(Originally posted March 22, 2013) 

 So it is now 1990 and you are back in Toronto. 

Yea, I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a few weeks. They wanted me to stay longer, but in all honesty it was too hard. Being a part of Zoey's every day, was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I thought I would be past the bond with Zoey, but fuck, it was still there. I guess in some ways I wasn't as mature as I thought. I figured that after 5 years I wouldn't feel that bond as dramatically. I was sadly mistaken.

God, I was so wrong. 

Zoey was nearing 6 years old and unlike me, at that age, she was a real talker. She asked questions about everything and she was relentless.

(Zara laughs)

But it was a joy to be around her. To see how much she had grown. To see that little part of me, blossom into a beautiful young girl.

She was so close to Aunt Sheila and I could see the love in both of them toward the other. And Uncle Peter simply adored her.

How did that make you feel?

Sad in some ways. 

I mean she was still my little girl. Or at least I was her birth mom, but it made me feel so good to know that she was being looked after so well and raised properly. She was so well mannered and talked so well and was doing so well in school.

By this time, Uncle Peter had been promoted to vice-president of his company, so he was off the road, and Aunt Sheila was working from home. They had built an extension on their house, so Zoey could have the dream room of any little girl and Aunt Sheila had an office built so she could work from home and be there for Zoey.

I knew I did the right thing.

Can I tell you about her room?

Go for it.

It was huge. It was like a master bedroom. She had her own bathroom, with a shower stall and a tub. She had a 4 poster bed with a canopy and there were Barbie dolls and accessories everywhere. She had one corner of this huge room devoted to a Barbie mini city. I mean, you had to see this. She had every Barbie toy you could imagine. Even her sheets and comforter was Barbie. She had a walk-in closet and even a study centre. Her room was as large as the apartment I eventually got.

But I was so happy for her.

So you moved out?

I had to. Uncle Peter got me a job at his company's head office. I was sort of his secretary and file clerk. I would answer phones, do some filing. Mostly I would get his coffee and make sure his appointments were in order. It was an ok job. Not very exciting but it paid the bills.I got a small bachelorette apartment, not far from where I worked, so I was able to walk to work if I wanted too and it was close enough to Zoey that I could just take a bus.My camper was gone by this point. I basically drove it into the ground. They should have put that thing in the hall of fame. It had like 250,000 miles on it. 

(Zara laughs)

Broke my heart when I had to finally get rid of it, but the body was basically held together with duct tape and hope.

So how did you meet Brian?

As I said, by this time Uncle Peter was promoted to VP and of course someone had to take his place. That someone was Brian. 

Part of Uncle Peter's duties was he looked after the regional reps. So in October 1990, I was taking the minutes of a District Rep meeting and that's how I met Brian.

He was so handsome. I had a hard time concentrating on my job and I think Uncle Peter saw that because when they broke for coffee, he immediately introduced me to Brian or Brian to me. I don't really remember.

He was ten years older than me, but I felt like I was mature enough to handle it.It was so fucking strange. As soon as we were introduced, I could see us together. I was like a schoolgirl having her first crush.

Like I said, he was handsome, tall, built like a brick shit-house, charming, and when he shook my hand, I blushed so bad. God, nothing worst than a pale skinned redhead blushing. I'm sure no one noticed.

(Zara laughs and actually blushes a little)

(She takes a deep breath and sits back)

I would have married him then and there if he had asked me.

But he never asked me out. I blame Uncle Peter at the beginning. I'm sure he would have asked me, but his boss was my Uncle. No red flags there.

So, when did you see him again?

About a month later, November 1990. Myself and a couple of others from head office decided to go out for a few drinks after work, one Friday. There was actually a pub in the apartment building where I lived, which was great because I could go there anytime I wanted for a drink and I was close enough to home that when I got shit-faced, I didn't have far to fall.Actually it was a great little pub.

Anyway, this Friday night it was just rocking, even for 6:00. The place was packed. Tommy, the bartender, who I had a few dates with, managed to squeeze in another table near the bar for us. After a couple beers, it was pee break time. While I was standing in line, waiting to get in, legs crossed, I got into a conversation with the girl in front of me. Her name was Nicki Williams. We nearly pissed our pants together, so by the time we finally got to the washroom, we agreed to have a beer together later. She was there with some friends, so I agreed.About an hour later my co-workers left and I found my way to Nicki's table at the opposite end of the pub. One of her friends was Brian Samson.

So, you meet Brian again. Did you blush pretty red?

Thank God for low lighting. YES. You know I blushed.

Anyway, once all the intros were done, I joined them and spent the rest of the night with them.

(Zara pauses)

And?

And what?

We had a good time.

You slept with him.

NO. 

Not that I didn't want to. It took every ounce of energy not to. But I was a good girl.We did agree to meet the next night at the pub for beers again. Brian and Nicki and Nicki's boyfriend, who was working nights.

So how did the second date go?

It was wonderful. They had a live band that night and we drank and danced and really got to know each other.

You are being so vague.

Ok. 

I slept with him on the second date.

And don't you call me a slut. I can see it in your face.

(Zara laughs)

(She knows me to well)

Honestly Bill, I thought I was in love. He was so gentle, so charming, so funny and just amazing in bed.

I didn't ask about that.

I know, but like you told me before, this is my story and I can say whatever I want.

(She licks out her tongue)

(I had to laugh)

Anyway, we hit it off so well. He was perfect. Simply perfect.I should have seen the signs, but I was in love. Finally, someone was making me feel like I was special. Like I was a queen.

But there was a low point.

I think I know.

I was so happy. Not only did I have Brian, but I had my first real girlfriend, in Nicki. She was so wonderful. I loved her all the pieces. We spent so much time together when her boyfriend was working and Brian was out of town.

I don't know what I would have done without her, later on.

But?

You know what I'm going to say.

I'm the only one sweetie. Your readers don't.

I ended our friendship.

(Zara sat for a long time staring at me through the monitor)

I just wanted you to be happy for me. I felt like my whole life was coming together. For the first in my life, I was looking to the future and not simply living day by day.And you shattered the dream.

I was so fucking mad at you. I phoned you to tell you that my life was all coming together, that I was finally settling down and I could see my dreams coming true.And what do you say to me?

If it seems too good to be true, it usually is.

I flipped. I remember spilling the glass of wine I had in my hand. I jumped up from the couch and began walking around my little apartment just yelling at you.

"How dare you say such a thing? What the fuck do you know? You don't know me. I'm not that little girl you know. I am a woman. I don't have to listen to your shit. You are not my father. FUCK YOU."

I remember not letting you speak. Not giving you even a chance to say anything. Nicki was following me around trying to get the phone from me. There were neighbours banging on my door. I didn't give a shit. All I could hear was my father.I just snapped back to the conversation I had with him, when I told him I was pregnant. You became Dad. And I hated you.

I remember screaming in the phone that I wanted you out of my life and I never wanted to speak to you again.I threw the phone against the wall and smashed it.I then fell to my knees and started to cry.Nicki must have calmed my neighbours down, because the next thing I remember was her kneeling next to me, holding me and kissing my forehead.

The one person I thought would be happy for me, I felt, turned on me.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. Later I realized that maybe I should have listened to you. I wanted to phone you so many times, but every time, I didn't know what I would say. A couple times you even answered. I couldn't speak to you.

Past history. Don't worry about it.

(Zara nods)