Amelia's POV

"Hey are you okay?" Jenny asks me.

"I- I don't know." I tell him, moving my hands together. "I'm just a bit cold."

"Cold?!" She exclaims. "You are standing in a hotel kitchen, next to a stove and you are cold?!"

It was true. Usually in the kitchen I was dying of heat from the stoves and the movement but now, I couldn't get close enough to get this chill off. It was odd though- the feeling was as if my hands were the source of all of it. The cold traveled through me, leaving goosebumps. But no matter where I was, the feeling stayed. Nothing was helping.

"Yes." I tell her. "And I don't appreciate the sarcasm. I get enough of that from my three year old.

She laughs at me. "She's such a spunk."

"She's my spunk though." I say, remembering my little Nova. Looking at the clock I realize I am off in about five minutes. I go to clean up the rest of my station, saying goodbye to Jenny. After I was done with my rooms, I put my uniform in my locker and head home.

The subway ride is packed at rush hour. When they called for my track, hundreds of tourists begin to run. They push past people to get on or else they'd have to wait for the next one to come around. Me being smart, I go to the track before the chaos starts. I always get a seat near the door. That way, I don't get stuck waiting for other people.

First stop is mine. I get out and walk home. When I open the door, Nova runs up to me.

"Mommy!" Her little arms wrapped around me, squeezing me as tight as she can. "Look what I made for you." She holds up a drawing and I'm not really sure what it is. It mainly consists of blue and purple stripes of paint- her two favorite colors at the moment.

"What is a baby?"

"A zebra." She says in a voice as if it was obvious. I still really don't see it but I smile and tell her I do.

"I love it, thank you. I will put it in the fridge." Standing up, I hang it on the fridge among a few other pictures she's made.

"Amelia dear." Mrs. Wilson comes from around the corner. "I was using your restroom. How was work?"

"Good." I tell her. "I met this guy though. Kinda-?" I search for words.

"Cute? Creepy?"

I nod my head slowly. "Both I think. Gave me a $50 tip though."

She puts her hand on her heart. "Oh good lord if he's got the money to give out, give him my number."

I laugh. "If he's there tomorrow I will."

Mrs. Wilson leaves and I ask Nova what she wants for dinner. She tells me she wants a candy bar and I tell her no. She gives me a pouty face.

"Honey, I love you but you're not getting a candy bar for dinner."

"Ugh!" She stomps her foot. "Mrs. Wilson would have given me a candy bar."

"I doubt that." I chuckle at her mini tantrum.

"Uh huh." She wiggles her little body being the sassy thing she is.

"Oh really? Let me just call and ask-"

"No!" She yells. "I changed my mind. I want pancakes."

I smirk and tell her it isn't okay to lie. She nods her head and I tell her she can have pancakes for dinner if she eats either an apple or banana with it. She tells me apple. I tell her to grab a chair from our small table so she can help me make some pancake mix. While she does that, I grab our ingredients.

In the end, I only have a small amount of flour on me while her once blue unicorn shirt is now white. Maybe for Christmas I'd get her an apron. While I turn on the stove, I ask Nova to change play while mommy cooks. The one thing about Nova was that she understood that the stove was hot. When she was two, I asked her to not go by the stove. I was making soup and I had to go to the bathroom. Before I could even sit down, I heard her scream. She got second degree burns on her palm from touching it- giving her a big blister. The doctors gave her cream and a wrap to wear around her hand so she wouldn't pick at it. Now when I ask her to leave the kitchen, she does without question. And thankfully, only a small part of her skin scared where most of the pressure was. Doctors said that it would most likely fade over time though.

I pour the pancakes and make a couple eggs. We end up running out of them so I make a note on a sticky note before putting it on the fridge. I'd get some tomorrow when I went to the grocery store. When they are done, I cut up two apples- one for her and the other for me. I put her plate on the table and call her back over.

Nova was a good enough eater that she loved food so much that it wasn't hard to switch her from a high-chair to the table. She was too focused on food. But she was still messy, so she needed a bib, especially with syrup.

