This is literally just me talking about miscellaneous shit so you can skip this part if you want I literally don't care I just want to collect my thoughts and write them down for once lmao

Alright so to start things off, I mentioned in the last part that I had a really weird dream and it's honestly basically gone from my memory at this point, even though I literally just had it last night

Basically, one of my friends was in the dream and some shit that I barely remember happened and they ended up drowning and it was all my fault and I felt like absolute shit

This is literally all I remember from the dream because I'm the kind of person that has dreams and almost immediately forgets them upon waking up

Also, I can't lucid dream and I'm really pissed about that because I read somewhere that gamers are more likely to be able to do this and I've literally been playing video games for as long as I can remember so like I should be able to do it but I can't because my mind sucks apparently

But anyway, this dream made me realize that I have a fear (I'm actually going to discuss my fears next so y'all better buckle up because some of them are weird/wouldn't make any sense unless you also have them) of accidentally killing my friends

Like I've seriously had dreams where I was driving a car and my friends were with me and we ended up getting into an accident and I was the only one who survived and stuff like that

I'm also afraid of my friends suddenly dying or leaving me because they're sick of me and don't want to talk to me anymore or having to leave them because they betrayed my trust or some shit like that because I've been fucked over by people so many times that I'm surprised that I've let the people that are currently my friends in, but I'm so glad that I did because y'all are amazing people and great friends like I'm so lucky to have all of you in my life and you're all the best <3

Anyway, onto my fears

One of my main fears are hospitals, doctors, surgeries, dentists, and needles

Basically, I'm afraid of pretty much anything medical related lol

But I'm only afraid of most medical things being done to me like I can watch a surgery on someone else perfectly fine because I do not care about seeing blood and guts whatsoever

Anyways, onto attempting to justify my fears

Hospitals- The smell is unpleasant and the fact that it's a place where life is given and taken away sometimes at the same time is unsettling to think about in my opinion. Plus... Well, saying this will spoil a recently realized fear that I will discuss very soon

Doctors- I don't like hospitals so of course I don't like doctors lol

Surgeries- One word: anesthesia. Getting it administered is absolute hell because IVs are fucking terrifying. I would know because I got some over the summer when I got my wisdom teeth out because there was no way in hell that I was going to get a giant fucking needle in my mouth and stay awake for that shit like fuck that (Words of advice: DO NOT GET THEM OUT UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THE PAIN IS FUCKING AWFUL AND YOU'RE FORCED TO CONSUME LIQUIDS UNTIL YOU CAN BRING YOURSELF TO EAT SOLID FOOD LIKE I SERIOUSLY LIVED OFF OF SMOOTHIES AND WATER AND CHOCOLATE MILK FOR LIKE THREE DAYS WHEN I GOT MINE AND I HAD TO CONSTANTLY HAVE ICE PACKS ON MY MOUTH BECAUSE IT HURT SO DAMN MUCH, EVEN THOUGH IT HARDLY EVEN HELPED AND YOU ALSO HAVE TO GARGLE SALT WATER TO CLEAN OUT THE SPOTS WHERE THE TEETH WERE AND IT'S SO GODDAMN NASTY)

Lol sorry about that I just had to get that off of my chest mostly because my the right side of my bottom lip and the right side of my chin went completely numb from the procedure and I'm salty as hell about it. Thankfully, it's FINALLY gotten a bit better. My chin is no longer numb, but the right side of my bottom lip is still a tiny bit numb, but it's nowhere near as bad as it's been for the past five months (Honestly can't believe it's been that long like holy shit) and that makes me so happy because I went to the dentist a couple of months back and asked them about it because I was absolutely fucking fed up with it at that point and they told me that it could take up to a year for it to completely heal so the fact that it's finally gotten better is a goddamn blessing

Anyway, one last thing that makes me afraid of surgeries is that there's always the possibility that someone could fuck up and this fuck up could cost you your life

So yeah, unless my life absolutely depends on it, I'm not getting surgery

Literally the only reason that I got my wisdom teeth out other than the fact that my mom forced me to is the fact that I was told that they were positioned so that when they would start growing, they would push on the other teeth next to them and eventually break those teeth and themselves as a result

I regret ever bringing up the fact that they hadn't started growing to the dentist that one time because they took an x-ray and literally said that they would have to come out and I was scared for months after that because I'm a very anxious person lmao

Dentists- The whole experience is uncomfortable and I hate it

That's literally all I got in an attempt to justify my fear lmao

Needles- I've been afraid of them all of my life so this is gonna be really hard to justify, but I'll try

First of all, the sight of one makes me scared shitless and they hurt going in and out, but that might be because I tense up whenever I have to have one inserted into my body because I'm so fucking afraid of them

Shit man that's literally all I got rip guess we're moving on

Oh yeah, before we do, having a fear of needles sucks when you really want a tattoo, but are physically unable to bring yourself to face your fear of needles to get one so I'll probably never get one because I just freak out and cry when I have to get a shot (Which lasts like five or less seconds) so how the hell am I going to be able to endure constantly being grazed by a needle for sometimes hours at a time

Fuck man I really want a fucking tattoo

They're so fucking beautiful and meaningful most of the time and God they're just fucking wonderful

But I'll probably never have one because I'm a weak ass bitch

Okay, now we're going to talk about the thing that I mentioned that I recently realized that I was afraid back when I was discussing why I'm afraid of hospitals

I'm afraid of catching any sort of disease/illness, even something as small as a cold

This fear is so bad that I absolutely despise being around sick people because I'm afraid of getting what they have, even if it isn't contagious and I feel really bad because people can't help being sick most of the time and here I am literally terrified of them because my mind has me convinced that if I spend even a tiny bit of time around them, I'm going to end up getting sick

Needless to say, I'm a huge baby when I'm sick because I hate being sick since it means that I have to miss school (Yeah, yeah, I'm a huge fucking nerd that hates missing school and needs perfect attendance and blah blah blah blah blah I've heard all already make fun of me all you fucking want I honestly don't give a shit) and have all this fucking make-up work and plus, being sick is just annoying and I'd rather not thanks though

So yeah, needless to say, I'm not going into the medical field lmao

Another one of my main fears is that I'm going to get stuck in a career that I absolutely despise and have to wake up and go to a job that I hate for the rest of my life

This is mostly because writing is really the only thing that I'm passionate about in terms of things that I could make a career out of like you have no idea how much I want to be an author but it's probably not going to happen because I'm not good enough to be one and I don't even think I would be able to get a book published and be somewhat successful and beloved because of that

I'm honestly desperately trying to find something else that I'm interested in that I could realistically make a career out of because I need realistic expectations for myself for once like I've spent my entire life having unrealistic expectations for myself I mean I wanted to be a singer until 8th fucking grade (So four years ago in my case) okay

But sadly, my time is quickly running out because I'm a senior in high school (12th grade) and I'm going to be graduating at the end of May so I need to have my shit together by then

So yeah, hopefully I'll figure something out by then

Okay, I was going to talk about more shit like how I need to be wearing makeup to not feel disgusting and ugly and how fucking frustrating it is to have to deal with my real dad trying to insert himself back into my life after all the shit he did while having to deal with constantly going back and forth to my mom's and my step-dad's house because they ended breaking up over a year ago at this point and also having to deal with them constantly talking shit about each other to me, but this part is quickly approaching 2,000 words and I've said way too fucking much already so I'm finally going to shut my mouth now

Nobody's probably read this, but if you did, thanks for listening. It's nice to just talk about stuff on your mind and have someone just sit back and listen.

I'm finally done rambling goodbye now