«Love is not something you find. Love is something that finds you »
~Loretta Young

«You can live your whole life without realizing that what you are looking for is right in front of you»
~David Nicholls

This story is dedicated to those who make me know that it's worth fighting for
~Annie

For F because you make me stronger,
For G because you're the best motivation,
For D and K, because without you I would be nobody and nowhere.

*1*

He didn't know
Yes, he didn't know
Where his life will take him
Going slowly was not for him
With bright eyes looking into the future
Maybe he would find you there

He didn't know
Yes, he didn't know
But willing to try he did everything
Putting smile on their faces
He was like a sunshine
Sweet and calm little baby with dreams

But now he shines
He shines, shines so bright
In the spotlight
People know him
Falling for his smile
Girls and boys are falling for his smile

Oh this little world
So little

He didn't know
Yes, he couldn't know
Just singing songs
And dancing around as if the world was ending
Beautiful smile, beautiful boy
Became hot, so hot

He didn't know
Yes, he couldn't know
His fate waiting for him
He was lovely, he was cute
Didn't had to try so hard
But the world was cruel
And washed his smile away

But now he shines
He shines, shines so bright
In the spotlight
People know him
Falling for his smile
Girls and boys are falling for his smile

Now his world is big
So big

But you watch him grow up
You see his smile fading away
Come to save him
Come to help your boy
So he will know
Yes, he will know

And make his world full
Full of your love

*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#

Fourth Nattawat knew one thing: he wasn't going to stay home on such a beautiful day. Dressed in his older brother's clothes (jean shorts and an orange T-shirt that was slightly too big for him), he picked up the navy blue bag he usually took to school from the floor, examined himself in the mirror, smoothed down a few unruly strands of his smooth, straight, shiny black hair and slipped out of the house without saying a word to his mother, with whom neither he nor his older brother got on very well.

It was only at the building of his school that he felt safe, although he looked around just in case if anyone was following him. He breathed a sigh of relief, seeing nothing alarming. It was an ordinary day, although not for him. Everyone around him was busy with his own business. Somewhere nearby a baby was crying, and its mother tried unsuccessfully to calm it down by handing it a bottle of milk. Cars, taxis, tuktuks and motorbikes passed along the road. It was really warm for an early morning, though Fourth knew a storm was coming. Dark blue, heavy clouds were coming from the west, heralding a downpour.

The phone in his hand vibrated, and when he looked at the display, he saw a message notification from someone with the nickname: "My Own Singer." Fourth smiled.

My Own Singer: I'm waiting for you at our place, kisses 😚😚

He replied quickly that he was on his way. Not even fifteen minutes passed, and he had already arrived at their favorite pizzeria, hidden a bit off the beaten track, but very cozy and atmospheric. He spotted his visitor and waved his hand, to which he replied the same.

"Hey Nu! Have you been waiting long?" He asked, stepping closer and taking a seat at the bright rectangular table across from NuNew.

New looked stunning as usual that day. Black, tight pants perfectly exposing his shapely legs were matched with a red shirt and a bright denim katana covered with inscriptions resembling graffiti. When Fourth took a closer look at them, he read the words love, NuNew, treasure, beauty, life, smile, pray for love, and on the left sleeve he read his nickname and name, Fourth Nattawat. He immediately knew that the credits were made on a special request of the singer. Nu had an earring shaped into a treble clef in his left ear and a note in his right ear. Fourth saw a butterfly tattoo on his neck. He himself had a small black note behind his left ear. He still remembered the rainy night New dragged him to the tattoo studio and talked him into doing this masterpiece.

"Hey nong Fourth. No, not that long. You know I could wait for you forever".

Fourth just raised his eyebrows. He knew exactly what NuNew was trying to do and what he meant by it. He covered the hand of the older boy lying on the counter with his hand. He still couldn't believe it.

NuNew Chawarin was a famous and well-liked singer not only in Thailand, but also around the world, who was currently working on his next album and somehow coincidentally, he was also Fourth's boyfriend, and although Fourth wasn't sure about his feelings to a singer three years his senior who insisted that he should at least let them try. They met in a rather unexpected way when Fourth skipped class and hid in the theater where New was rehearsing for a small concert that was about to take place at exactly the same time. Fourth bypassed security in a way known only to him and sat comfortably in one of the empty chairs. There were a lot of people around him, but no one paid any attention to him, or so he thought. It soon turned out that someone had noticed him. NuNew's sharp eyes followed from the stage every move and gesture of the unexpected intruder who dared to break into his own stronghold where he was preparing for such an important event.

