No matter how happy and strong he was, First could no longer get rid of his dark thoughts, they came back like a boomerang, hurting him all over again.  Sometimes, when no one was around, he would lock himself in a room or bathroom, most often without turning on the light, and let the surrounding darkness creep into his heart and poison all his organs.  Suffering then flowed through his veins like a toxin.  He didn't want to fight anymore.  19 years of suffering and fighting destroyed him too much and he never finally got rid of his memories.  His trauma remained inside him, destroying everything he had tried to build.

That morning he also woke up with a heavy heart and the feeling that he had missed something, that he had made the wrong choice, that what he was doing made no sense.  Some mysterious fear he didn't understand gripped his stomach.  He opened his eyes, looked at Khaotung sleeping peacefully next to him, and quietly slipped away to the bathroom.  He stood in front of the mirror and looked at his reflection critically.  Only now did he notice that wrinkles had appeared on his face, a sure sign of aging.  He sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair.  His gaze fell on his scarred hands.

Despite what he had done and what was currently happening in his life, he couldn't shake his suspicion and anxiety.  His heart was heavy and his own thoughts attacked him like a pack of demons.  He didn't want to fight anymore, even though he knew he couldn't give up, couldn't leave forever, it would hurt Khaotung too much.  He knew Khao loved him, he knew how important he was to him, and he knew how much everyone around him had sacrificed for him to be where he was, but his own mind kept telling him that the world would be a better place without him, that no one  I don't need him and his problems.

He opened the cabinet above the sink, hidden behind a door that had been cleverly transformed into a large mirror.  Inside, apart from the cosmetics, he found a small package: these were sleeping pills prescribed to him by the Non-Magical psychiatrist.  He got it when he admitted that he had been suffering from insomnia for months.  The meeting with the psychiatrist was Khaotung's idea, and he led First there by the hand and sat with him during his first two visits.  Later, First, as promised to his boyfriend, went to subsequent visits alone.  At that time, he was incredibly proud of himself: he had just found out that he was a Magician, that he was a sorcerer, he had found someone who loved him unconditionally and the fact that he was able to handle things on his own without anyone's presence or care seemed to him a huge success,  but now, when he looked back, he felt like he hadn't really done anything great.  And he wasn't even sure anymore whether this magical world really existed or was just a figment of his suffering mind.  He wanted it to be true so much, he wanted to believe that he was really part of a secret organization that was fighting demons, but when he looked into his own eyes, it seemed to him that he was surrounded by madness, that this was not supposed to happen.  This defied logic and common sense.

First took out the package and weighed it in his hands for a moment.

“I don't want to feel what I feel anymore,” he thought, but at the same time his own mind opposed him, replying in a voice that sounded like Khaotung's, “But if I do what I want to do, I will hurt Khao, I will disappoint him.  I know he loves me, I know he sacrificed a lot for me, I can't do this to him.  I have to be strong, I have to keep going and fight.”

But he didn't want to fight at all...

Now he regretted that he had not asked his doctor to prescribe other pills, but he had done it for fear that one of the journalists would find out about him and turn Khaotung's life into hell.

First raised his hand with the ring.

“Why did you do it, Tung?  In front of them all?  Now that they know my name, know who I am and who I was, you will lose everything because of me.  Why didn't you think of that, Tung...?  You know I love you, I love you more than anything in the world.  In my life, I could only say "I love you" to my little brother.  Having you is a great gift, but when will you realize that I'm too damaged to be with you?  My demons... My fights... I will never be free from them.  I am a burden that will drag you down with me to the very bottom.  Please can't you see I'm drowning again?  I feel suffocated and afraid.  I don't want a future because I know that with my dreams I destroy yours.  Today I wish I could turn back time and never meet you, so you wouldn't have to suffer because of me.  What if all this isn't true?  What if it's just a figment of my imagination?  If no Khaotung Thanawat ever held my hand and never became my boyfriend?”

A thoughtful First came out of the bathroom with a package of medicines and looked at the still sleeping Khaotung.  When he looked at him, he knew that Khao was real, that he was really here with him.  The marks on his body in the form of hickeys also clearly proved the truth of the recent events, and yet his own mind tried to destroy him.  Theoretically, he had no reason to worry.

He put his purse on the nightstand, replacing it with his phone, checked Instagram and saw that he had received a lot of notifications.  Hundreds of people started following him on Instagram and he received dozens of messages and comments.  He clicked on the photo in which Lewis Hamilton tagged him at home and started reading the comments.  And although there were a lot of positive opinions, many people simply congratulated them on their beautiful engagement, First noticed the negative ones more and every bad word about Khaotung was like a stab in the back for him.  Desperate, he threw the phone, not wanting to know anything anymore.  The device bounced off the wall with a thud and fell to the floor, the entire screen cracked.  First fell helplessly to the floor and, pulling his own hair with his hands, began to cry quietly, trying not to wake up his fiancé.  He slowly got up and hid in the bathroom, closing the door behind him.  Only there did he allow himself a moment of weakness.

What he saw on Instagram terrified him and confirmed his belief that if he stayed with Khaotung, he would ultimately destroy his life and dreams.

