Originally posted April 6, 2013

Zara

I walked back downstairs to the living room and went straight to the bar. I remember the phone rang. I ignored it. I finished the bottle of wine, as it continued to ring and grabbed two more from under the bar. I headed back upstairs to my bedroom.

In my hallway, I have this long ornate mirror. It was a part of a set. I picked it up at a flea market somewhere. There was the long one in the hall, a smaller one on the wall over my bureau and the one on the vanity.

By this time, I honestly was feeling no pain. Matter of fact, I wasn't feeling anything. My whole body was numb. A feeling I had become all to familiar with in my life.

I remember touching my skin, on my face, my breasts, my stomach, my legs. There was nothing. No feeling at all. Just cold. Like someone had covered me with ice. But I wasn't cold. I wasn't anything.

I looked in the mirror and I swear, to this day, I saw nothing. It was like I did not exist, like I was living in a dream. I looked down. I could see my tits and my body, but when I looked up, I saw nothing. The mirror was black.

I started talking out loud again.

"Where are you?

Where the fuck are you?

Have you abandoned me too?

Why? You are the only friend I have left and now you have left me too.

Why?

I need you.

I love you. You are the only person who still loves me.

Where are you?

Please stop hiding. Please.

Where are you?"

By the time I was finished, I was yelling.

I was alone. All alone.

There was no one who cared about me anymore. No one who gave a shit about me.

I remember looking back downward, looking for my body.

Now all there was, was darkness.

I don't know if I blacked out, fainted or what.

I vaguely remember slumping to the floor and opening a bottle of wine. I don't even know how I did that. It was a corked bottle. I don't remember bringing an opener with me.

I remember sitting in the darkened hallway, drinking, staring at the mirror, calling out for her. I didn't even know who she was. She looked like me, but I didn't believe she was.

At this point I wasn't even sure who I was, where I was or even, if I was.

I got up eventually and walked back to my bedroom. I remember hearing the phone ring again. I yelled at it to stop the noise. It was like church bells pounding in my head.

When it stopped, I picked up the phone and threw it against the wall. I remember yelling,

"Leave me the fuck alone."

I turned around and I remember staring into the ornate mirror on my wall. There was nothing.

Where was I?

Was I dead?

Was this some sick fucking joke?

I yelled out,"What is happening?"

Over and over again, screaming as loudly as I could.

I threw the half full wine bottle at the mirror. It didn't shatter, but cracked into a thousand little mirrors and suddenly I could see myself, a thousand times. Tiny images of me, all staring back at me. Mocking me, laughing at me.

I ran to the mirror, pulled it off the wall and began smashing it all over the room. I remember the pieces flying in the air, like slow motion, each one a tiny reflection of me and then they would disappear.

I smashed the frame into a hundred pieces.

I remember opening my closet and throwing clothes all over the room. I tore the sheets off my bed. Cleaned off the night tables and my vanity.

I could feel pain in my feet and my hands, but I ignored it.

Anything that wasn't bolted down was literally destroyed.

The next clear thought I had was standing in the middle of my bedroom.

There was broken glass all over the floor. I could see an image of my red hair in every piece. I looked around. There were pieces of the mirror everywhere. My vanity was smashed to pieces, even the chair was destroyed.

I still had a bottle of wine in my hand. Fuck knows how that was still in one piece.I looked at the bottle and dropped it to the floor.

I started crying, uncontrollably. My whole body was shaking.

I don't know how long I stood there, in the middle of the shithole that used to be my bedroom, but eventually I stopped crying.

Suddenly, I was tired. More tired than I had ever been in my life. I couldn't do this anymore.

I had no reason to live.

I could hear my heart pounding, louder and louder and louder. My chest felt like something was crushing me.

I couldn't breathe. I was feeling faint. The room was beginning to grow dark.

I walked to the bed.

Each step was like walking on hot coals. My feet were burning. I looked down and all I could see was red.

I didn't give it a second thought. I thought it was a reflection of my hair.

I kept a target pistol, in a box, in my nightstand. It was just a 22 caliber handgun, but I remember thinking. If I could just place one shot, in the right place, all this would be over.

I don't know how I got the box open. It was a combination lock. Somehow I did. I remember looking at it. It was so ugly, so cold, and so final.

I started crying again. I wiped my cheek. My hand was covered with eyeliner. I remember the blue, black colour, mixed with the blood on my hand.

The red was so bright, so blinding.

I had no idea where the blood was coming from and at that point, I did not even care.

I took the gun in my hand. It felt so heavy, so cold.

I don't know how long I sat on the bed. I seemed to keep passing in and out of reality.

I kept hearing a woman's voice, talking to me. It was probably just me talking or maybe it was all in my head, but it was so real. The voice seemed to be coming from the hallway.

I remember when I stood up; I looked at the glass all over the floor. I could see nothing in the pieces anymore. The images were gone, as I felt my life was gone.

I heard the voice again calling out my name.

I walked into the hallway and stood in front of the mirror.

The mirror was dark. I felt lonelier than I had ever felt in my entire life. Everything I had ever loved was gone. My Nanny Olive, my Mom, my Dad and now I had lost Zoey forever. Everyone else hated me.

I tried to lift my hand, but I couldn't. The gun in my hand felt like it weighed tons. I started to feel weak. Weaker than I had ever felt before.

This is it.

I'm dying.

All alone here.

I felt the gun fall from my hand. I heard it hit the hardwood floor. But I couldn't move. I felt every ounce of life draining from me. I knew I was dying. I was dying and I was all alone.

I looked at the darkness in the mirror.

I could hear a voice, again, calling my name.

"Zara. Zara"

The darkness was lifting from the mirror. Slowly I could see an image form. The same image I saw earlier. The beautiful woman that I must have been once, had come back again.

I remember smiling.

She had come back for me.

Everything was going to be ok.

I put my hand to the mirror. I could feel her hand on mine.

"Its time Zara", she told me.

I heard a man's voice call my name.

I knew everything was ok now. I was ready.

The last thing I remember was darkness.