Well it's not as bad as it was back in High School. I feel that it has improved since I started going to Salem for college although I still had my depressive moments because of stress but I haven't given in to the urge of self harm or any attempts. Since I graduated I been going to the Kiva and I been talking about different things that is on my mind so I would like to think that it have gotten better but I still have my moments where I just don't want to be here anymore. Itt really freaked Josh out the last time I vented a lot of stuff at him and I was talking about self harming. That was part of the reason why we decided to just be friends for now because maybe I wasn't ready to be in another relationship because of everything I been though and he told me he still want me to go to the Kiva and improve on my mental health. We did agree on when we are both ready we could be together again but everything that is mom said to me still effected me making me feel that I was right to think I don't deserve him and that I am worthless and unwanted. She made me feel like I am a bad girlfriend and that she doesn't want us together. This really effected my mental health in a big way and now I don't know if I will ever be ready to be with him again or even anyone because what I just went through with Josh was worst then what I ever went through with anyone else. That time with that guy who I don't remember ever meeting really triggered me when he offered $1000 if I would do something sexual with him for 10 minutes. That really triggered me and I talked about it in group at the Kiva. Andy told me that he been through a lot of shame and guilt over some thing that had happen to him and that he finally let it go when he was 40. He hoped that it doesn't take me that long to realized that it isn't my fault. He told me that it's not my fault. I don't know. Since I was little my friends and other people would blame me. With Josh's mom she put all that responsibility on me of the last time he came over here and that he came home so late like if I made him to go see a late movie with me. He could have suggested an earlier time. That's why I feel that this whole thing was my fault. 

I'm still going to kiva because it feels good talking about everything and I also enjoy the activities they have along side the groups. This month the Kiva have on Mondays Morning Jump start peer support from 9:30-10:30, American Sign Language 10:45-11:45, Coping with Anger 11:00-12:00, Spanish peer support 11:15-12:15, Breaking cycles 12:00-1:00, Zumba with Andrei 12:30-1:30, Yoga with Lindsey 1:30-2:30, and lastly Guided Meditation 2:30-3:30. I'm excited about the meditation. That's new and I plan on doing that tomorrow after Yoga. On Tuesdays Sharing & Caring Conversation 10:00-11:00, Community gathering starts at 11:15, Latin lunch 12:30, Trauma Informed Addiction Support Duel Diagnosis. So now I would leave after lunch on Tuesdays. On Wednesdays there is Wellness Wednesday 9:30-10:30, Peers of Color Support 10:45-11:45, Copulative Behavior Support 12:00-1:00, Life after Violence 1:00-2:00, Guitar 101 2:00-3:00, Zumba Express with Andrei 2:00-2:30 and Yoga Express with Lindsey from 2:30-3:00. Last week I went to guitar 101. This week I plan on doing Zumba and Yoga so I'll be doing that twice this week. Monday and Wednesday. On Thursday there is a walking group with Andrei 9:15-9:45, Living with loss 10:00-11:00, Alternatives to Suicide 11:15-12:15, Voice Hearers & Alternative Realities 12:30-1:30, Spirituality & Wellness 1:35-2:35, and then System Survivors Group 2:35-3:30. Then on Fridays the Kiva don't open until 12:00. Sharing & Caring Conversation 12:30-1:30, Recovery through art 1:45-3:15, Recovery through rhythms (Drum Circle and more) 3:30-4:30, Lastly Karaoke/Spoken Word from 4:30-6:00. 

I had also asked Josh earlier if he misses me and he told me he does. That literally made me tear up because that made me so happy. It meant a lot to me that he told me that he does misses me and that it's weird that we haven't been hanging out so much. That help me with my hope. That is it with my evaluating my mental health. I will continue my recovery at the Kiva and I hope that we will find each other again. I hope that my mental health will make more improvement where I won't keep thinking about wanting to self harm. If I still have to live with my depression I want to get to the point where self harm and suicide is far from my mind no matter how depressed I get.