Here's the reason why I started this. I made a mess. I have been battling anger issues for years now. I have the worst temper one can ever imagine. It usually manifests itself in the form of screaming, crying, and punching inanimate objects.

Contrary to popular belief, my forms of letting out my anger are damaging. So damaging that I regret it myself. I have said some horrible things, I've cussed and sworn. Every time I do this, I regret my actions, I move on and I do something stupid again. And this is how the cycle goes on.

But day before yesterday it was the absolute worst. I won't go into the finer details because it haunts me too. In a nutshell, out of frustration, anger, and disappointment, I damaged some property by slamming it against a table.  When everything calmed down I looked at the mess I made and I was sickened. I sat there zoned out, thinking of what a horrible person I've become. My parents were disappointed in me, I failed them.

Believe it or not, I'm a good person. I have stood up on multiple occasions against discrimination of all kinds. Racism, sexism, domestic violence, homophobia, transphobia, you name it. And I have participated in a Pride rally too. I treat everyone with kindness and respect. I'm an academic achiever, I scored 97% marks in my senior school board exams and  I cracked the national entrance exam in India for undergrad medicine and surgery. I'm a med student with a good academic and personality record. But when I get angry I become a completely different person. I become a demon I have no control over. And I don't even understand why I do this.

The property damage was a wake-up call. There are far worse things that people do in a fit of rage. That day I realized, I might actually end up there one day if I don't solve this. Hence this journal. Because I need both an exit and some help for my struggles. I want to remove this one bad quality of mine that pours water on all the good qualities I have.

Even though I am filled with fear and regret, I am full of hope too. I'm trying fervently since then to become a better person. I want to make my parents proud instead of having them dealing with my crap.

Concluding I would like to say, please do not make the mistakes I have made. Someone rightly said, "a moment of patience in a moment of anger saves a hundred moments of regret". I cannot come to terms with what I did. Also, please be kind to everyone. You never know what someone is going through.  Show people some love, you have no idea of how much they need it. Smile more, take care of your body and mind and build wonderful careers and relationships. You get only one life so live it for yourself.

Clarification: Neither am I suicidal and nor do I have any medical conditions that require psychiatric care. My maternal aunt is a doctor and she is my full-time counselor who takes care of my health problems. So please don't worry, I am receiving direct medical care. I have never felt like I should die or disappear or something along the lines. I wrote this only to unburden myself. Please if you can, share some advice on anger management and your experience with anger and short temper.