5 years ago I was 17. A junior in high school. I haven't cut in 4 years even though sometimes I feel like it. I am actually trying to get help instead of letting it being a bordering on Josh like I did with Said. He wanted me to talk to Mike who is a councilor at Safe Homes. I did but he had to pushed me and I was afraid that I will lose him again if I didn't so I did. Now I am trying and not for Josh but for me. For my last semester at Salem State I actually did went to see a councilor and I plan on going back to the Kiva this week and go to their support groups. I wouldn't do all that for my mental health back than. I also feel that I am more independent then I was back then because of going to college. Although sometimes being home I don't feel independent. I wanted to be a special education teacher but I had changed my mine on what I wanted to do. From being a social worker in DCF to a school social worker, I had also thought about being a school councilor because of 13 reasons why, to immigration social work and now I want to be a teacher's aide or work with students on the spectrum. Now I need to figure what I really want to do which was something I didn't have to do before. Back then I knew what I want to do and now I am not sure. I am more open minded then I was. I actually tried smoking weed with Emma and at first I thought it was weird and I didn't like it but then I had gotten high twice and it felt good. I didn't feel depress just silly. I am more passionate in different issues like LGBTQ issues, women's rights, immigration and so on. I am not as naive as I was back then but I do give off that persona so some people won't believe me that I am not that much as I was back then. 

Now I have graduated from college and taking a gap year. Hopefully I won't take longer then a year off because I really want to go back for my masters next year. I am actually thinking about doing driver school because I am sick in seeing having a drivers license being a requirement for a job. There has to be a job that doesn't need a stupid license. I had better luck in finding those jobs last year. Even though I don't want to be a license teacher anymore I have decided to at least tale the History MTELs so at least I would be a history teacher and that would open more options for me. I might even still take my GRE's even though I graduated with a 3.6 so I don't have to but I want to just to be on the safe side. I am worried I won't be able to continue my education or not be able to move to Peabody. I'm worried that my long distance relationship with Josh will last longer then a year. I do not want that to happen. I only want a year and nothing more. 

I'm not as depressed or suicidal then I was 5 years ago.