Fourth, meanwhile, played a little game on his phone, but got bored with it and started looking around curiously. Then he met the gaze of a boy who had large, heavy-looking white wings attached to his back and rested both hands on the microphone in front of him.

"Wrong, wrong, wrong! Chawarin, focus! Damn it!" Someone in the front row yelled at him. Fourth thought it must be some sort of director or director of the show.

"I'm sorry, P'Zee, I'll try be better" New said remorsefully, feeling guilty that nothing was going right no matter how hard he tried. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand and sighed loudly. He felt tired and hungry, his eyes were closing by themselves, but when an unexpected visitor appeared, he suddenly perked up. He gained new energy, but at the cost of confusing the next lines. Fourth evoked conflicting emotions in him.

"Well, I think you will. If you want to achieve something, you have to work hard, you have to practice, practice and practice". Hot and handsome Zee Pruk wasn't satisfied with the sound of his ward's voice, there seemed to be something missing in his songs, some spark, and although Zee didn't know exactly what was missing, he knew they had little time to fix it. In two days they were to perform for a very important person, and it was on this performance that Zee would get the position he had long dreamed of and had devoted all his energy to. Suddenly, he followed NuNew's gaze and saw Fourth. "Ah, so he's distracting you. Here we go again."

Zee stood up, with the dignified, graceful gait of someone who knows he looks great, past several empty rows of red, plush chairs to reach the boy in the middle.

"What is your name? You're not part of our team, are you? I've never seen you before," Zee asked suspiciously, eyeing the stranger. He looked displeased at what the man was wearing.

"Oh, it's nothing, sir, I just..."

He didn't know if he could say it, he was afraid he shouldn't say anything at all, but Zee didn't wait for any answer, didn't seem to care at all.

"Can you sing?" He only asked, shocking Fourth, who replied with a slightly trembling voice.

"Yyy... Y-yes? A little bit, although I'm not the best at it."

"It doesn't matter. My artist has a problem, we've been training for a few days now and he keeps forgetting the lyrics. Could you help him? None of us can do it, and to be honest, we don't even have time for it. We will pay you."

"O-of course" Fourth agreed, and Zee showed him the way to the stage. As he stood next to NuNew, someone handed him sheets of lyrics.

"So what's your name?" New asked, looking at him curiously.

"Fourth Nattawat, you can also call me C."

"Oh, better not, or I'll mistake you for Zee Pruk, my boss. He's the one who's so angry all the time," the singer explained to him. - "I'm New Chawarin and you can call me NuNew or even Nu. I'm sorry about the boss, it's an important concert and nothing is going right, so I guess that's why he is a bit..." He thought for a moment, searching for the right word to describe it. - "A bit desperate."

"It's okay, I understand. I'd be happy to help if I can."

And this, this innate kindness and willingness to help everyone, captivated NuNew from the very first meeting, which made New want Fourth to become his boyfriend. He knew it would have to be a secret and only between them, but that didn't stop him from inviting Nattawat to the cinema, coffee shop or pizzeria. Usually, New had to take care of his figure and follow a diet, which is why he was all the more eager to find free time in his packed schedule and rush to meet a cute and handsome boy, with whom he could eat whatever he wanted and in as much quantity as he wanted. Fourth never reproached him for it, and sometimes they even raced to see who could eat faster or more. For both of them, it was a pleasant escape from their real lives.

It seemed so strange and unrealistic to Fourth that it could only happen in his dream, but it wasn't a dream, he was holding NuNew's hand, he felt his warmth, he heard his serene voice telling about how how his day had gone and how much he missed him.

„You're very kind, maybe one day I'll love you" - Fourth thought as he listened to the singer's melodious voice. Their pizzas were brought to them: even in this they differed, Fourth preferring anything with a stronger flavor, while New chose slightly milder variants of each dish. there were so many of them that Fourth was pretty sure from the beginning that it wouldn't work, and if he decided to try it anyway, it was probably because he felt a little sorry for both of them. Once he got to know New better, Chawarin turned out to be a very kind, humble a boy who loved to flirt and took every opportunity to do so, and was so sure of himself that Fourth didn't have the heart to say no. New was considered the hottest party in all of Bangkok, he had millions of followers on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and TikTok, is it possible to refuse someone like that, who, in addition, looks at you with the eyes of a cute dog?

