Probably gonna delete some of the stuff in this chapter—

Trigger Warning::
In detail description of how I feel while having a panic attack and overall talk of panic attacks...

Please if this kind of thing makes you upset or triggers you in anyway, please don't read on. It's totally fine if you don't read. Overall it's just me complaining and whining-

So like,, I've found it helps me calm myself down a bit if I doodle and write down what I feel before i have a panic attack?
It's annoying it took like,, nearly 3 years of having severe panic attacks to know this -.-
But yeah-
So like,, i know imma bout to go into a panic attack and honestly that alone makes me more anxious?
For those who are confused, it's like...seeing a big ride that you wanted to kinda go on at a theme park but then as you slowly get to the place where you get on, you get a sick kind of put in your stomach?
It's like that-
And it just really sucks???
My panic attacks have been getting progressively worse and worse, which adds to the anxiety about having the panic attack-
So in my head if I just text like my life depends on it, it'll postpone it?
I know it won't-
But the severe panic attacks make me feel as if I'm like,, drowning?
Like it hurts to breath because of the hyperventilating...And then I have like a self esteem level of -500 which annoys honestly everyone. Since Y'know I'm already pretty low on self-esteem.
And I know the panic attack will only last like 15-20 mins at most it just- I get in a really bad way,, like bAD,,
Because like,, for school as an example, people at school who see me having a panic attack, they'll ask if I want them to stay with me or if I want a hug. And I'll just shake my head as a no really quickly,, but as soon as they go I start crying more because I DO want a hug,, or just like,, some kind of comfort? But if someone does touch my shoulder or hug me or something, it makes everything worse!
And I just,, I can't win.
And then I go back to class or something and either get whispered about or stared at. Or even worse. I get treated differently because now people act like I'm a baby who can't do anything right-
Which just annoys me mOrE-

Ye- this is what the doodle is-
My hand was shaky so it's not the cleanest? But I tried-

So-

Yeah.....
That was a lot. Sorry.
I'm gonna go now-
Since like, ya know.
Anxiety and stuff....
See ya later I guess