Later on, when the two were done cleaning up for dinner—a "family" tradition that whoever doesn't help cook the food has to be the ones to clean it up—, the two boys went back up to their rooms.  Nikolai was boasting on the way up that for his birthday, his parents were going to get him a new switch controller. 
Will paid little attention to his words, and more on the fact that he was beginning to be more comfortable with speaking about what he wanted to talk about.  Typically, when the two hung out, Will was the one deciding what to do.  Will was the one who was making the conversation and keeping it going. 

Although he never minded doing those things, it was a nice change of pace to have Nikolai warming up.

Nikolai sat down on the bed, moving a pillow to brace his head from the cold wall behind him.  The conversation about the present was over now and had moved onto the topic of what they would do for the rest of the night.  Nikolai hated choosing.

Will was going on suggesting a few things, watching a movie, playing video games, listening to a podcast while working on more homework, going downstairs to sneak a dessert, going outside–even though it was past 8:30 and practically pitch black outside–to throw the volleyball around.  He even suggested lazing around on their phones, but Nikolai didn't seem to have that much interest in any of that.

Will thought that there was something he must want to do, and he just didn't want to say it just yet, but he knew that it would be near impossible to pry anything from Nikolai.  Nikolai just sat in silence, ignoring almost every word that came from Will's tongue. 
Clearly something had to be bothering him, but he was fine just a few minutes ago.

Will wouldn't ever admit it outloud, but these mood swings he'd been dealing with were getting harder and harder to manage.

Nikolai eventually faced away from Will, pulling the comforter up to his chin, closing his eyes.

"Nikolai, c'mon I'm boooored," Will said, completely exasperated with how he was acting now. 

"I don't feel good right now," Nikolai muttered, shoving the side of his face into the pillow.  Will's smile went wonky, and he looked at his friend from a different point of view.  Now that he mentioned it, he didn't look 'lame' for not wanting to do anything, he just looked drained. Tired.

Will moved so that he was sitting with his leg pressed against Nikolai's back, trying to comfort him through his presence.  His mouth had run dry of any comforting words he could think of.  He would break his back to have even the slightest thing that would help Nikolai's mood.

The only thing that Will could think of was: "what do you want me to do?"

Nikolai was quiet, left to ponder the question in silence. He shook his foot, hesitant about saying what he wanted. He inhaled deeply, before turning onto his back to face Will.

"Can you hug me... please?" Nikolai asked, before turning back away, embarrassed with himself. He regretted saying that. He regretted every moment in his life that led Will to figuring him out. That led him to be so vulnerable that he was asking for hugs.

Will's muscles tightened as his whole body tensed. He had let his feelings subside for a little while, not letting them get the better of him. But now of all times, oh lord, Will's chest tightened, when he lowered his body so that his back was mere inches away from Nikolai, and he loosely put his arms around his body.

This wasn't exactly the hug that Nikolai had asked for. He wanted Will's body to be flush against his, and his arms to be tightly secured around his body. He wanted Will to at least act like this is what he wanted to do. He knew that Will would rather do anything than sit here—he made that clear when he made the list—but he didn't have a choice. Unless he wanted
Nikolai to stay alone, then I guess Nikolai would leave him free to go off on his own.

But he really wanted Will to stay. And he really needed more than a half assed hug.

"Will?" Nikolai murmured, when he grabbed Will's hand to move it over his body. He tugged on his arm, and yanked him closer. "Stop being a pussy, hugging me isn't gonna make people think you're gay. And who's gonna know,"

Will went quiet for a while, worrying himself with the thought. For the love of fuck I'm screwed.
He gave Nikolai what he wanted—and what he wanted too, although he wouldn't ever admit it—and nuzzled his head into the back of Nikolai's neck.

Nikolai felt a tingly feeling course through his body. His ears heated up, and his heartbeat all too fast. This wasn't what hugs had felt like before...? So why now?
Maybe it was because Will was being awkward and his feelings were spreading to Nikolai. But all Nikolai knew was that this hug felt different.

They stayed like that for hours, going between on and off sleep.

Earlier in the morning, "Will?" Nikolai murmured, tapping on the sleeping boy's arm.

He was barely awake, but he still listened as best he could. From what he heard, Nikolai was talking fast, and stuttering a lot in his sentences. Will, as best he tried, couldn't put what he was saying together.

He said an optimistic 'yeah' hoping that would make up for what he didn't hear. He hoped it was something he should be agreeing with.

Well, whatever it was, he wasn't supposed to be agreeing.

Nikolai was in tears, shaking Will's arm, and the second that Will saw his tears, he was shocked awake.  As if a large bucket of ice water had been poured on him, the instant shock of it startling his body awake.
All of his senses heightened, and he grabbed hold of Nikolai.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry.  I didn't mean to.  I really didn't mean too.  I just had the urge. I couldn't stop it.  I had too.  I'm so, so sorry," Nikolai's voice was muffled in Will's shoulder as he held him close.  He knew exactly what Nikolai meant.  All Nikolai needed was support.  He didn't need anything else at that moment.

"I'm sorry."

