Zara's words

(May 29, 2015)

I so remember this first conversation with Bill. At the time, the poem Ivory Skin was one of the most read poems on Wattpad. I did appreciate the poem but my reaction when Bill added the other poems was one of pure fury. I fucking wanted to kill him.

Looking back now, over two years later, I realize that because of this story, I was able to purge a lot of old demons and offer up that part of my life to the wonderful people who helped me through it.

When Bill got hold of me again, a couple months ago, and told me he wanted to present the story once again, I immediately told him I wanted to be a part of it.

I feel that perhaps my story can once again help some people out there.

There is always hope. there is always someone who will be there for you.

I already have tears in my eyes.

Damn you, Bill.

Big sigh.

To all of you who read this story before, please enjoy it again. To those reading it for the first time, I hope you enjoy.

My name is Zara

and

this is my story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

(originally posted March 1, 2013)

I was trying to figure out how to present the first of the conversations with Zara. I finally decided that the best way to do so was to let her own words tell the story.

This is basically a transcript of the first conversation I had with Zara after she had agreed to present her story. I am presenting it word for word as she presented it to me. I will fill in some blanks with some minor descriptions.

The conversation, or interview, was conducted via Skype. My part of the interview will be in bold type.

Bill Temple March 1, 2013

Hey, Red.

Hi, sweetie. Nice to see you again.

So, are you ready for this?

I guess so. I still don't believe there will be much interest in my story.

Well you saw how many people read the poems. There was a lot of interest there.

(smiles)

I guess so.

(pauses)

But this is different. I'm still not sure about this, Bill. I don't want to come across as pathetic. And look at my life now.

(pauses and looks behind her)

I know.

(looks back)

Would you mind if Jay was here? I would feel better.

Of course not.

(Her husband Jay comes into the scene. He sits in an arm chair behind her. She reaches out and holds his hand briefly. Looking back toward the screen she has a sad smile. Jay and I exchange hellos.)

(Zara takes a deep breath)

Ok. I'm ready. Let's do this.

Ok. First I really do want to thank you for doing this. I know this is hard for you.

(Zara nods)

Let's just see how this part goes. Ok, hun.

Ok. Tell me what you felt when you first read Ivory Skin. The first poem.

Oh wow. I cried. Matter of fact I cried a lot. It was like going back to that night all over again. You captured exactly what I remember. I know we had talks about this years ago and I guess you knew as well as anyone exactly what went on. But talking is one thing and to see it there on the computer screen. It became real.

How do you mean?

I had it locked away.

(Zara reaches for a Kleenex)

I figured I better have a box close by.

(she laughed slightly as she wiped her eyes)

Like I was saying. I had this whole thing locked away. I guess I was trying to pretend it never happened or that it was a bad dream. So much had already happened in my life up to that point and in all honesty, I thought it was finally turning around and then..

(dries her eyes again) Her voice cracks a little)

Well, you know what I mean. To go through that shit again. I'm sorry, can I say that.

You say whatever you want. This is your story. I want it in your words.

I though it was all behind me at that point. Jeff...

(Zara turned to look at Jay)

Sweetie, are you gonna be ok with me mentioning him?

(Jay walks over and kisses her. "It's ok.")

(Zara turns back)

I'm sorry, Bill.

(I just nodded)

Like I was saying, I thought Jeff was different. He seemed to be the one. You know what I am saying? And then all that shit.

Let's go back to the poem Zara. We can go back to this at a later date.

Ok. Sure. Like I said earlier, when I started to read the poem, I began to cry. I couldn't get through it. Jay printed off the poem for me. I tried several times to read it, but it was always the same. I broke down into tears, and Jay wasn't much better.

What do you mean?

(Zara turned to look at him)

Jay, can you get a chair and move up next to Zara? I want to see her face as she answers the questions.

(Jay agrees and gets a chair. Now I am able to see both of them. Zara never lets go of his hand)

Ok, Zara. Why wasn't Jay any help?

I asked him to read the poem to me. He only got about half way through and he broke down into tears. It was hard for him too. You know he was there that night.

I remember. But you finally read the poem.

I did Bill and it was amazing. I can't believe how you captured every emotion. I know I talked to you about it, but you remembered every detail, every word. (she laughs) But that doesn't surprise me. You remember every conversation so well. That still amazes me about you.

(she shakes her head)

It was like you were there. Like you were a part of it. But then we have always had that connection, haven't we?

We have hun. What about the other poems? How did you feel when you read them?

Oh my God. (a long pause) She looks at Jay for a long time. He simply tells her to tell the truth)

I was so fucking mad at you Bill. You took something that was so personal and you put it out there for the whole world to see. And I know these people will never know me or will never meet me, but I felt like you betrayed me.

In what way?

You were always the one person I could turn to. And, I felt like you took something that I told you in confidence and you took my story and used it to your advantage just for your own glory. I felt like the one friend I had always had stabbed me in the fucking back.

And now?

Bill, you are my best friend in this whole world. Sorry Jay.

(Jay just smiled and kissed her cheek)

I was so angry. You didn't even let me see the poems first, like you did with Ivory Skin. You just put it out there, the whole ugly fucking mess. I felt naked, betrayed, and so angry.

(Zara stops here and Jay hugs her. The tears were flowing from her eyes and in all honesty, I felt terrible)

Zara? Do you want to end this?

(Zara shakes her head)

No. I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I am not mad at you anymore. When I started reading the comments about the poems, I began to see that others were relating to the story being told. I suddenly realized that I was not alone; there were others that lived the same shit. I was proud of you. Mad at you, yes, but proud because you put my story out there and people related. I felt like, maybe, just maybe, someone might learn from my mistakes and not spiral into the same shithole that I went into.

Jay was the one that made me realize that maybe this would actually help me.

How?

To bring those locked away memories out again and force me to deal with them.

And have you?

(Zara smiled through her tears)

I have. I can now talk about that weekend and not only that weekend but all the other crap that I have locked away. You know better than anyone what my life has been. Bill, I'm finally the woman I have always wanted to be. Thanks to you and my sweetheart Jay, I have a normal life.

Ok. I want to come back to the poems at a later date, but now I want to go back to the beginning. Your story is so amazing, so inspirational, it deserves to be shared.

Thank you.

So let's begin in the beginning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zara's words ...

I remember that by the time this first interview ended, I felt a little more comfortable, but I was still not convinced that anyone would have even the slightest interest in what I had to say. I remember talking to my husband Jay after Bill left and telling him that I thought this whole thing was fucking stupid and I was just dragging up old memories.

He simply said, "Just give Bill a chance."

So I did.