July 7th
11:24AM

Of course the peacefulness can only last so long [especially when you have a mother like mine.] And the peacefulness didn't last long enough for my liking this morning.

After quietly tiptoing downstairs I began to make myself some breakfast- French Toast with all the fixings.

Nothing is better than French Toast for breakfast, especially how I make it. Of course I can't tell you though. Let's just call it a.. personal recipe.

After my food was prepared to perfection, I turned off the stove and walked outside to take a seat on the back deck. It was around 7 or so when the sun decided to peek out from behind the clouds, not hesitating in the least to warm the day right up.

I was enjoying myself quite a bit, just listening to the birds chirping as they awoke and the breeze blowing through the treetops. I sighed, content.

"Willow?"

I grit my teeth upon hearing her voice.

"Willow, honey?"

Without turning around I replied, "Yes?" as politely as I could manage.

"Hi, sweetie. You're up early. I'm making coffee, would you like some?" Her voice sounded like a chirpy whisper.

I shook my head no.

She stayed quiet for a moment and when I turned around to see if she had gone, I was surprised to see her still standing behind me at the screen door.

A small smile spread onto her lips, "Tea?" she asked.

"Sure," I muttered, standing up from my cushioned deck chair to follow her inside.

She spun on her heel, walking back inside the kitchen. Her high heels clacking with each precise step.

"Hot, please." I handed her two mugs from the cabinet.

As I watched my mother prepare the drinks, my mind was blank and that's exactly how I needed it to be. How I wanted it to be. I didn't want to think. I don't want to think.

I'm still beyond upset with my mother, for what she allowed and the insult she spat in my face the other night about being "irresponsible."

Ha. She doesn't even know the meaning of the word.

I'm irresponsible? Because I go out late at night to enjoy my summer break? And not only my summer break, but my summer break after graduating!

You'd think she'd be happy that I'm even here. She's lucky I'm here, instead of in Ireland.

She's the one who practically begged me to be here.

Okay, so really, it was my father who asked for me to spend the summer at home. He explained why, he told me everything about how her illness had worsened after she went off her meds.

I just can't believe him; she's still the same mom she was when I left four years ago. Nothing seems to have changed.

How am I supposed to believe and accept an illness my mother -supposedly- has if she doesn't act ill?

Am I being unfair to her?

***

12:17PM

No. I've taken some time to actually consider that question, and no, I don't really think so.

Not after she gave me up to her brother, ugh. I can look past her calling me irresponsible, but... what she allowed her brother to do to me...

No.

I can't forgive her for that.