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NB! This chapter may be a trigger for those struggling with mental issues. Tread carefully.

Chapter 51

Bai Yuwen Hong
Bai Shen Hong
Emperor Huizhong

Yuwen Wong woke up to his blood wildly racing, his pulse erratic as if his vessels would burst. He was trying to take deep breaths but no air was reaching his lungs.

Deep breaths, deep breaths. He willed himself to calm down. It couldn't be denied, he was in the midst of a panic attack and riding the tidal wave of spiraling.

A low throbbing pain rang in his head. It felt like ice ebbed permanently on his skull with no intention of going away.

He painfully sat up in the darkness of his sleeping room. His silk sleeping wear clung to his body, wet as if a bucket of water had been splashed onto his body.

His hands clenched into fists as he took deep controlled breaths. He knew the drill, these episodes were not his first. The demons were weaving the same war he fought when his father died.

He began to lie to his brain, coaxing it with the illusion that all was well. Li Lian was still by his side and no betrayal had taken place. The nightmare of her treason was just a dream and she was sleeping in the Phoenix palace.

It took a while but he finally calmed down.

Tiredly, he groaned. All he remembered was his heartbroken self drowning in alcohol till he passed out the previous day. He did no work but hid himself from the world from the afternoon of his wedding day, through the next day, until now, the morning he woke up.

It was for a few minutes that he relaxed into his bed, peacefully, before the dark clouds crept and settled over him with no intention of clearing.

Depression rang in his ears, twisted around his heart and coiled around his neck. Smokes of anxiety blurred his reasoning and swallowed up his sanity. Slowly, he was losing the Yuwen Hong he knew.

Li Lian betrayed him. He fell in love, slept with and married a person from the nation that killed his father.

He breathed out to ease the tension knotted in his stomach, but nothing left him. After meeting Li Lian, he became a free person from such gloom, thus her absence has opened the door of his return to the inner-dungeon of imprisonment.

It was better to be in a physical dungeon, at least that he could escape if he tried, however, he couldn't run away from the dungeon within. It was one with his identity and he couldn't run from himself, could he?

He did not know where to start when thinking of Li Lian. Should he be angry with himself? After all, he chased her and sought her out, ignoring to see sense when he still had the chance. Should he be angry with her? She broke all the simple principles of love. She failed to communicate, to trust and to be honest.

What was to come, he knew the journey all too well. There would be times he felt he loved her and he couldn't survive without her, then a time he despised and wanted her dead. He was going to want her back, yet the next minute he would feel uttermost bitterness and resentment.

He took out his legs from the blankets so he could sit on the bed with his feet on the floor.

"Eunuch Nam?"

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"What time is it?" The room was dark, the outside dark. And so was he, within.

"Replying to His Majesty. It is the hour of the tiger (3am to 5am)."

"All right, go and call the Minister of Criminal Law for me. I will see him in my library."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Yuwen Hong drank and slept all of yesterday, however, duties still awaited him. Although a day was not enough to heal, that was all he could afford. The court was in chaos and Yang Liu was not yet home.

Furia... Furia had his sister and he had Furia's princess.

He almost thought about it, but dismissed it as soon as possible. No way there would be a switch. Li Lian was his and he was not giving her up. He was going to get back his sister, plus keep Li Lian.

He would deal with her as he saw fit as punishment. Li Lian used him, so she was his for him to do anything he wanted with. Furia was not going to take that away from him.

Yuwen Hong looked up to find Eunuch Nam's darkened figure still standing before him. He just sent him on an errand, why was he still there?

"Eunuch Nam?"

"Your Majesty."

"What is the problem?"

"This servant is not sure whether to tell you something."

Yuwen Hong almost irritably said, "Then do not tell me." However, he swallowed that up. He wanted to start the day on a low note, otherwise by the end of the day he would lose it.

"What is it?"

"Princess Cai Wenjin, they have failed to put her to sleep. She is still awake."

He groaned as he ran his hand through his long straight hair. He still had a daughter and he forgot. Not only as an emperor and lover, he was failing as a father as well.

Yuwen Hong decreed Cai Wenjin to be the adopted daughter of Noble Consort Qi, look at how that turned out. Worst possible scenario took place.

His earlier assumption had been to give Cai Wenjin to Li Lian after issuing Noble Consort Qi's punishment of death. Li Lian and his daughter had a good relationship. However, now that things were like this, Cai Wenjin was left with no one.

His grandmother was sickly lately and she could not take on that duty. His mother was a different story, she straight out did not like Cai Wenjin enough to take on the role of parenting. The only person left was the Dowager Empress Wang, who was a castaway in the Cold Palace.

It was not an option to free the Dowager Empress. The phoenix seat was empty and she would interfere with his plans and vye to seat a woman from her clan on it. He had no energy to deal with her and his grandmother concerning that.

Another problem was the Inner Court. There was no one to take leadership while all the superior women were unavailable. Someone was needed to keep order and supervise.

He rubbed his eyes and exhaled. "Bring Cai Wenjin here and also summon the Minister of Rites for me."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Yuwen Hong got up and let his entourage take him to freshen up, so he would dress appropriately for the duties of the day. Normally, he woke up with the intention to train but in his state, he would commit murder if he held a sword.

The pain of losing Li Lian came in waves, ebbing pain in his chest visiting him a couple times within an hour. Anger would boil in his gut, shattering loss rattling his senses.

Overcoming pain consisted of his desire to hear everything shatter around him. He wanted to destroy everything around him. He wanted to destroy the buildings. All of his possessions. All of his servants ' possessions. He wanted to be surrounded by chaos and darkness like how he felt on the inside.

Sometimes there was no doubt he hated Li Lian and wanted her dead. He couldn't help imagining it. It was a little addictive.