"This is the yummiest ever!" She tells me, taking another bite. I just laugh at her. My little girl was growing up and I could barely stand it. I wonder what Jordan would have thought of her. He'd have loved her of course but, just to see them with one another was only a dream. I shake the image of them out of my head. This was all I needed- her and our simple life.

-     -     -

2011

The high school bell rings and I go to pack up my things. My teacher tells me that I can't leave until she hands out the homework.

"The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do!"

No, the fúcking bell dismisses us so I can run around the school in three minutes to get to my next class.

When she hands me my paper, I thank her before shoving it into my folder and running out the door. My school was average- about 250 kids every graduating class. Unfortunately, I was only a junior- I would kill to get out of here faster. Not really but, you get it.

I was tall for a girl so I didn't get swallowed by the crowds. Being tall has its perks. I could ride all the rides at the amusement park, I didn't get confused with being a small child and I could reach the top shelf. My mom is small so when we go shopping, I'm the one to grab her Special K cereal from the top.

"Oof" I let out as my body collides with another. I feel things falling and I watch as their supplies fall to the ground. "Let me help."

I look up to see the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. His brown eyes capture me in, hooked. Like a total idiot, I watch his face until I realize I am staring at him. I apologize and he laughs, line. He asks my name. I tell him Amelia. As I hand over his things he thanks me

"Thanks Amelia."

Sinker.

"Wait!" I call after him and he turns around. Shít I said that out loud. "Um, I think you're cute."

"I think you're cute too." He says and the second bell goes. I'm officially late for class but I stay in the hall with him.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Jordan."

"I'm Amelia."

"I know."

I open my mouth but, I close it back up- too embarrassed.

"You're almost too cute when you blush." He tells me and I'm sure my entire face is red. "Are you new?"

"No, I'm a junior."

"Oh. I'm a senior." He tells me. "Odd, I've never seen you before."

"Big school, lots of people." I shrug my shoulders. I look around, realizing we are the only ones in the hall. "Look, I'm late for class-"

"Skip with me," he interrupts me. I'm not sure though- yeah I've skipped a few times before but, I didn't know this kid. All I know is his names. "I really want to get to know you."

So I nod. He smiles and he gives me his hand. Maybe it was weird for most people but, when I grabbed his hand it felt as if they belonged. Nothing seemed dangerous and strange about going with him.

We go into a designated study room. No one was inside luckily. He pulled out a seat for me and himself.

"So..." I purse my lips, looking around the room. "How are you?"

"Good, good." He tells me. "You?"

"Well." I tell him. "I really don't know where to start." My nerves increased and suddenly, I was sweating.

"Have you never talked to someone before?" He jokes.

"If we're being honest," I start. "My last relationship was in 6th grade with Vincent Mendez. We went on two dates, kissed once and I ran from him afterwards."

He laughs at me- not just a chuckle but he laughs. It's so loud and obnoxious that I attempt to hush him. I was more afraid to get caught than upset at him laughing. He tries to calm down and I find myself laughing too.

"Girl, the only thing I can think about is Mendez. I played basketball with the kid last year. I wish I could have seen his face."

"I wish I could tell you what it was like but, I was going in the opposite direction." I giggle. "Embarrassing right?"

"What?"

I sigh, "I don't know. You're like the first guy to act like he's interested in me. We live in a place where there are millions of people our age right next door. And here I am."

He scoots a bit closer, "Well if it means anything, I think here is a good place to be." His face is close to mine. If I wanted too I could reach over and kiss him. His breath fans me and I close my eyes, waiting. "I'm not going to kiss you today Amelia. I'm going to wait until we go out on a date. And after that date, I still won't. I'll wait until I know you feel like I feel right now and tell me you want a second date. That will be the day I kiss you."

I take a deep breath in, opening my eyes. He's sitting back now, eyes telling me that every word he's just said is true.

"Thank you."

He nods.

"Um, then tell me about yourself?" I try to start a conversation.

"I moved here when I was seven. Before then I lived in Tampa. My mom got a job opportunity in the city and it paid a lot better than his desk job. I play basketball but, I'm shít at it. I really just do it because I want to be a pilot and I need to look like I care about school activities."

