful to all my friends everywhere who've helped me, and just spoken to me this year. I love them all very much and applaud them all. I'm a lot to handle, I know that, and I get really impressed when people know how to deal with someone who acts like a hyperactive three year old. I'm grateful to my boyfriend, who takes care of me and protects me as I can't do that myself and knows how to calm me down and make me feel better. I'm also grateful for the few supportive teachers who can stand my weirdness (eg. Always putting thread or cloth on my head in textiles) and don't tell me off for it.

In 2020, i don't really know what I want to do. I can never really decide what I want for the future. Typical me, I guess. I need to learn to accept compliments and not simply turn them away, and I need to learn to love myself more. I live in a body that someone somewhere has given to me to deal with. I don't really like this body at the moment, but I must teach myself too. I'd also like to help people around me more, online and in real life. Contribute more in charity days, make more coping strategies, just find ways to be helpful. Ooo I also really want to meet my internet friends, I like them a lot and want to give them many hug :) I think I also need to work on my maturity and try and be less childish?

2019 has had so many ups and downs. I wouldn't like to relive this year, nope, it was so painful. But I'm still kind of glad I experienced a year like this, because it will help me a lot in the future, hopefully.
-🍒

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Also, a little bit of 'self' (not really) promo. On Instagram, intoomanyfandoms13, KpopCondition, and me have a joint safe place account @thesafeplace143

As you can see, we are currently a really small account. We don't post daily, but we post when we can. We post about the LGBTQ+ community, mental health, coping strategies, etc.

Also, I've done covers and you can find them in the posts. If the caption has 🍒 at the end, it's me who's posted it. I've done 3 covers. So I guess it's kind of a voice reveal for 100 followers I should have done ages ago 😅

Have a great new year, and thank you to everyone who stuck with me through the past 12 months. Thank you so much
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️