He would twist her neck and break her into pieces, then after that, in the mindset of an aggrieved lover, he would use his sword to stab every part of himself until the pain he felt inside was nothing compared to the physical pain.

Or better yet, death would free him and he would feel no more.

Death.

He felt it creep on him as he laid beneath the waters in his bathing pool. It was peaceful and he knew he would love it. It was like sleeping for eternity. There would be no pain or sorrow, and the difficulties of love.

Yuwen Hong was disgruntled when his servants pulled him up and pumped water out of him until he was choking to breathe against the water leaving his chest.

The obsession of the after life started then, but the thought of leaving his mother and daughter alone, however, would blow off that flame for a while. Before it arose again.

Truth was nothing else other than death would forever numb him. Not time nor space. Nothing he did would fill the void that came from the pits of doom and gloom.

His library was his first destination after dressing up and drinking tea to dull his headache. He browsed over the reports that accumulated the previous day.

Low whispering had started among the servants, as they were worried for him. It would be no surprise his attempt at suicide as he bathed would reach the ears of his grandmother before the afternoon. It would be her excuse to peek her nose into matters that did not concern her.

Anything sent to him concerning Li Lian, among the reports, he tossed aside. He had no heart for it.

"Your Majesty, the Minister of Criminal Law has arrived."

"Let him in."

The middle-aged man he recently appointed entered and bowed.

"Sit," Yuwen Hong pointed to the chair behind his large table.

"Thank you to His Majesty."

"I will get straight to the point. What have you gathered after collecting the body of Noble Consort Qi."

The minister pulled out a neatly folded report from his sleeves. "This is what has been gathered so far," he placed it on the table, "we could not rightly conclude whether Noble Consort Qi stabbed herself or someone did it."

"How so?"

"Her Highness Qi died with her hands on the handle of the knife which dug into her heart. She could have been trying to remove the knife or she could be the person who did the stabbing."

"What about the circumstantial evidence?" Yuwen Hong pretended to care but this was at the bottom of the list of something he wanted to do. Just formalities to provide the grieving Qi Household with answers.

At the end of the day, Noble Consort Qi was to die. She was found out with another man, the case itself was worthy of death but he had postponed it for the sake of the wedding event.

The Mister went on. "It has been revealed by her entourage that Her Highness Qi was behind the scrolls presumed to expose the identity of Her Highness Wei. Noble Consort Qi sought out Her Highness Wei to let her know of this, thus explaining why they were in the dressing room together. However, it must also be considered that Noble Consort Qi was already suicidal because her lover was sentenced to exile and her household was displeased with her actions."

Yuwen Hong wondered how Noble Consort Qi had gathered the truth about Li Lian. And if she wanted to commit suicide, why in the dressing room of Li Lian? What would be her purpose for framing Li Lian? Overall, Noble Consort Qi was a lady of peace and this was beyond her character.

"The knife used for murder, who did it belong to?"

"Her Highness Wei, Your Majesty."

Yuwen Hong exhaled and held the bridge of his nose. At that point, the only person who would rule out whether it was a suicide was Li Lian. However, she had lied to him since they met, could she be trusted?

The next person to see him was the Minister of Rites.

"I want you to issue a decree for the Lu clan."

The Minister of Rites skillfully wove his inked brush on paper as he transcripted Yuwen Hong's words.

"Lady Ruo Xi must present herself to the Inner Court. Notify my grandmother of my intentions to give Lady Ruo Xi a senior title when the time is right, so my grandmother must try to educate her to lead the Inner Court well."

"If your servant may ask, Your Majesty."

"Go on."

"The Lu clan is of the South Wing. Also, the Wei clan that lied to His Majesty belonged to the South Wing, thus giving them power will not settle well with the other factions."

"I have noted that, however, I plan to execute three generations of the Wei clan for committing treason and this will render the South Wing even more powerless." It was better to give the South Wing a hand through Lady Lu, than helping the other factions who already had a lot of power. "My aim is to balance the power in the court. It will make ruling easier, as it would avoid having one side dominate other sides into submitting to their agendas."

On top of that, he could trust Ruo Xi. They had been friends for such a long time and she was going to have his interests at heart. Ruo Xi was a woman who stood by duty, honor and faithfulness.

After spending some more time in the library when the Minister of Rites left, Yuwen Hong went to his spare sleeping room to seek out his daughter. His hope was that after a change of scene, she was able to catch some sleep.

His wishes weren't granted. Princess Cai Wenjin was wide awake in her white sleeping garments, seating on her sleeping mattress.

"Princess," he called to her as he entered.

Her little eyes looked up to him and lit up, but tears instantly collected causing her mouth to quiver.

"Fuhuang," she cried as he took her into his arms and set on the mattress.

"Why are you crying?" He cuddled her.

"I'm afraid," she hiccuped on her tears and held on to him tightly.

"There is nothing to be afraid of." His throat was scratchy, his daughter's sadness tugging on his heart.

"Mother left, Noble Consort Qi left, and Her Highness Wei also left." She fisted her hands and tried to wipe her tears. All she did was spread them all over her face as there was a flood of them.

"In life, people will come and leave. That is all right." He felt shame that there was no constant in her life, except him. Obviously, it would have some kind of negative effect on her.

"Will you leave me too?" Her reddened solemn eyes looked up at him.

Feeling more grief-stricken than he already did, he squinted his eyes and embraced her so she wouldn't see him break.

"No, Princess, I will do my best to always be here." Yuwen Hong almost wallowed.

He couldn't stand living like this anymore, but nevertheless, they painfully had to get used to a new life without Li Lian and Noble Consort Qi. Life as it used to be had passed away. Never to be experienced.

S.V