Fourth knew he couldn't find anyone better, so he figured it wouldn't hurt to try.

New, on the other hand, was smitten with Fourth from the moment they first sang together. And it was the first time that New was not just wrong on one line, he was twisting every line. Zee wanted to stop it and thank Fourth, but his ward insisted that he would practice with him again.

"Ugh, okay, do whatever it takes to make it work". Zee waved his hand in frustration. "And so our time to rent the theater for today is over. Change your clothes, take off your makeup, go back to your hotel and sleep. We only have two days left, don't screw this up."

Fourth didn't like Zee one bit. He seemed too icy, too confident and too demanding and strict. On the way to the hotel where New was staying, the musician told him that he had always been like this, cool, distant, focused on work and achieving goals, taking care of his appearance and claiming that appearance is the first showcase of a man, whom we meet for the first time, so it must be perfect. Zee usually wore fashionable, tailor-made suits and matching ties, trying to be the best manager in all of Thailand.

"Sing with me, please" New insisted then, yanking Fourth's shoulder. "Yes, please, please. I don't like my manager yelling at me."

"Who likes their boss pissed off? Ah well, let it be. I don't want to go home anyway."

And so Fourth spent the next two days in a luxurious apartment rented for an artist, eating delicacies he could only dream of and wearing clothes from New's designer collection. He felt as if he had entered a fairy tale, and although he couldn't bring himself to fall in love with New despite his best efforts, he never refused him, knowing that he should be grateful, he was a lucky man, thousands of people would have taken his place with a kiss on the hand, and New chose him.

Fourth wasn't poor, his parents were quite wealthy, his father was a banker, his mother a teacher at the university, which was located near their home. They never lacked money, but parents always taught their sons to be self-sufficient, to try to get by on their own in life. Fourth had no problems with that, but his older brother was a completely different story.

All this time the young men devoted themselves to singing and dancing. New felt like he was born again.

"You really don't want to come along with me?" New asked then.

"No, it's not for me, I don't like being in the spotlight. But I'll come cheer you on, I know you'll manage, you're not wrong, now you can sing," Fourth told him, patting him comfortingly on the back.

It was this innate kindness that won the heart of NuNew, whom no one had ever treated so fairly before, usually people fawned over him, tried to get on his head to gain something for themselves, or criticized his every decision, ridiculing him with and insulting it. Fourth was different. From the beginning, he treated him as an equal, when New made a mistake, he pointed it out to him, but he didn't yell at him, just smiled and said that next time it would be better.

And now, though they'd only known each other for two months, New wasn't shy about asking him to be a couple. Fourth didn't like the idea from the beginning, although he liked the singer, he realized that something important was missing on his part. His heart didn't beat faster at the sight of the musician, he just couldn't feel it, though he couldn't explain it.

Despite this, they sat across from each other and chatted cheerfully, like two best friends. Exactly. Friends. Fourth had no idea how to turn friends into lovers, as New seemed to dream, but he also knew that one-sided love hurts terribly, and he didn't want to hurt him that way. He told him this frankly, to which he received a calm and enthusiastic reply that New wanted to get a chance even though it did.

"Even if you don't feel anything for me now, how can you know what will happen in the future?" He asked, and that convinced Fourth.

They finally ate and left the pizzeria. Outside, they parted, promising to meet each other the next day. New ran to the recording studio, and Fourth returned home, where he once again had to mediate between his brother and their parents.

First Kanaphan was Fourth's older brother by six years, and his parents called him the outcast and black sheep of the family. Maybe it's because First has always been himself, never trying to fit in at all costs. And that afternoon, the quarrel was over a video their mother had received from her students, clearly showing First kissing a boy on a park bench.

"You bring us nothing but shame!" Mother screamed, slapping First in the face with her bare hand. First touched the sore spot with his hand.

"But m-mom..." He whispered, trying to defend himself.

"No, you're not my son. Pack up and get out, father will rent you an apartment, I don't want to see you even in person."