"Nikolai, Nikolai listen to me. Please. Don't apologize." Will held him closer, speaking into his shoulder. 

"It hurts, it hurts really bad, and it won't stop bleeding. I didn't mean for this,"

Will didn't know what to do, so he squeezed him tight, one last time, and got up off the bed. 

"I need to make sure you don't need stitches," Will whispered, leading Nikolai towards the bathroom in the hallway. 

The bathroom light was on, and there was an abundance of dirty tissues splayed on the bathroom floor.  There was a pencil sharpener on the bathroom floor, and aside from that, the bathroom wasn't desterbed at all.

Will sat on the bathroom floor, closing his eyes against the pain.  Every time his clothes brushed against the cuts, the pain felt unbearable.

"I'm so sorry."

Will sat next to him, having Nikolai lift his shorts up a bit, to reveal the cuts.  He knew it was bad when the blood was dripping down his leg.  Normally, the blood never left the cuts, just collecting in fat drops and staying in place.  This was different.

Will didn't say anything, looking closely at the cut.  He had taken a first aid class a while back, and it was coming in handy right now.

Will grabbed another piece of the toilet paper, and pressed down on the cut.  The blood immediately went through, and he grabbed another piece, layering. 
It went through the layers.

No matter how many he added.

Nikolai groaned in pain once or twice, but the crys overtook any noises of pain he was making.

"Hey, hey, it's okay.  It isn't bleeding so much now."

Nikolai nodded his head, opening and then wiping his eyes. He stared down at the cuts.  Secretly satisfied with how they looked. He hated it. He hated the feeling of satisfaction.  He hated liking how they looked.  He hated it.  He hated himself.

"Fuck," Nikolai said, squeezing his eyes shut as a form of removal from the situation.  There was no other way to remove himself from it than that.  He couldn't get up and leave, he knew that Wilhelm wouldn't let him.

"Nikolai... what happened?"

"Nothing."

"Seriously."

"I am being serious.  Nothing ever happens.  I just get an urge. I have too."

Will was quiet.  He didn't understand what Nikolai meant, but he did understand that he needed support. 
Wilhelm felt Nikolai trembling under his grip.  He felt terrible.  He wished he knew how to fight whatever was making him feel like this. He doesn't know how. 
He didn't know what he was fighting.  And he believed Nikolai that he didn't know what he was fighting either.

When it stopped, and the two of them had cleaned up, and went back to Nikolai's room, Nikolai whined, falling on the bed.  His body heaved with more sobs.  His mind was so scrambled.  Everything had gotten so complicated the day that Will found out.

At this point, being dead would be better.

At that, Nikolai thought: oh.

That was what Will meant; Considering turns into doing.  He yelled into the bed, thanking it for muffling most of the sound. Will sat with him, rubbing the back of his head. The touch was strange, but comforting.

"I am so sorry."

"Don't be."

"But, Will,"

Will made eye contact with Nikolai, from where he was laying.  His eyes went soft, and he didn't hesitate before saying:  "No 'buts'. I will be here for you, always."

And he was.

They sat in silence for a little while, and slowly Nikolai's breathing became more steady, and less concerning.

"Now that everything calmed down, what's going on?" Wilhelm asked. He rubbed up and down Nikolai's back, holding tightly onto his hand. He rubbed it back and forth, wanting to calm him down. Nikolai was typically unresponsive to these small touches, but he was hyper aware of this one. His eyes were trained on the fact that he had his hand.

"Nikolai?"

"Oh,"

Nikolai looked up at him. Will's eyes were soft, and sweet. Nikolai felt sad looking at him. He didn't mean to make Will sad. He hated that he made Will sad.
"I'm sorry," Nikolai said, plainly, before turning away from Will. He didn't want Will to worry anymore. He hated that he put him through this.

Will's face twisted with concern and worry.

"Nikolai, hey, you have nothing to apologize for," Will said, although wanting to have Nikolai turn towards him, he gave him the space.

But, to Will's surprise, Nikolai faced him on his own. Nikolai's eyes were worn with tears, and he looked so sick and tired.

"I really don't know, I guess I'm tired and sick of always feeling like this. And sick of the fact that everyone else has stopped caring. People have given up on me, and I've given up on me too,"

Will sat there and thought about what Nikolai said. He really thought about it for a moment. He wanted to reassure Nikolai, and tell him 'I haven't', but how much would that even mean?

"I'm so sorry people have made you feel that way, and I can't change what happened in the past, but I haven't, and I think you shouldn't give up either." Will said. He continued after a few seconds. "And, fuck those people who did. Those people are always going to be there, and it's gonna hurt, but those are the people you need to learn to love with, and learn to get away from. You're worth more than all of them combined. I hope you know that I mean that."

Nikolai's eyes welled up again, and he stopped looking at Will. Will kept eye contact the entire time, and as overwhelming as it had been, Nikolai couldn't break it. Until he finished, that is.

Nikolai, for the first time, completely opened up. Whether it was the momentum of the situation, or the fact that he was sick of keeping it to himself, he talked. And Will listened and talked back.

i hope you're all well, my lovelies

-aa