Two weeks had passed and Steve was getting worse. Like, real worse. He could hardly look at me without getting this deep, sombering look in his eyes. It haunted me. He didn't sleep with me anymore. No, no no that was the wrong choice of words. Let me restart. He didn't stay in the same room with me. He decided I would have his bed and he slept out in our makeshift bed in his living room. I don't think he ever slept.

I'm not sure if it was the looming situation or Steve's absence, but the thoughts started to come back. The intruding thoughts that told me this would be over if it ended. If I ended it. That's all it would take. And many times I considered it, but my mind would drift towards Steve. He told me he'd already lost me many times. I made a self promise to never lose Steve again.

I sat in my room, frantically writing into my journal as the memories came back. Bucky was becoming clearer, as if I opened the curtains in a blackened house. Something always felt off, though.

Anyways, I wrote in my journal. Some memories of Steve came back. A lot of my memories have to do with Steve. But something I didn't expect to reappear was my memories of HYDRA. Obviously, I was traumatized by the events, and writing them down seemed to be the only thing that helped.

The memories weren't contained in my mind. They creeped up my spine and shocked my nervous system. They crawled into my ears and whispered commands. They took over my fingers and made the pull the trigger. I twitched, trying to control my breathing as a poured every detail of the murders into my journal.

I looked up before his knuckles even hit the door. If I looked like how I felt, I'm surprised Steve didn't run away immediately. The pain in his eyes shone through as he looked at me to speak.

"Bucky," not buck. Not the nickname I had come to adore, "your lawyer is here." His mouth twitched as if to say more, but he never did. He left the room.

I stood up and walked to the kitchen, where I saw a red headed man with red circle glasses on seated at the table. Sam stood next to him and Steve was nowhere in sight.

"I want Steve," I told Sam. I couldn't figure out our dynamic, but we acted like how I remember my sisters and I acting. My head pounded.

"Yeah, I know." He paused. "I want him too. But he can't be here."

"Why-"

"I don't know." Sam snapped, but I knew it wasn't filled with anger. "He used to tell me everything-"

"But now he says nothing." I finished his sentence for him and nodded gently.

I turned to the man who sat at the counter. He was presumably and most likely my lawyer. By the looks of the glasses and the walking cane he held in his hand, he was blind. But the twitch of his fingers and gentle tilt of his head when I was speaking told me there was more than meets the eye.

I walked in front of him, looking at him directly in the eye even if he couldn't reciprocate the action. "Hello, I'm Bucky Barnes. And you are?"

His head snapped up, but his face angled slightly away from mine. "I'm Matthew Murdock and I will be defending you for the trial."

I sighed. "You defend criminals a lot, Mr. Murdock?"

A smirk pulled at his lips. "No. And may I just say, you are a killer, that's certain. We know you did these crimes. There's tons of evidence stacked against you. No, I didn't take this case because you were innocent. By all means, you're not. I took this case because of your...interesting circumstances."

Sam and I shared a glance. My metal arm seemed to flex on its own, becoming uneasy with the idea of me losing the trial.

Matthew continued. "HYDRA is a very top secret organization. However, I have found a multitude of resources in this very complex that I can build up a winning case. Natasha has agreed to take the stand. I understand you two were trained in the same room?"

I nodded without thinking. Of course he couldn't see it. "Yes," I said softly.

Sam looked at me with his brows furrowed. "It'll work out. Steve wouldn't let it go any other way."

"I don't see Steve here. Do you?" My voice caught in my throat. I cleared it and turned back to Matthew, who continued.

"Additionally, I'd like a CAT scan of your head. I have a theory that could prove very useful to us. Hopefully Dr. Banner and Mr. Stark can help us in those fields?" His head tilted towards Sam.

Sam nodded, crossing his arms. "I think they'd be more than happy to. Yeah, it can work."

After Matthew left, Sam and I were alone to discuss everything we had just learned. Neither of us knew the other well enough to know our feelings on the matter, and we were both preoccupied with Steve to realize that I was in deep trouble.