"But Mom!" Fourth tried to interject this time, but First silenced him.

"Let it go, you see, this is not my home, it never was" He replied to his brother, then turned to his mother. "Okay, I'll pack. I'll spend the night in some hotel, give me money and I'll disappear from your life."

The woman smiled mockingly.

How she hated her son! Not only was he stupid and useless, he was an embarrassment to their family. Plus, just by looking at him, you can tell he's not normal, that earring, that dyed blonde hair, those eyes lined with black eyeliner, those jeans with holes in them, and those hideous scars on his forearms that scare people away, mementos of his battles with himself - it was disgusting to her to the point that she winced when she looked at him. A disgusting, ugly, disgraceful kid hidden in an adult body wasn't what she needed. She hated him and never missed an opportunity to show it to him.

"For me, you can even kill yourself, I won't cry for you" She said sneeringly, aware of how her words would affect a twenty-five-year-old.

First looked away, staring at the wall. He wished so much to hear none of it, wished he were deaf, for hearing his mother's words seemed more painful to him than hearing nothing at all. He wanted to howl in despair. He wanted nothing more than not to feel or hear or know how much someone who should love him hated him. Shouldn't mothers love their children unconditionally? Shouldn't they accept them? Why did everything go so wrong with him?

First slammed his fist against the wall in helplessness and frustration. There was so little he could do. He dreamed of escaping this world forever.

"Fourth, move away from him, or you'll get infected with this faggot" She ordered her younger son. "Don't be a piece of trash like yours, for God's sake, brother. Phew! That shit happened to me!"

Fourth was furious with their mother, thinking she had gone way too far now. He gritted his teeth to say nothing, even though he wanted to tell her, wanted to throw the words in her face: But, Mom, I'm already gay, always have been, born this way, First, too, and there's nothing you can do about it. but First wouldn't let him, grabbed his hand and led him out of the kitchen into what had been his bedroom for the past nineteen years, only when he closed the door behind them and took his suitcase from under the bed did he begin to speak.

"Nong Fourth, please don't argue with our parents, don't upset them. I know perfectly well it's my fault. I'm a loser. Maybe they would turn a blind eye to the fact that I'm gay if I achieved anything, and look at me, I'm such a failure, I didn't graduate, I don't have a job or a driver's license, I'm basically a nobody."

"But... I can't lie to her and I can't let her treat you so unfairly."

"Why do you think so? You have done nothing to deserve their dislike and hatred, they love you."

"Because they don't know that I... That I..."

Fourth jammed. He hadn't imagined it would be this hard to say before. The words stuck in his throat, though he had them on the tip of his tongue. Nervously he was clutching and rumpling in his hands a fragment of the bedding on which he was sitting.

"That you what?" First crouched in front of him, placing his hands on his knees and looking into his eyes. "Don't be afraid, you can tell me. I'm your brother and I will support you no matter what. You are always my support, if there's anything I can do for you, just tell me and I'll try. so? What did you want to tell me?"

"That I have a boyfriend too..." He finally managed to choke out very quietly.

"Ouch! Well, we're both screwed in this house" First tried to lighten the heavy atmosphere. "Listen to me carefully: whoever you like, whoever you want to be with, it's all your business. Who you are should only belong to you. You're not doing anything wrong, don't feel bad about yourself, if you like men, apparently the two of us have it in our genes."

"You say that to me, so why can't you say the same to yourself? You haven't done anything wrong either."

"Theoretically, I know, but... Anyway, it doesn't matter. Just promise me you won't argue with your parents. They're proud of you, don't let it slip away."

Fourth didn't quite understand why his brother was saying that, they both knew that the younger one could handle it no matter what. First sighed heavily, walked away from his brother and busied himself packing his favorite clothes. In a bag borrowed from Fourth, he packed a laptop and a camera, two books on Formula 1. The green, large headphones, on which he listened to music so often, were slung around his neck.

His room, although large, was filled not only with his belongings, but also with objects belonging to their parents, books of various categories, models of sports cars, including those from races such as the 24 Hours of LeMans and Formula 1. The window sill was covered with flowers that began to wither because First couldn't care for them properly. The dark floor was covered with a gray, rough carpet. And the wooden, high bed was covered with sheets with red roses.

First had never felt at home here, and it was with some relief that he left the place.