(Originally posted March 24, 2013) 

 You got a phone call from your Dad's new wife? 

 I did. I didn't know what to say at first. But she was so sweet. 

She said she wouldn't keep me but that my Dad had lung cancer and he didn't have that much time left. 

 How did that make you feel? 

 I was numb.

 I know I had spent years mad at him, but it hit me that the last person who was a connection to my past was about to die. 

At first I wanted to hang up on Doris, that was Dad's new wife, but everything I had felt toward Dad just left. He no longer was this man who threw me out of my life. He was my Daddy and now he was dying. 

 I talked to Doris for several hours. Dad was in the hospital overnight. They were giving him chemo and he reacted badly to it. She filled me in on everything that had happened over the past, basically, 12 years. 

She told me that she really loved my Dad and that he really wanted to get back in touch with me, but he didn't know how. He had spoken several times to my Aunt and Uncle but they didn't offer any real help. They honestly didn't know what to tell him.Apparently he had once or twice phoned my home but Brian answered the phone and basically reamed him a new asshole and told him to never call back again. 

Brian never told me about the calls. That prick. 

 Doris had helped Dad beat drinking and he had been sober for almost 8 years. 

But he was a heavy smoker. He smoked over a pack and a half a day. Seems he replaced booze with smokes.That was his downfall. 

 So, what did you do? 

 I agreed to fly back and see Dad. 

Doris told me that the doctor's gave him less than six months. I felt I had to go. I had to close that chapter on my life. I had to get rid of the hatred I had for him. 

Doris was so happy and she told me that Dad would be so happy to see me.He really wanted to make peace with me before he died. 

I felt so bad then and I was so fucking mad at Brian for not letting me know that Dad had called.I wanted to kill him, again. 

 Did your father know about Zoey? 

 I don't think so. He was not very close to Aunt She and Uncle Peter and they were his only connection to me. Our family was a little fucked up. They never kept in contact with each other. 

Much like your Dad and his siblings. You know what I mean. 

 (I nodded) 

 The only thing they had told him was that I had the baby and gave it up for adoption.They really didn't want to say anything else. 

 Can I ask you about Zoey? 

 What do you mean? 

 What was your relationship like with her at this point? 

 I was her fun Aunt Zara. 

 (Zara smiles)

I would see her about once a month. 

I was extremely busy with my job at that point and I had an eye to the future. I was helping out my Auntie She and we had agreed that at some point, if I wanted, I could take over her clientele and have my own business. 

 As for Zoe, like I said, I would see her once a month or so. We would spend the whole day together. Meet for breakfast, go shopping, take in a movie, go swimming. She would tell me all about school and about the boys she had a crush on. I always made it a Friday or Saturday night so I could stay over and the three of us, Auntie She, Zoey and myself would have a girls night together. I would stay for breakfast the next morning and then be on my way.It was a good relationship. I was happy with it. 

 Did she know she was adopted? 

 I don't think so. Uncle Peter told me he was going to tell her on her 16th birthday. 

I couldn't see that happening. Zoe was so nosey. She was a real chatterbox and she asked questions about everything. 

 Some times it took all I had in me to not tell her the truth. But I didn't. I couldn't do that to Auntie She and Uncle Peter, after everything they had done for me.Fuck, it was so hard. Here I was, with my little girl, my flesh and blood and I couldn't tell her I was her mommy.I would go home after those days, open a bottle of red wine and cry for hours. 

 But I had to stay strong. I couldn't ruin things. She was too young to have that shit thrown at her.It was just so great spending time with her. You have no idea how it felt. 

 Ok, so you decided to go back to see your father? 

 Yea. I took a couple weeks off work and decided to go. I booked the flight for the early part of November '96. 

 Tell us about the trip. 

 I met Doris at the airport in Gander. 

She, I mean we, decided that I would surprise him. I stayed at a hotel in Gander the first night, which was a Sunday. Doris and I talked all night.Dad was in hospital again and she told him she was going home, but instead she stayed with me. Dad would be pretty much out of it all night, so he would not miss her.The plan was the next morning, she would pick him up from the hospital, take him home and I would show up later on in the day to surprise him. 

Doris was really a sweet woman. Apparently her and Dad had known each other years before. They met by accident about 4 or 5 months after Mom died and they hit it off. 

They had an on again, off again, relationship for several years, because of Dad's drinking. He would get drunk and they would start yelling and screaming and she would leave. Then he would sober up; beg her to see him again. Everything would be ok and then he would drink again and the whole bullshit would start all over again. 

Finally after 2 years or so of this, Doris laid down the law. Her or the booze.He chose her. 

He went to AA. She would go with him. He never drank again, though she told me he would drink like 3 litres of Coke a day. That has to be great on the stomach.

 (Zara laughs. But it was strained) 

 He went back driving truck and she moved in with him and in 1990 they got married. He wanted to have me at the wedding but as far as he knew I was still angry with him. He never told anyone about the wedding, I don't think.So we went ahead with the plan. 

 (Zara takes a long pause, as if pondering what to say next) 

(She begins to cry softly) 

 It was wonderful.I knocked on the door. Doris answered and brought me into the living room, where Dad was sitting in Nanny Olive's rocker. 

 He started crying as soon as he saw me. He got up from the chair and walked to me. 

He was so sickly looking and was but a sliver of the man I used to know. 

But it was so good to see him.In a few seconds we were all crying. 

 We talked for hours. I told him and Doris all about the years that had passed by and the things I had done. Well some of the things.He actually sat and listened.We laughed.We cried.We connected.

 I never thought I could connect with Doris, but she was special. She was so gentle, so caring and it was evident that she loved my Dad and that he loved her.I guess I was like many other kids in that you could never accept your Mom or Dad with another man or woman, but Mom was gone. She had been for many years and I suddenly felt selfish and horrible for thinking that my Dad would never find someone else.He did deserve to be happy.And especially now, I was so happy that he had someone with him. 

 Did you talk about the night you told him you were pregnant? 

 He started to bring it up, but I stopped him. 

I told him I forgave him and that I loved him.And then I showed him picture of me and Zoe. 

 When he saw her he began to cry. He was so proud to have a grand-daughter, even if she was not a part of his life. I think the thought alone was enough. 

 The next few days were amazing. There was a steady stream of friends and family who came to the house, not just to see me but to connect back together. It was amazing. I don't ever remember seeing my Dad so happy and in all honesty, Bill, I was too.I missed my home. I had been all over the fucking world, seen amazing things, but nothing compared to looking out over the ocean, on a star filled winter's night. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.I was home and I knew it. 

 But I also knew that it was just for a brief moment. I knew I had to go back, because as much as I missed my home, I also missed my new home and my new life. 

 It was about 5 or 6 days after I arrived. I believe it was a Saturday night. 

Yea, it had to be. 

 I was having a glass of wine and talking to Dad when he asked me if I had been in contact with you lately.He told me you had called him several times and even visited him in the hospital.

 I was trying to keep tabs on you. 

 I told him what happened. 

 He told me that you were my friend and that you loved me and would understand. 

He told me to phone you. 

 And I did. 

And I'm glad I did. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 Zara's words ...June 2, 2015 

 Looking back on things now, I am so glad that I went back to Newfoundland to see my Dad, before he died. As much as we sometimes feel that our parents are the enemy and that they don't always have our best interests at heart...There is one thing that I believe always rings true.They love us and they would do anything in their power for us.Making my peace with Dad was such a wonderful feeling and even though he is gone now, I feel that he is still with me.I love you, Daddy.