“I'm nobody, I have no education and all work I have is thanks to Khao not because I achieved it myself. I'm useless. They're right, I don't deserve him. He's handsome, nice, funny, cute, beautiful, talented and who am I? A boy with scars? Boy with bad past? Someone who had problems with even going shopping to buy something to eat? I'm nobody, I'm a burden. Tung deserves better.”

He sat down on the cold, light-colored tile floor, hugging his knees and hiding his face.  It hurt him.  Every negative word, every comment hurt.  Someone had already searched for information about First's private life, Khaotung's fans found out that his boyfriend was mentally ill and it didn't matter that his disease was depression, it didn't matter how strong he was in the last months and how hard he tried  fight for Khao, Fourt, and their mother, the real mother, in mind.  He wanted to give up so badly!  He didn't want to have a heavy heart anymore.  He didn't want to feel guilty for dragging down people who didn't deserve it, he didn't want to be a burden, and that's how he saw himself.

His tears were heavy, salty, full of his own tragedy.  He had survived too much, too many wounds had been inflicted on him.  Even such happiness as the fact that his idol loved him was no longer joyful.  He realized that he had been in a state of euphoria that had blurred his true vision, but now he woke up and saw everything clearly.

He got up, washed his face with water, gave himself a critical look and returned to the room.  There was a notebook on the desk, he tore out a sheet of paper and wrote a short message to Khao on it: “I went out for a walk, don't worry about me, I'll be back soon.  I love you".  He pinned the note with a magnet with a postcard from Milan to the door of a huge white refrigerator.  He took one last look around the room, packed his notebook and pencil case with pens and highlighters into his bag, slung it over his shoulder, and left.

At first he didn't know where to go.  It was early in the morning and everyone was still sleeping from the party.  He decided to take a seat on the couch in the hall.  He took out a notebook and pens, opened it to a blank page and began to write, giving vent to the emotions stored inside his soul.

“I'm sorry Khao.  I know you love me and I'm sorry to hurt you again, I'm really sorry but I know I'm a burden.  You don't see it because you love me, but I see exactly what's happening.  If I stay with you, I will destroy your life.  I can't escape it, I can't escape my past, it's always there with me, tormenting me, making the pain I feel unbearable.

Whatever happens next, please don't blame yourself, because you did everything you could to help me, you gave me the most beautiful moments and allowed me to be a normal, healthy person for a moment, but it's me, it's my fault, I'm not enough  good to you and I never will be.  Let's face it, your fans already hate me, they call you perverts, fags, fags... And all because of me.  I can't let this happen.

I love you, do you hear?

I love you, but you are also cruel: why did you save me?  Why are you forcing me to live when I've been dead inside for years?  I love you, you are the greatest thing that could have happened to me, you are the miracle I was afraid to dream about.  I still can't believe you're mine, really mine.  But Khao, please understand... I have been struggling with this for many years, I don't show it to you because I don't want you to worry about me anymore, you have so much on your mind.

I believe that when you read these words, I am no longer there.  Believe me, it will be better this way.  I can no longer be fixed, I will always feel inferior, I will always need someone who will take care of me, who will hold my hand and who will handle all official matters for me.

The woman who kidnapped us, me and Fourth, was right about one thing: I'm a loser, I'm a failure.  In the non-magical world, I have achieved nothing, I have no profession, I have not completed any studies, I am a nobody, and you deserve someone great.  Please don't be in love with me anymore, fall in love with someone else, I don't want you to suffer.  I'm too broken, Khao, dirty, hurt... You can't fix me, so please let go.  That will be better.

It's not your fault and please don't think you could have done more to stop me, because you couldn't.  This plan had been following me for many years and I was looking for opportunities, but my fear of talking to people meant that I was unable to register with a psychiatrist myself.  Now that I have the pills...

Please don't feel guilty.  You did absolutely everything, you were my ray of happiness, the love of my life, my treasure, my eighth color of the rainbow.  My magic.  If I did this, it meant that I had run out of strength, that I couldn't fake a smile anymore, while a real war was going on inside me.  I was happy because of you.
Don't blame yourself.  The fact that you took me to a psychiatrist who gave me pills was the best thing you could do for me: a gift of grace and mercy.  Please, if you love me as much as I love you, don't save me.  I want to leave.  I was flawed from the beginning, from the day I was born.  My magic... I felt it and it was a huge burden for me because I didn't understand what was happening to me and why.  I want to be free, I want to not have my memories.  I fought, Khao, please tell Mom and Fourth that I fought until the end.  My disease is simply like a cancer of the soul, it destroys me and kills me from the inside very slowly.  I was naive, Tung, I believed that with love I could overcome it... But when I looked at Instagram today...

People already know that I'm mentally ill, inferior, defective.  They ask how you could choose such a zero... I don't want you to have to go through this.  Please forgive me".

