December 1 2020 8:12pm

I don't want to die.

But life is exhausting, capitalism weighing heavy on my shoulders sheltered from the sun.The light of screens every single day, inescapable, but a needed lifeline. Torturous and a reprieve.

I need new glasses.

I don't dream big, no dreams of fame or riches. Sure, I ponder what it would be like, but I like my privacy as it is, even if it means being drenched in the loneliness of a cluttered room.I have potential. I am aware. I can do so many things. I can write, I can paint, draw, sing, play. I can do math, analyze historical documents. I can pass tests. Tests. Tests. Tests. A's in each report card losing meaning, merely a reminder that I am average, that it's expected, and if I slack off, it'll easily be gone.

I don't dream big but I need a job. In this capitalist hellscape where everything will be exploited to its fullest, I cannot let myself sink. If I sink, I'll keep sinking, stuck in the mud and grime of pollution, under the sparkling clean shoes of corporate men in suits.All I want is a house. Maybe one or two rooms, just enough room for instruments, art supplies, a desk. Maybe small plants, 3 cats. And maybe another human to share it all with.I don't dream big and I'm tired.

Can I just be the a bodyless entity in the ones and zeroes of the internet? I'll be the spirit of longing and yearning, the emotion in between letters unsent to loved ones, behind punctuation of run-on sentences in fanfiction. I'll be the spirit carrying wishful thinking, the small fantasies of a smile, a kiss, a hug, a shared apartment.

I'll be floating around, leaving long comments with love and encouragement for writers in the beginning, taking works word by word and metaphor by metaphor apart with the meticulousness English teachers ask of me.

But what of my small dreams?

Who knows. I've typed them up at least five times. They can live in the ones and zeroes with me, waiting and unrealized. I'll just stay here, carrying regrets and well-intent, potential drifting, nothing to bring it to movement. The weight of life and money and healthcare and injustice and loneliness, maybe I won't feel it then.

I don't dream big and I'm tired.

8:29pm