We originally wanted him to come to Worcester Bi-Weekly but because of his job at the Willows making him to work every day made things hard for us to see each other. We tried to plan when he will come out here so we can go see Aladdin during June but because he was either doing something with his parents getting ready to move, friends, and his job we had to keep postponing the date. Then on Wednesday June 19th he decided that he will come to Worcester right after he is done with work because we been trying to see each other for so long. When he got here I treated him to frozen yogurt at YoWay and then we went to Institute Park. We made out a little.

Then I showed him the church where I went for Brownie Girl Scouts. Then we drove to Showcase Cinema for the movie. It was super romantic for us and we would sing along during the movie too. It was so cute. I was also getting excited during Will Smith you never have a friend like me and Jasmine's new song Speechless. Then he drop me off and he left.

We had also been FaceTiming each other almost every night. Then for the 4th of July I went back to Salem for the fireworks and Josh met me and my parents for the fireworks when he got out of work. It was so romantic watching the fireworks with him even though my parents were there.

I got home and let him know I got back home safely. Then on July 13 I went to the beach with Emma and had a good time but we still got into some fights about my relationship so I vented all that to Josh the next night which upset him. We hung up and he actually messaged Emma about it and then called me back to make sure I was ok and to told me what Emma said. I didn't know at the time but I feel that, that was the beginning of the end. My fear of him ended up being like Said was going to come true.

That following Saturday we plan a whole day together which was and still is one of the best days of my life but what I didn't know is that this was also going to be the beginning of his mom having a problem with our relationship. Another thing I was afraid of.

He came to my house around 11:30 and he drove us to Fitchburg for their first pride.

It was fun but it was also really hot and I started to not feel good. I was starting to feel dizzy and light headed. Josh helped me back to the car and put on the AC. He gotten himself something to eat (I had already gotten lunch when we first got there) he came back and ate. After he was done he asked if I was better and I told him I am. He drove us back to my house so he could change into his bathing suite and then went to the beach. Like the 4th of July and Pride it was our first Beach day as a couple. I hope it won't be our last. Also like the 4th of July I never went to the beach with a boyfriend before.

I hate how I look without glasses. We went swimming for a little bit but because there was so many people and the little boys were not behaving themselves we got out and went to the other side. I was hoping we could make out but there were some people on that side too so we were just in each other arms.

We play "Can you feel the love tonight" from the Lion King because we were planning to see the life action that night. We were so in love. Then at 4:00 we went back to my house so we can change back into our clothes and at 5:00 we left for Blackstone. We plan to see the movie at 10:20 so we could have enough time to explore the shops and boy it was worth it. The first shop we went into was guitar central.

He's a musician so he got excited and he went on the drums, one of the guitars, and one of the Keyboards. I love seeing him like this. We explore other shops and then we got to game stop and went inside. He nerd out with all the video games. Whenever he gets like this makes me even more attractive to him. I just love him for the way he is. Then we went through more shops and I treated him to Penara bread. We continued on until we saw Dick's Sporting goods and he got excited over that. We went inside and look around. He is into fishing so he really like looking through the fishing section. Then we saw a bating cage and of course he gotten excited and we did some.

It was so much fun and I love him so much.

After that we went to Target and bought a couple of snacks for the movie. Then went back to the theater. He bought our tickets and my popcorn and we took our seats. From the opening song he gotten excited and was singing along to it. Certain songs we would sing along to and it made me happy seeing him happy. He is defiantly the man I want. When the movie was done we got back to the car and he started to drive me back home but he was starting to have a problem with his car. His car was overheated. I didn't know that was going to happen. He didn't either. No one did and I didn't know that this will really cause a problem with our relationship.

Everything was fine when we FaceTime that Tuesday. He did took forever to respond to be Wednesday and finally did Thursday. All I said was lol finally. Emma came to Safe Homes that night. I was looking forward for LGBT ASL but that didn't happen. Instead it was a free night. There was some clothes that was donated too. After I gotten some new clothes me and Emma decided to leave Safe Homes early to smoke at her dad's house. When we walked there we got into another fight about Josh. Then we got to her dad's house and when we were smoking the weed I notice that Josh texted her asking if he could ask her something and to keep it between them. I started to get a bad feeling and it triggered me because it made me think of when Said texted Emma about how he was feeling about me. This made me confuse because I thought we were ok and happy. I didn't understand what was going on and because of that I was even more mad. Emma then showed me the conversation she had with him the other day and I was even more mad because I found out that Emma had a miscarriage and didn't tell me. Now I know what Ashley was talking about months ago and I was mad that she told Josh and not me. I was also mad that I found out that Ashley was talking about me to him as well. It was about Noah and how I never told him that I am not interested in him and that I want to be with Josh. Something like that. Then I gotten a text from my mom. She gotten mad at me because she found out I left Safe Homes and been with Emma this whole time. She also threatened that she will not bring me to Safe Homes anymore. Again I gotten trigger because she had already stop me from going there after when I talked to Mike about my depression that cause a lot of problems and I wasn't allowed to come back until after I turn 18. I was worried because this would be my last year being able to go to Safe Homes. When Emma walked me home I was really upset and I needed to vent it all out to Josh which was a mistake.

