Dear Josh's mom

I love your son so much you have no idea. I been through a lot in my past relationships and I was unhappy in the last relationship I was in. He is my light to my darkness. From the first day I met him he light up my day and I fall in love with him. I wasn't sure if I should tell him how I feel since it was my last semester but I did anyways because I knew if I didn't then I would regret it. He made me feel special on Valentine's Day. I loved you and your husband and the rest of his family. You were kind to me and let me to spend the weekend at your house before my spring break trip and I was able to stay there when I got back from my spring break trip. Josh is a special guy and I know I probably don't deserve him but he makes me happy and I know I made him happy. I debated on whether or not I should break up with him before graduation or to go through the long distance relationship and I shows the long distance relationship to give him a chance. 

Long Distance relationships are not easy but we made it work. We originally wanted him to come see me bi-weekly but because of his job at the Willows they made him to work everyday so it was hard for him to just come down here bi-weekly. We still tried to find a day for him to come out here. I don't know why you said that I have been controlling and that I gotten upset when he wanted to hang out with his other friends. I never did that. Yeah I was sad when he couldn't come and see me but I have always understand and that made me feel like I have been a bad girlfriend. You also got mad about the late night talks when we were on Facetime and I'm sorry about that but he choose to talk to me at 11:00 at night. It wasn't just me. We had a great time when he came here on June 19th so we can see Aladdin and it was super romantic and fun. I love him so much. He is my Aladdin and I am his Princess Jasmine. 

We were able to share a moment on the 4th of July when I came to Salem and he got to where I was after work. It was the best 4th of July I ever had. He came back out here on July 20th and we plan a whole day to be together. Now I'm sorry he came back home late. We should't have went to see the movie so late but it wasn't all on me. He could have suggested an earlier time and I would have been okay with that but he didn't. We went to Pride in Fitchburg and it wa snice but really hot. We left and we had a good time at the Beach. We were both happy and I didn't make him to do anything he didn't want to do. HE WAS HAPPY and looked at me with so much love like HE ALWAYS DOES. Then we went to Blackstone. The reason why I picked a late time to see the Lion King was because we were going to Blackstone and I wanted to show him all the shops they have. 

He had gotten excited when we went into guitar central, Game Stop, and Dick's sporting goods. I love seeing him that excited and I get to learn more about him and that made me to love him even more. He can always be himself with me and I accept him for how he is. I treated him at Penara bread. He did call his dad to let you guys know that he was planning on seeing the movie at 10:20 and we thought it was okay. We went into Target and got some snacks and then went back to the theater and went to see the Lion King. He was very excited because the Lion King is his favorite movie and it was adorable seeing him get so excited and singing along to the movie. Again it made me to fall even more in love with him. 

When the movie was done we went back to the car and we were happy. On the way of dropping me off his car was having problems so we stop for a little bit. It had overheated. We didn't know that, that was going to happen. No one did and that's NOT on me. He was able to drop me off and he left. He texted me to let me know he got back home safely. I'm sorry we worried you but if he had suggested an earlier time I would have been okay with it. We just wanted to have the day together because unlike what you think we don't see each other a lot. Only twice a month. I am sorry that he is busy and even too busy for you. I knew how busy he is going into the relationship. That's the perks of being in love with someone who is a theater major and I would have understood if he had told me that he is going to be busy. He never did and unlike what you think he never tried to tell me. We were good up until that Thursday night when I vented to him and he gotten upset. I'm sorry I made him worried about my mental health but I wasn't using that to control him. I am working on it but I was really upset and I wanted to talk about it with him. Telling me to not tell him when I am upset and if I do you will get upset with me really hurt me. Make me feel that I can't tell him anything of how I feel and that's not good when you are in a relationship. When you are with someone you are suppose to talk to the person how you feel. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I know I went about it the wrong way but I want a chance to do it better. 

Telling me don't contact him anymore or else you will be upset really make me feel that you don't even want us to be friends anymore. Because of everything you said I had a hard time sleeping. I didn't sleep at all that night crying and thinking about what you said. 

I finally did talk to him the following Wednesday and he told me how busy he is going to be in the next couple of months and therefore won't have time to have a girlfriend. I would have understood if he had actually talked to me about busy he's going to be before this and I would have understand and figure out times when we could facetime and I would have been okay with him not coming out here at all this month because I care about him and I love him and I knew going into the relationship that he would be busy. I know that because he is on the autism spectrum he has a hard time with communication but still I feel that he didn't give me a chance to be okay with it and I feel that the reason why he decided he can't be with me anymore because he is so busy is because you pushed him to. I have had a relationship where the mom made things hard for me to be with her son and I didn't think that was going to happen with Josh but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why I keep falling in love with guys who are bad with communication and has mother's that don't want me to be with him. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of you for making things difficult like the few weeks before my graduation we tried to spend a lot of time together since we know we were going to be in a long distance relationship but you got upset that you don't see him enough and that we spent a lot of time together so we tried to balance it out. 

I had then talked about my past relationships and how I might not be ready to be in a relationship either. We agree that for now we will be just friends but maybe someday in the future we will try again. You said how I effected Josh's life in a big way and you don't like that but guess what? Because of all of this it has effected MY LIFE in a big way and I don't like that. Before he finally FaceTime me and talked to me I have been crying on and off. I choose to let him go for now because I was afraid more things that happen with Said would happen with Josh and I can't bare to lose him forever. That is how special he is to me and how much I DO love him. Always and Forever. I felt really alone at the Potluck at Safe Homes because Josh couldn't come and everyone had brought someone from their family or a friend with them. I was the only one who didn't and I knew my mom wouldn't want to stay at Safe Homes for the Potluck so I didn't bother to try asking her. 

I have been going to the Kiva which is a place that has support groups and I told them about what had happen. A friend told me a couple of suggestion I should try with Josh to help whenever I need to vent and I would want the chance to do that because I feel that it was helpful. I felt uncomfortable Friday night on August 9th and I wanted to tell Josh about it because he will always be one of my best friends but I was afraid to tell him how I was feeling because of everything that happen and because I know how busy he is.  I did asked if he is busy on September 7th because that is when Worcester Pride is and I want him to go to that with me but now I am afraid if you will even let him. I'm anxious about it because I miss him so much and I want to see him. You created anxiety for me and now I am afraid to even be with him again or to be with anyone ever again because of my past relationships and also what had just happen with Josh. He was my first true love. I never knew this kind of love before. He was a man and now I know how a man is suppose to treat a lady and you took that away from me.  I'm done!!!I'm sick of this.