(Originally posted April 7, 2013)

There were images.

Vague, blurred. Like something from a bad psychedelic movie or something.

There was screaming and crying and I remember being picked up.

I was sure I was dead and I was actually floating and there was this constant, beautiful man's voice.

He kept telling me that everything would be okay and that I would be fine.

I remember seeing flashing lights and hearing people talk and all of these unfamiliar faces.

I remember seeing the lights in the hospital. The image has always stayed with me because it was like what you saw in so many movies when they were wheeling someone to an operating room.

I remember being lifted again and what looked like masked angels.

And then there was darkness.

I don't know how long I was out. There were faces, but they were dreamlike. Sometimes smiling, sometimes crying, sometimes fearful looking. They all looked familiar, but yet like no one I had ever seen before.

One image dominated. A long haired man. Big beautiful blue eyes. I remember he looked familiar as well, but I could not focus on who he was. But he always seemed to be there. Always.

They tell me it was nearly four days. They kept me sedated, just so the pain could subside. I think they did it because I simply lost it. I know somewhere along the way, that night, that I simply snapped. The hallucinations, the voices, and the images I saw. None of it was real, or normal.

Looking back now, was any of it real?

There are many times that I wish it had all been a bad dream. But it was a living nightmare.

I know it was real. At least, I believe in my heart that it was. I just hope, I never have to live that again and I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Ever.

To become that lost and so fucked up that you are on the brink of taking your own life.

That is what scared me more than anything.

The rest will heal. The pain will go away and only the scars remain. But in time they are accepted.

The first thing I saw when I awoke, with a semi clear mind, was my handsome, blue eyed, long haired and slightly scruffy looking, man.

Jay was asleep in a chair, near my bed. His hand was holding mine.

I remember looking down at our hands and thinking to myself how good it felt. How right it felt.

I tried to talk but my mouth was so dry. My lips were stuck together and my throat was sore.

I managed to ring for a nurse, who was there in a second. She immediately got me some water. I remember her looking at Jay and saying,

"Your boyfriend has not left your side."

I smiled.

My boyfriend?

She quietly left to get the doctor.

I remember laying there, looking at Jay. It was like I was seeing him for the first time. It had actually been quite a while since I had seen him, what with him starting his new business and me dating asswipe and working like a dog at my own career.

He had changed. He was not a little boy anymore. He wasn't Nicki's pesky little brother. He was a handsome man.

I felt a tear come to my eye. I still don't know why.

I squeezed his hand, slightly. He jumped up, rubbed his eyes and wiped his mouth. He looked at me and seriously, that was that.

I fell in love with him. I know that sounds corny, but it's true. I mean, I always thought he was a good looking boy. He's tall, built like a brick shithouse and that long hair.

I know what you are thinking. I was still under the influence of whatever the hell they were giving me. Maybe I was, but I do know what I felt at that moment. It was something I had never felt before in my life, not even with my ex-husband.

I felt what it was like to be in love with someone.

Jay jumped up and paged the nurse immediately. I tried to tell him that it was all looked after, but he just brushed the hair back from my face, told me I was beautiful and then told me not to talk, to save my energy.

He awkwardly kissed my forehead and rang the nurse again.

The nurse was very nice to my 'boyfriend', as she handed him my water.

All I could do was smile.

Anyway, the rest of the day was a blur of doctors, the police and friends and family.

The police were very understanding and after a brief interview they basically closed the book on the sad series of events.

As for the rest, it was a barrage of questions and hugging and crying and on and on and on.

It was fucking exhausting.

But one thing was missing. Somewhere in all the excitement and confusion, Jay disappeared.

For the longest time, I didn't notice. I had a long talk with Zoey and then with Zoey and Auntie She and Uncle Peter. That, of course ended up in tears and hugging and more tears and more hugging. But in the end, I had my little girl back in my life.

She kept begging me to forgive her. I told her there was nothing to forgive. It was as much my fault as it was her's.

I also had a long talk with Nicki, who filled me in on a lot of things, the most important of which was Jay. She told me how he had taken over that night and that no one, absolutely no one, could touch his Zara, until he said so. She told me that he never left the hospital room. Nicki would bring him food and clean clothes. He never left my side.

She also told me that he had been in love with me pretty much his entire life.

I remember crying.

By 10 that night, I was exhausted. Everyone had gone and I was ready to sleep.

My room looked like a flower garden.

There was a slight knock on my door and a head peered in. It was Jay.

As tired as I was, I sat up in bed. He just walked in and stood at the foot of my bed. I started to cry and I held my arms out.

We held each other for an eternity. Well at least it seemed that way. And then he kissed me.

I remember lying back and staring into those big blue eyes and I honestly got lost.

We never spoke a word. Not a single word.

He pulled up a chair, took off his coat and sat down. He held my hand and I was asleep in seconds.

It was the first peaceful night's sleep I had in what seemed like ages.

When I awoke the next morning, Jay was gone. Zoey was there with Dylan. She said Jay had to leave and he asked them to be there when I woke up.

Within the next hour or so Aunt She and Uncle Peter and Nicki and Will, with little Jamie, were all there. Apparently Jay had asked them all to come to the hospital. No one knew why.

About a half hour later, Jay walked into the room. He had the largest bouquet of roses that I have ever seen. There had to be a hundred or more roses.

He put them on my nightstand and he sat on the edge of the bed.

Every woman dreams of that special time when the man she loves asks her to marry him. The romantic dinner, candles, music and the tradition of the man getting down on one knee. The question, the surprise, the answer.

My life was full of weird chapters and quite honestly, the unusual was the norm for me.

This was no different.

At least I had managed a bath, of some sort that morning and the women had managed to wash my hair and I even had on a new nightgown, made of flannel. Some sexy, eh?

Jay reached in his pocket, took out a ring, took my hand and put it on my finger.

No question.

No answer.

No nothing.

Like the night before, we had not spoken a word.

I just looked into those blue eyes and that was the first time I told him...

"I love you."

We kissed and that was that.

Just in case you were curious about my ring. It's a 4 carat Blue Nile diamond, surrounded by rubies and emeralds.

Jay told me the rubies were for my red hair, the emeralds for my green eyes and the diamond for his love.

That was nearly 10 years ago.

He is still the love of my life. Well, at least one of them.