A river which flows unlike any other-
Calm for a minute, rushing and racing for several hours

I take what respite I can in these calm moments, alone by the river, accept what is
It cannot be changed by will of man, the river bends to no one.
Is owned by no one.

Is protected by no one.
But, I treasure it's calm amidst the storm of the mind-
A vast and calm expanse, bending and weaving rhythmically as it's song pulls my heart and lulls my head to slumber by the shore.
This beast is tamed by little- the bear in my chest knows no bounds.
It is not gentle- nor docile, it never lays at my feet in slumber.

The bears claws are persistent and brutal-
They leave me in a daze, this beast is unyielding in its assault-
My moments of sanity are brief, by the river, yet unyielding are the growls when the bear is not attacking.

I stop, my brain fades to fog as the river slowly evaporates. In the mist I'm sure I see frozen, crystallized pieces of myself-
They aren't quite right, not me...

I see it now, more clearly, I've lost myself-
Or, what I thought was myself-
What am I if not built on the back of my conditions
My complexion a facade, is this my real personality? The one I show to others is it me?

Or am I pretending? I don't know anymore and I hear a symphony of screams to 'DO BETTER, BE BETTER!'

GODDAMMIT I HAVE TRIED-
I am TIRED and WORN
What am I anymore?
The bear still roars, it's words still cut at my heart and my head and I toe the line with my unreasonable thinking.

Goddamnit... If there's a God, what is he doing? I don't know... I never signed up for His battles-
The ones He gave me, or so people say...

I'm not a puppet to a God. I am so much more than a marionette on golden strings-
More than a parakeet in a gilded cage

I belong to nature, it's voice echoes in my body.

I belong to what brought me into this world-

And I lay at night, at peace with this final thought- against the bear which has tuckered down for the night.

I lay with the bear that houses my insecurities, hear the pounding of its heart, and I sleep

Knowing the rushing river will lull me to sleep-

Like it always does.