Sam nodded absentmindedly. "I'll talk with tony. He'll do the CAT scan without complaint, I think. Bruce is the one who could probably help the most, though." He looked at me. "You alright?"

"As happy as a dead man could be," I replied, stating at my sock. It used to be a bright white color, but it had faded and worn until it had holes all over it and was stained with dirt and mud.

***

The next day I had waited until 12 o'clock to go up to the lab. I was awake all night and I couldn't sleep, thoughts of an impending doom whispered in my ear all night.

The lab was a vast room with multiple tables and robots. Tony and Bruce stood in the center, staring at a hologram and swiping tabs up, down, and across. They spoke so quickly, and sometimes just shared a glance before collectively agreeing that was not what they needed.

I cleared my throat to notify them of my presence. Bruce doin around and eyed me up and down. From what I've read on him, he's a monster too. He knows what it's like on our end of the conversation. Maybe he won't look at me like the murderer I am.

"Hey, Barnes," tony greeted and came up behind Bruce.

Bruce have me a warming smile. "Hi. Now, we're going to use an MRI machine in you."

"But-" I went to interject.

He stopped me. "Yes, I know how they work. Magnets and your arm will not mix well." He gently chuckled under his breath.

Tony grabbed a circular device it in. The device looked simple yet heavy as tony set it down on the table. There were a number of small switches on the bottom side of it.

"Helmet." Tony answered my question before it even left my lips. "It's a mini-MRI machine. Made this puppy in a couple hours. It transfers the pictures to this computer over here," he tapped on a box, "and I can see anything that was put in your head. Bruce, here, is the one who's more sympathetic so, that's his job."

I looked at the both of them, my eyebrows sinking closer to my eyes as Tony kept talking. I still felt like something was off. Something wasn't right.

"Steve?" I asked. One word. Many different meanings.

Tony shook his head. "He's um...he's uh...not here right now. He told us to go along with it though, well, seeing you're comfortable with it of course."

I nodded, stepping up to a gurney that lay next to one of the tables with medical equipment on it. As my hands touched the cold metal I was transported back to bases. Multiple places, each with their own painful operations. One went okay, I was saved. The other ended with darkness, as so many memories did.

Bruce was staring at me. "Bucky?" He called. "Is it okay?"

I blinked, staring up at him. "What?" I croaked.

"I'm going to strap down your arm," he said with sympathy floating in his eyes. "Is that okay?"

I handed him my left arm, which his strapped to the gurney. It looked my arm in multiple times. I stared at the mechanisms as they whirred, adapting to my strength. Tony placed the helmet on my head. It completely covered my eyes, which I enjoyed. It gave me a wall between real life and the dreams I had constructed for myself.

"Try to relax. It'll make this go faster," tony called.

And just like that, the machine clicked on. It was quiet. It was so quiet that I could hear the footsteps of people outside my helmet. I didn't like that I couldn't see who it was, but it was most definitely tony and Bruce. So I didn't worry.

I heard tony tell Bruce. "Look, look what the machine picked up-" But I cut it off with my screams.

Whatever HYDRA did to my head was not a fan on the MRI.

"What are you doing?" Bruce yelled at tony.

"I'm not doing anything!" Tony yelled back.

"Well turn it off! Shut it down!"

"That can cause more damage!"

"Get it off of his head, d*ammit!"

I screamed as my right arm clawed at the helmet, desperately trying to free myself from the torture. Rings emitted from my head and stabbed my eardrums. It suddenly halted and the helmet was thrown off my head.

My breathing was still too quick as I looked at Tony, Bruce, and a quiet Steve in the corner. Bruce ran his hand through his hair, staring at me in disbelief. My eyes stayed on Steve. The helmet was in his hands. Tony coughed as he typed vigorously. The two men talking quietly about the part of the picture they had.

"Steve?" I was hoping I want just seeing this. I was praying that this wasn't some sick joke my mind played on me.

He stepped towards me, quickly undoing the restraints on my arm. He looked me in the eyes, his eyebrows frowning, and opened his mouth to speak. Nothing came out. He just grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. A hug that I knew he didn't want to end.