32. Write about your day or week so far. Did something good or bad happen? Are you feeling happy or sad? Did you learn or do something new? 

My day just started

Week

My week have been rough but it's getting better. Josh finally facetime me yesterday and we talked. We decided that we are going to be best friends again and that neither of us is ready to be in a relationship. We been together for 5 months but for me it was because I am always in a relationship. I usually am never single. I was with Felix in 7th grade then Charles from March of 8th grade to March of 9th grade. I was with Chris from February of 8th grade to December of 10th grade. I was with Said on and off from August of 10th grade to February of 12th grade. I was with Edgar the first time from May of 12th grade to September of my second year at Salem State. I was with Kyle for a month that month and year. When I got home for break in December I went back to Edgar and was with him until January of this year. I finally told Josh how I feel in February and we got together. I had 3 sexual relationships. 2 of them was sexual abuse and 2 of them was rape. Charles and Edgar was sexual abuse. Edgar was because he refuse to try using a condom. Charles and Chris was rape. Charles because he made me to do oral sex on him and Chris because of our age differences. I was 15 and 16 and he was 20 and 21 when we were together. Because of all of this I equal sex to unhappiness and abuse and have a hard time being intimate with anyone. Because of all of my relationships and everything that happened I have a lot of insecurities and I couldn't trust Josh or his love for me as much as I should have. I needed to break the cycle and I finally did by letting us go for now and someday we will be together again. I am also planning on learning how to drive so that way I can drive to Salem to see him so he won't always have to drive and see me because he is worth it to me. I honestly have never been in love with anyone as I am in love with him. One of my best friends. So I was sad and worried about us but now after talking to him I am actually feeling happy. We both know I need to work on my mental health and I feel that in order to love him completely I have to work on my mental health.