When we were FaceTiming I went straight into everything and he had a hard time processing. We hung up and next thing I knew it his mother message me. I had deleted our conversation so I don't remember everything she was saying but she was saying how shaking he was after talking to me and he was worried about my mental health and I should never tell him if I'm upset and that our relationship is over. She was also begging me to not contact him anymore. She also talked about how upset she was that he had gotten home so late that last time he cane out here and about the car. She told me she doesn't want Josh to come out here to see me anymore and that he's so busy right now he isn't ready to be in a committed relationship and that he doesn't even have time for her. They had to plan a vocation in order for them to spend time together. She made me feel that we see each other a lot when that's not true. Only twice a month. She was also making me feel like I have been a bad girlfriend to him that I have been controlling him and I gotten upset with him when he wanted to hang out with his other friends but that's not true. I was never like that at all and I didn't understand what was happening. She also mention how she doesn't like that we would talk really late at night and that I am effecting his life in a big way. She made me feel like I shouldn't want to always FaceTime him.

When she first started to message me I started to cry. I called Emma right away and talked to her while his mom was messaging me. I just didn't understand what was happening. When I was done talking to Emma and finally with Josh's mom I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. I would close my eyes for a few minutes and then open them again. Twisting and turning. Turning on and off my fan. I didn't sleep at all that night and I cried so much.

I was really tired the next day and I finally went to sleep on the couch in the afternoon. I was feeling so depressed and confused. I didn't feel like doing anything on Wattpad. Later that night I talked to Emma and she told me what Josh said. I watched the series finale of Andi Mack. Then the next day Emma was finally able to send me their conversation. What he was saying broke my heart. He said that I have said some really abusive things to him which I didn't realized and that because of everything he been through and going through right now he isn't ready to be in a committed relationship right now. Which sounded like his mom. Emma asked him if he did love me and he said of course he did he wouldn't say anything he didn't mean. This made me to question rather or not I was even ready to be in a relationship too.

He finally FaceTime me that Wednesday and we talked. I did a good job staying strong and not breaking down but I did a little. He was telling me that he is going to be busy in the next couple of months and he told me everything he is going to be doing and then I talked about my past relationships and how I have always been in a relationship after a relationship after a relationship and that maybe I'm not ready either. We agree to go back being just friends but we also agree that it is possible that we will be together again in the future. He also want me to keep going to the Kiva and work on my mental health.

I still don't understand a lot that happen because it did seem all of a sudden. I been talking a lot about this in the support groups at the Kiva. Someone told me a couple of tips I should do that could help. One of them being when I an upset don't talk to him right away. Schedule a day and time and a time limit to talk about it. Write what I want to talk about down so I can get it out when I need to get it out and so I can know exactly what to say and talk about it for only a certain amount of time. They also gave me a tip for when we are having these kind of conversations and when he might need to process it. Red light, yellow light, green light. Red light means stop the conversation I want to talk about something else, yellow means pause I need to process, abs green means keep going and that should keep checking in every few minutes to make sure it's ok. I hope I get the chance to do that.

Now everything that had happen I'm afraid to even be with him again or to be in another relationship because I feel that I am self destructive and if we do get back together then it will really be bad like what happen with Said when we gotten back together. I'm afraid that it will be even more like that.

I decided that I will study to get my permit and learn to drive. My goal is to be able to drive by Halloween so I can just drive myself to Salem and make things easier for us. He's worth it.

I am also working on my application for graduate school at Salem State for next year so I do believe we will be together. I am destined to live in Salem. I don't want to live in Worcester anymore.

38. What is the scariest thing you are facing right now. 

I'm scare of my future. I'm scare for being in another relationship after everything. I'm scared that I won't be with Josh again. I'm scare about learning how to drive and I am scared that I won't get into graduate school at Salem State. I'm scared that I will always be struggling with depression and that I might self harm again or worst.