Tears flowed down his cheeks as he wrote, but the corridor was still empty.  His friends and brother were still sleeping.  He put down his pen, read what he had written, wiped his face with his sleeve, and after putting the notebook back in his bag, returned to the apartment he shared with Khaotung.  He decided to pretend for now that everything was fine.  He took off his shirt, throwing it haphazardly next to Khao's clothes on the floor, and slid under the covers almost silently.  Still sleepy, Thanawat automatically and unconsciously put his arm around him, making himself comfortable with his head on his chest.  The proximity of his beloved made First decide to postpone his mission for now.  Until then, he wanted to make sure that there was someone by Khaotung's side who would comfort him and who deserved his love much more than himself.  He felt unworthy of the affection bestowed upon him by the Formula 1 driver. He stroked Khaotung's head, placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and smiled softly.

“A few more days and I will return home, to my real home, where there will be no more suffering and memories, where there will only be warmth, understanding, acceptance and happiness.  No matter how much I want to, no place on Earth is my home.  Only you make everything seem better, but it's not enough, Tung, not enough for me to win this war with my mind.  You are so beautiful, so wonderful and charming.  Sorry.  I love you, so let me stay by your side for a few more days.”

For him, his only home, which he missed very much, was the one he saw in his dreams and which he couldn't find anywhere.  It was a building with green and yellow walls, surrounded by a garden filled with flowers and vegetables, with colorful cats and two black Labradors running around, and behind which, in a pasture surrounded by white-barked birches, cows, horses, goats and ponies grazed all together.  The house he saw in his dreams was filled with warmth and love.  There was an old kitchen stove made of yellow and green tiles, with a fire roaring merrily and burning wood crackling.  On the table under the window, through which the sun's rays were peeking happily, there were plates full of food, and a woman, probably their mother from a previous life, was standing by the kitchen in a gray apron and a brown floor-length dress, stirring something in a large pot.  The woman in his dreams often hummed a song in a foreign language, her voice was melodious and pleasant to the ear.  And then the war came.  You could hear planes coming, people screaming, the house burst into flames and everything disappeared.

His dreams were always similar and he always returned to the same place, although he was sure that place was not in Thailand.  His dreams were as vivid as memories and carried a strong emotional charge.  He missed this place he called home, he missed the animals running around there and the woman cooking something.

One last lonely tear rolled down his cheek.  He realized that he himself had no right to be happy.  He hugged his fiancé tighter, closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.  Now that he had written down what he felt, he felt calmer.  And Khao doesn't need to know yet.  He had already sacrificed a lot for both of them.  At most he will never use it.  Somewhere at the bottom of his soul there was a faint flame of hope that someone would notice his struggle and be able to help him.

He listened to the steady breathing of his fiancé and the sounds of the city just waking up after the night.  The first steps of hotel guests could be heard behind the door.

First blamed his strange condition on drinking too much alcohol, although he knew it wasn't true, that what he felt had been inside him for a long time and had been hurting him for a long time, pressing him to the ground every time he tried to get up and continue living like a normal, healthy person.

But he was never normal and he was never healthy.  He realized that the love he felt for Khao and his brother was what helped him through moments like this.

He won't do it.  At least for now.  He needs to make sure Khao and Fourth stay safe and happy.  His past cannot stand in the way of their big dreams and achievements.

He sighed once more and let sleep take him away.

👑💝😆😫👀🥰😍❤️💖🥲☺️🔥🍉💛😭🤣😉😅✨🤗🪄💔💚🧡🇫🇷🥺😜🤪 😬⬇️🔻⬆️🖤😊😌🤩🤩😌😊🖤⬆️🔻⬇️😬🤪😜🥺🇫🇷  🧡💚💔🪄🤗✨😅😉🤣😭💛🍉🔥☺️🥲💖❤️😍🥰👀😫😆💝👑

From the author...

I'm sorry that First got such a dramatic role again, but I have the impression that if anyone could cope with playing such a difficult and complicated character, it would be First Kanaphan Puitrakul.

We are approaching the end, very slowly, but still...

Writing this took me longer than I expected and was much more difficult.  Every person who appears here and who is real (because there are also completely fictional characters) is someone to whom I am grateful for something.  This story is an attempt to thank each of the characters, because each of them contributed something to my life at some stage.

I didn't just put my friends and people I talk to on Instagram here because it would be too much and too complicated.  But I want you to know that I am also grateful to each of you.

I hope First is a somewhat realistic character because his experiences are somewhat based on a true story.

And I'm sorry if this story didn't meet your expectations, if I disappointed you.  I really tried and did my best to write it as perfect as I can.

You know?

My great, even enormous dream would be to make this story into a film in the form of:
a) a series that would have two or three different versions:
a1) Netflix version, let's say in English or with a sad ending
a2) YouTube version in Thai with subtitles with a happy ending
a3) Thai version with a sad ending
b) feature film
c) short film.

But it's a huge dream, and I... I don't know if I deserve it, even if I like this story very much.

Besides... For this to happen, there would have to be a lot more views...

I would love to see the actors listed here play these roles.

So can I ask you for a big favor?

Could you encourage others to read this fanfiction?  Please share the link on your social media profiles, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, Reddit, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter(X), Pinterest.  I care very much about this.  If I can do anything for you in return, please let me know.

Have a nice day, Magical People 💖

I love you 💛 You are wonderful and you deserve the best, that's why I wanted this story to be the best it could be.

~Annie

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