It feels like I'm not worth it.
I mean, It feels like everyone is just using my love, affection and brightness to make themselves happy and satisfied.
For example, earlier today I was at a Halloween themed birthday party and of course everyone wore costumes and there were Halloween decorations everywhere.
Now, this is where everything starts to go down-hill.
So, since it's a Halloween themed party there has to be Halloween themed decorations. Since spiders are such scary creatures people like to use them.
I, however, am terrified of spiders, I absolutely hate them, even the tiny plastic ones and the fake relatively huge ones with loads of fur on them.
Because of these decorations I was constantly looking around me and making sure there were no fake spiders close by and my friends started to kinda tease me about it and threw these tiny ones at me and I got frightened and screeched but just decided to let it go.
Now the worst part has come. You know those bigger furry ones I were talking about? Yeah those ones. One of them threw one of those at me and I completely freaked out. Now since I'm a pretty tall person for my age - standing at about 178 cm (5 ft and 10 inches) - you could easily notice how freaked out I was since I crushed down a little, burying my face in my hands and I could feel myself start to shake, I could feel the tears sting in my eyes but I didn't let myself cry, I never do.
I tried calming down and luckily did so after a few seconds, they stoped throwing spiders at me for a while until we started to eat pizza. One of them threw that huge furry spider at me and I screeched again, shrinking visibly in my chair and yet again burying my face in my hands, my hair completely covered my face as I looked down and my breathing turned ragged and uneven as I almost started to cry.
I could hear them talking in the background and lightly flinched as the person to my right gently touched my shoulder. This time, it took me much longer to calm down and I could yet again feel myself shaking. I used a long time calming down as I realised I was having a slight panic and anxiety attack. I wanted to cry so badly but one of the only people I ever really let myself cry infront of is my bestfriend and she wasn't there...

I felt so bad and didn't know what to do, the rest of the night I was relatively quiet, shy and clingy and I hated it.