Title: Backstory

Shinichi had finally gotten his body back.

It was hard to have the guts to tell Ran everything and how his feelings had changed for her. She had been awfully quiet while he explained, head down staring blankly at the ground beneath her feet. When he had finished, she just looked up with so many emotions in her eyes than she had had the entire time he talked. She muttered out a small "me too" as she told him that she had lost her romantic feelings for him, replaced with family love. How she'd been suspicious of him but he had always redirected her to the start, keeping her in the dark, like she was some fool, some toy. Hitting on his chest as she burst into tears.

He just stood there, head tilted down in shame, unable to do anything to provide comfort to her except for this. After that she just walked away, no other word said. He wanted to call out to her. Wanted to. Tried to. But he couldn't. His feet wouldn't budge from where he'd been standing, loosely holding the crying girl in his arms. His best friend. His former best friend and crush. His voice didn't leave his mouth, couldn't come out of his mouth. So he just watched her, watched her go ahead and leave him behind.

The world left him behind, everyone he lied to, gone. Sure, he could tell his parents to come home, but he hadn't felt like he wanted to be around them,  or anybody for that matter. Everybody else went ahead with their lives while he desperately tried to make up for his lost years, desperately tried to catch up to them, to everyone. The kids in his classes, his friends at school, club, or class it may be, they all kept going while he was stuck doing assignments worth two years in one and trying not to be left behind. But he already was.

He somehow managed to complete his assignments for the time he had missed at school. Ran ignored him. Sonoko glared daggers at him. His teacher demanded assignments done. He had to actively avoid cases, only getting involved when it was either extremely important or time-sensitive. He had to set alarms that would remind him to have breakfast and dinner or go to Agasa's to have lunch. Haibara always shot him concerned looks and glances when she thought he wasn't listening or watching. But he always felt it. He always gets it. Felt the worry behind those glances by Agasa and Haibara. It made him sick. Made him want to bolt for the door. Made him want to, want to! Die... It made him think that maybe he was better off as Conan.

People missed Conan, nobody had missed him, Kudo Shinichi. The worry made him feel bad and guilty since he was the one causing it. Even though Ran wouldn't come near him or even look him in the eye, he sometimes felt her glare behind his head, but soon the glare started becoming concerned looks because of how pale he always looked, how sad, how empty he always looked. He tried to get enough sleep when Haibara insisted on it. He agreed and obeyed. She was one of the only people who accepted him. He didn't want to make her mad or upset or, or... she might leave him too. Agasa's or his parents might leave him too. He tried telling himself that no, they wouldn't do that but he was never sure. And his parents, if you can even call them that, they didn't bother to show up when he got his body back, not until two weeks later at least, and even when they showed up it was only to lecture him, congratulate him, run away from his dad's editors and then vanish in thin air a few days later with no goodbye. It had hurt. A lot.

The house was so empty. He had never been bothered before by how empty and hollow his house, how dead it was but after such a long while of always having people living with him, it hit him like a brick how lonely his life was, how lonely Shinichi's life was. He sometimes wondered that if people would notice if he went missing again. They didn't notice the last time. At first, he had been glad that most people didn't notice or care that Kudo Shinichi, detective, had gone missing or almost completely out of the spotlight for what, like, 2 years?

People would notice if Conan Edogawa didn't show up. They would care if Conan Edogawa didn't show up. They would search for Conan Edogawa, not Shinichi Kudo. And the realization that his fake, alternate identity had more friends and people who care about him and would worry for him, people who loved him, was what always sent Shinichi spiraling down in self-doubt thinking if it'd been better if would've just stayed as Conan and not come back, it would've saved Ran's suffering even though he was already hurting her enough, or maybe he should've just left for America, or just been better off dead! If only the APTX-4869 hadn't shrunk him, would've killed him, but at least his corpse would've been found, saving everyone from danger and suffering only opting them misery to grovel after his death and then move on.

He shouldn't even be thinking of this! if he wouldn't have survived then what would've happened to Haibara or who would've stopped the organization from hurting and ruining the innocent lives of people who had no idea who or what these men in black clothing were or were doing, planning everyone's ultimate doom.

