16/10/19

Ok, so, imma rant about 2 things, so this is a long chapter

Rant 1: trigger warnings
Trigger warning: mentions of self harm

So, today before school, I admit that I cut myself again. Sorry, I just felt unimportant. So, obviously I just felt so bad for it, i felt so bad for cutting myself again. During PSHE, we watched a documentary called "Growing up gay", since we were studying homosexual relationships today. The guy was reading through his old diaries from when he was in school, and he found this one day, where they were at this party of some sort. He had written that the dancing was fun, but since it was hot, he had taken off his sweater or something, leaving him in a short sleeve black top. He had a plaster on his arm, his friend noticed and asked something along the lines of "You've been cutting yourself, haven't you?" He closed the diary, then said that he wanted to try self harm back then. He had so much pent up emotions, and it felt good to him.

I almost began crying. I felt the tears prick my eyes. I was sitting at the back of the class, head tilted back to stop tears from flowing down my face. I understood what he felt. It feels good. You suddenly feel like you can breathe again. It's painful thinking that way, but it's true, for me at least. My way of forgetting negativity is through hugs. When I don't get hugs, I just turn to my other negativity buster - self harm. Well, negativity buster for a short while only.

So yeah, I got triggered during PSHE. The documentary had no trigger warning. He had just mentioned self harm, and I wanted to cry. The teacher didn't even mention self harm or anything. Does she think that her students don't self harm? Self harm wasn't the only thing mentioned, eating disorders were also mentioned. That could potentially trigger someone too.

Edit 17/10/19 I told my PSHE teacher about the self harm and the eating disorder potentially triggering someone. She said that it had been reviewed by this special teacher that ensures safety for the students. She said that she hopes she didn't trigger us, and she thanked me for just warning her about it.
That went well, I guess

Rant 2: gay freak out during guiding

Alright, so, we had open evening today. We showed children and parents around the school basically.
When I was in year 7, there was this French club I used to help at. Another one of the helpers was this year 10 (year 12 now) girl. She's really nice and kind, and she's so pretty. I may have developed a crush on her.
So, when I was walking around the school, I went in one of the language classrooms. The year 12 girl was there. That was the start of my freak out. I took a deep breath, gathered courage and spoke to her, saying that we hadn't spoken in quite some time. We also spoke about one of the language teachers leaving.
Guess what happens next... another one of my crushes walks into the same class that I'm in.
So, I have a crush on the year 12, but I also have a tiny crush on this year 9 girl. I hate her personality, she's just pretty. So I was in the same room as both of my crushes from school, silently dying.
So that was fun

Ok, baiii. I'm sorry I gave up being clean