"Family?" I grow more curious about him.

"I've got parents, still married. I'm adopted. My mom died in childbirth and my dad couldn't take care of me. He decided that the best thing he could do for me is send me to parents who could.

"Oh I'm so sorry." I tell him, leaning in closer to him.

"Don't be! I love my parents. They are amazing and so is my biological dad. I mean, he knew he couldn't do it and instead of giving me a childhood of suffering he gave me to two people who could give me the best childhood. I have two older siblings too. We're all adopted. Quinn's parents were drug addicted, Thomas was abandoned. My parents couldn't have children of their own."

"That's amazing though. They seem like great people."

"They are." He smiles to himself, thinking about them as we speak. I wished I had something like that. "What about you?"

-     -     -

2018

His birthday is always the hardest. Every year, I ask for the night shift. That way I can't cry myself to sleep or listen to Nova talk about her father all day. She is still too little to understand what happened.

"When is daddy coming home?"

"Does daddy know where we are?"

"I miss daddy."

All I can do is hold her and tell her I miss him too. Him leaving was the worst possible thing that I have ever endured. My life has never been easy and he made everything look flawless. I used to want to hate him. I hate that I can't hate him. That I didn't love him anymore and that I wasn't missing him. But, I do every goddamn day and everyday that goes by kills me more and more. If it wasn't for my daughter, I think eventually death would find me. I've thought about it once or twice- if I did just die. If I walked straight into traffic, if I took every pill in this house before laying down in the bath full of water. I felt like that a lot when Nova was first born. I didn't feel like a mother to her. I was raising her in a broken home. But I knew that when I looked at her, looking like him that I could never do it. Maybe our home could be broken but, it would always be ours.

The day starts off with Nova and I going to a bakery across the street. We eat a cupcake for breakfast and whatever fruit is available. She can't just run on junk. Afterwards we visit his grave. We spend about an hour there- Nova is too impatient to stay any longer.

When the taxi drops us off at the cemetery, he tells us it's on him. I thank him and still give him a tip. We walk to the end of the plot where he lays alone. I wanted no one near him. I don't know why but maybe it was because others are reckless and I never wanted anything to happen to his resting place. He never left anything- not a will or a thought of what he wanted his family to do with the body. Jordan was buried in a large plot- eventually meant for his parents who bought it years ago in case anything had ever happened to one another. They never expected something like this to happen to their son.

"Hi Jordan." I tell the stone.

"Hi daddy." Nova wiggles in her standing position. I laugh at her.

"Nova is three. She's so big." I tell him, sitting down. I always bring a bag of books and toys with me to keep her entertained. She finds a coloring book and begins a page.

"You've missed so much." I speak. I look at the stone but it isn't what I want to see. Tears cloud my eyes and when I sniffle, Nova turns.

She climbs onto my lap. "You sad?"

"Yes baby."

"Cause daddy dead?" Her words are abrupt but then again, she is three. I can't scold her for such words.

"Yes, cause daddy lives in heaven." I remind her to use words without telling her exactly what to say. Nova hugs me tighter.

We sit like that for a while. I begin to play with her hair and of course, she begins playing with mine. I decide that I can't be here anymore or else I will make a scene in front of her. I call a cab and wait. When they do arrive, they are silent. No one is going to ask 'how are you' when you are coming from a cemetary. Nova strikes up a conversation with the taxi lady and they talk about how she has a son in kindergarten. It reminds me that I have to sign Nova up for Head Start (preschool) before the new school year begins. I have to be one of the first people or else, we won't get in. Head Start is a free program so I don't have to worry about cost. Most other places in the city are way more than I could afford.

When the woman drops us off at our apartment, I grab Nova and head back upstairs. I put on a kids show before going into my bedroom. In my closet is a few of Jordan's shirts- my favorites. I pick up his college sweatshirt and put it on. The smell of his cologne has long faded but it still comforts me. I go onto the bed, crawl into a ball and cry.

I hate that I can't hate him because he will never come back.