This is more of a chapter where im just gonna let my thoughts flow so it might be confusing out of context at some moments but i think it'll help me organize my thoughts.
  Vestibular (the college entry test here in Brazil) is kind of a funny thing. For one it does test a person's skill on answering many questions in a short time span and their knowledge on certain subjects. But god is it a messed up process.
My girlfriend (yes girlfriend ill get to that later) just texted like an hour ago while she was sort of in the middle of an anxiety attack. She was supposed to be a sleep a while back but the poor girl was just so damn worried about the test. The test literally pressures people into a system that just destroys a person from the inside out. I have never met a more talented, kind and smart person like her and she was doubting her capabilities. It made me so sad to see her so damn broken by a test that is just so damn unfair. She puts her everything into what she does and she really studied a lot this year, i saw it with my own eyes. Hell, getting into the second fase of testing proves how amazing she is! I made sure to tell her all of this because man it makes me so damn sad to see her so broken.
I see myself a lot in her in that sense. I can see especially my younger self in her, a person who really wanted to please people and who felt like a failure when something didn't go the way they planed. I still suffer from those things but I've learned to deal with them head on. I know how to navigate life with my anxiety and it no longer always always always controls my life like it used to. But the unfortunate thing is that she seems to not know how to navigate that yet. Even with therapy and such i can see she very much has trouble expressing herself and knowing how to navigate her feelings and thoughts.
I'm so glad i have some experience and such to help her with this because I remember feeling so alone when i was younger, staying up wishing it would end but not knowing where to go from there. I can feel a certain hopelessness that comes from her as well but i can change that. I want to help show her the way. I want to so badly just show her that it isn't the way she sees it and that its ok to mess up, you still have more chances even if it seems like you don't. She has such a bright future and i just want to be there with her through all of it.
I still have a lot to learn about her. We talked about how it's like she has a lot stuffed under a rug. The things stuffed in are painful memories and emotions that she simply ignored so that she could put on an image for others. She's a huge people pleaser and i just want her to understand that it doesn't have to be that way, and i can tell she is starting to get that. Once the test this weekend is done she can open up everything to me and we can go one by one healing the open wounds that were left behind, trying to be covered by a rug that was about to explode.
I realize that she means a lot more to me than just a partner. I want to leave a "mark" on her that changes the way she sees things for the better. If lets say tomorrow we break up all of a sudden. Im gonna be sad that we're done of course, but im not gonna ever regret diving into the relationship even though i knew that an end was a huge possibility, as long as i can show her that she can be herself. I want to be more than just her girlfriend, i want to be almost like a learning experience, or maybe even a mirror in a sense. I want to show her all of the weak points that she tries to hide that can be healed if cared for properly. If i can do that and we still end up breaking up, i would be more than overjoyed to see her finally spread her beautiful wings and soar.
Im not exactly sure how long me and her will last, but i know one thing for sure now is that i want to help change the world this way, helping people heal from those wounds. I think the reason why i feel so connected to her is because of that feeling that i want to take care of her, i want to help her in such a deep and meaningful connection type of way. Even though it has only been idk a week? (Just checked and yeah it has been a week) it still feels like its been such a long time that we have known each other because we've been taking the time to learn everything about one another and such. I hope that it will continue this way for a while, or maybe forever.

Day: December 16th, 2023, Sunday
Time posted:  1:34 AM