So no, he doesn't regret what he'd done to tail those people down and leave them binded in the hands of justice. He'll never regret that. The only thing he regrets is all the lies, deceit, misery, hiding and danger he'd put on those who were dear to him and all that had broken the trust they put in him.
And now, he was left standing behind and alone in the darkness and the cold hallways of his home, if he could even call this place home! Home was supposed to be warm and make you feel welcome, not make you want to rip out your hair, nail of your skin, it didn't make you burst into random bouts of crying and outbursts of anger and guilt every morning when you look into the mirror and want to punch it until it shatters and your knuckles draw blood. No. He was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be like that.

The Mouri detective Agency didn't make him feel that, a place he had started to think of home where there would be the loving faces of his dear one with warm meals and a bed or futon you can sleep on to wake up the next morning knowing that there would be breakfast waiting for him when he stepped foot downstairs. Now all that ever awaited him was the silence, the oh so god-forbidden silence. But it was fine. He deserved it. Everything was fine. He was fine.

Every day was the beginning of a new hell. It didn't get better for the first few months. His eye bags and general tiredness of life that reflected in his eyes that were once shining with liveliness sometimes made the teachers recoil and take pity on him, allowing him to submit late a few times. He was skinny. He knew that.

He had tried to gain more weight but the constant stress and lack of sleep kept getting to him. It didn't help that he often forgot to eat. Haibara had scolded him about it but it technically wasn't his fault for forgetting since he had lots of stuff to do and so less time! Food is for the weak! The wicked need no sleep! is also something he had been telling himself... Well, it didn't really make things all that easier but at least it provided somewhat lopsided humor in his life.

But things were getting better now, albeit slowly. KID had, for some reason, decided to keep showing up in his house 2-3 months after his return, apparently to keep him company and that he missed his Meitantei.

Shinichi doubted the reason that the moonlight thief had given him but he was ready to set for any friendly and familiar company other than Agasa and Haibara, not that he didn't like their company but he didn't want to be a bigger burden than he already was by being so depressed and lonely after returning to his life as Shinichi.

KID showed up when Shinichi couldn't sleep, KID showed up whenever Shinichi forgot to eat, KID showed up whenever Shinichi got too depressed and started thinking of cu-

Shinichi sometimes wondered absentmindedly if KID had set up cameras in his house. Who was he kidding? It was KID, of course, the guy would've done something like that. It made sense. He never really bothered looking for the bugs but he was pretty sure that somewhere in this house was a big stock of chocolate and sugar-coated sweets just lying somewhere as the thief's personal secret stash in Shinichi's house.

KID had played a huge role in helping him slowly get well again, mentally and physically. KID encouraged him to sometimes call his parents, encouraged him in reaching out to Ran again when they were sure she wouldn't want to rip his guts out. It had been awkward at first as if complete strangers had taken over their bodies, the people who used to be so close to each other. After a few visits and reach outs after Ran didn't show up or ran away at the sight of him, he was one day very pleasantly surprised to Ran waiting for him outside the school gates.

Over time, things got better but he noticed one thing that he hadn't been able to notice before because of being stuck in his own head. KID's smiles were mostly all fake and even though he visited a lot, he was growing more distant and the number of heists had started to increase. KID's visits became uneven, sometimes he would visit almost regularly, and sometimes he would just vanish...

The number of shootings and targeting at KID's heists was becoming a regular thing now. The last time the thief had just vanished without even a trace of him left in Shinichi's house, it had left a bad feeling in Shinichi's gut. The magician had pulled off 3 heists in a row and got lethally shot, coming to his house bleeding out. Shinichi did as best as he could for the other and when he got to know that the latter was going to send out another heist note that night, he whacked him on the head!

The magician had seemed so pale as well. The sleuth knew that the latter was sick and going through a lot, even if he didn't admit it.

Shinichi was doubtful. And concerned, very concerned... That is why when he got another feelimg in his gut which set his detective alarms going off, he didn't hesitate to throw on his shoes and scram hurriedly to where the heist was being held!