2/20/19

it's been a while since i posted day one but a lot of stuff has been happing in my life and, i'm not gonna lie i'm starting to go back into my depression i think. it's not good, i think the only reason i haven't gone as far as i did before is people if the people i have in my life right now. they notice that i'm very upset about everything that's been happening or they know what's been happening, so they get me out of my house or they call me or text me or just make sure i'm okay. if this stuff (which i'm going to explain in a minute) was to be happening to me back in middle school... i don't know if i'd be here right now. i'm not going to lie.

these last 2 weeks have been rough, very very rough for me. i lost one of my best friends over something so stupid. she wanted me to apologize for it but i didn't see why i needed to so we just ended our friendship there. i literally did EVERYTHING with her. i would take her home, take her to work, spend the night at her house, take her to my brothers sports games (cause he plays like all of them), i'd also tell her literally everything. that's all pretty much gone now. anytime i even look at her or try to talk to her she looks away from me or walks away or something. it's really sad. she even used stuff against me that made me have anxiety attacks and shit. again, thank god for my friends or i probably would've went insane and would still be crying about it.

that's only the first thing, the second thing is about my school musical. so, i'm a senior and it's my last year to do pretty much everything and anything before i go off to college. i was in my school musical last year, which was Wizard of Oz, and i tried out for this years, which is Cinderella. i wanted a bigger role so i made sure i practiced and did well on my audition. i'm also really close with one of the teachers that are putting it on. she's my choir teacher and i talk to her all the time and she's pretty much my favorite teacher. i thought i did pretty good on my singing and acting. well, when they put out the cast list last friday i saw that i got the role as The Duchess, so like i just assumed it was the princes mother right? well i was really happy about that part, until i was sitting in my fourth hour and looking for my lines in the script. now let me mention that i am one of the 8 main roles in this musical. my teacher told me that i was important and that i should trust her. when she told me that, i only knew about what my part name was. i hadn't looked at the script yet. come to find out, while looking at the script... my character doesn't exist. she's not listed in the cast list, i have no lines and i don't sing. I DO NOT EXIST. i was sooo pissed off snd confused is pretty sure i cried at least one day from friday to yesterday, so like last night. again, if it weren't for my friends checking on me i don't know if i'd be here cause i didn't want to get out of bed, i didn't want to talk to anybody, and i just wanted nothing to do with anything at all. there's also a lot more drama to this story, and let's just say a few of my friends overheard my teacher saying that she was closer with someone that does the same things i do and is 2 years younger than me. so because she's closer with this person, this person got a better part than me. she got an ugly stepsister. that really hurt me because this teacher is, again, my favorite.

there's another part to the musical story. so, i thought about it all weekend and i decided that i was going to talk to my choir teacher yesterday about my part. after class i went up to her and asked her like why don't i have lines and that i was just confused about the whole situation. she got so pissed off at me and just continuously told me to trust her. i already have trust issues, so when she said that it kinda made me feel worse. i asked the other teacher who is co-producing this with her and he told me that she was going to give me lines and stuff that day, cause we were doing a read through of the script after school with everybody there. well, let's time skip to then. i sit there for a whole 3 1/2 hours listening to everyone else get to say lines and listen to what everyone else gets to sing, and i didn't get told a single thing and i didn't get to say or sing anything. i was so upset, i dropped off my friend afterwards, sat at the town park for almost an hour, went home and cried. i don't understand what is happening and nobody is telling me anything. so i decided that i was going to stick it out for like a week or so and if they didn't give me anything and just put me with like the extras, i'm gonna quit and be part of the pit band.

here's some advice: if you don't think you deserve what you got in a musical or something like that, don't do it. especially if there's something that you can also do that will make you 10x happier.

that's what i'm going to do if i don't get what i think i deserve. i'll do pit band instead cause i've been playing my trumpet since i was 11 and i love it. i'd rather do something i love rather than doing something i feel like i'm being forced to do. if i'm being forced to do it then i'm not going to give it my all, and that's not what i want to do and it's not what the judicial deserves.

here's the last crappy thing. also about musical, sorry not sorry. so our performances were suppose to be the weekend of april 13th. well they want to try and push it back a few weekends so we have more time to practice and stuff. well i was talking to my mom about it earlier tonight about how i thought it might be the weekend of april 26th. well, if that's the case then there will be no musical for me at all. i'm going to see pink april 26th and then i'm going to indiana for the rest of the weekend. if it's that weekend i'm going to be very, highly upset.

well that's enough ranting, i feel kind better now that i have it all written down. i know i won't really get judged here like i have been by my parents. hopefully i'll be able to write something a little happier next time. ✌🏼