When I was little I never wanted to get married or have children.

I don't really know why.

I just didn't.

It started with not wanting children. I've always loved little kids. But I just. . . Never wanted my own for some reason.

I think it partially had to do with all the stress. Like, you have to figure out how to school them and everything. I'd want to homeschool them, but I don't know if I could actually teach them like that.
And you're living with these little humans that you gave birth to and you have to take care of them and everything. It's a lot of work. And for what use?

And then I decided I didn't want to marry. Like, why get married?
As a kid it didn't really seem to make much sense.
I'm wasn't even going to have kids, and I never pictured myself falling in love.

Every time I pictured my future it was just me.

First as a farmer, on my farm, with my animals. Alone.
Or later, living in the house of my dreams, as an author. Alone.

But then I fell in love.

Of course.

I fell in love with a boy who loves kids and has always wanted his own. I fell in love with a boy who wants to fall in love, and marry and live, and laugh.

I began to think that maybe I could see myself marrying.

Maybe, just maybe, I could see myself with kids.

And maybe I could see myself eventually wanting it.

I'm not really sure anymore.

Whenever I imagine what my future husband might be like I get this mental outline of a man.

In a lot of ways he's the man of my dreams, but if I'm honest. . .

He has no personality.

He's not really the man of my dreams. He's not someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

I don't know if anyone will come along who I'll be able to visualize a future with.

I don't know if I'll ever want kids.

But I have to hope that someone will come. And I'll love them, and marry them, and have their kids.

Eventually.