The song's from 13 reasons why(just love)

Neil's POV

I had to enter now. She needed me and I am going to stay by her whatever happens. I rubbed off my tears and tried all attempts to make myself look sane and not let the explosion inside me have an escape in my exterior. I did not want Avni to feel low. Never she needs to keep up her will power high. High enough to defeat this situation. I wanted her to know that nothing can snatch her away from me. I had got her by chance I agree maybe because of some hope in my stars but now I just need to have enough fortune to keep her by me. If fortune does not favour then I am going to curb it.

The door creaked as my trembling fingers opened the door. I heard the beeps which signalled that my love had her life entwined with those heart beats. The same beats which used to knock the air out of mr,Those heart beats which kept my heart interlaced with it. I looked at Avni. She was sleeping without a care. I gulped my tear. My throat ached trying to carry the burden of my tears. Her wasted form draped against the blanket with various needles sucking the life, enthusiasm and all the positivity and brightness off her. I sat down next to her. I took her hand in mine. I wanted to feel her tightening her hold so I knew that even she needed me maybe not as bad as I wanted her but atleast a little. I breathed out deeply. I looked at her beautiful face. The beautiful memories of our life came flooding before me. The arrogance, ego flowing through me which just ignited some passion. Our smallest of moment that had engraved deeply within the slate of my heart. I freaking love her. I was looking down all the time. I wish I would just get up to find that this is a nightmare. A nightmare that had distorted my life that makes me shiver but atleast having the relief that I could wake up and shoo this away as a NIGHTMARE. But when your monsters itself takes the shape of reality and stands in front of you like never before, the pain of all the wounds that life had ever cut on your heart just start to become fresh. I was finding it difficult to breathe to accept the truth our lives. How in a matter of few hours, our entire world came tumbling down. All the dreams, aspirations believes on which our foundation of love stood on just started to rock. The small ambitions including a beautiful happy family just never gets the name of "truth". Its always fake like it was never meant to be. I suddenly sensed some movement. I felt like her fingers clutched onto mine lightly. I looked up and saw Avni's crystal eyes staring back at me. It did not have anything in them. It was so cold. The warmth in them had just disappeared. Her eyes were laced with tears. She had fear in them. The fearlessness that made her unique was missing. Her beautiful face looked like someone had wiped off the colours from her palette. She was dead white and pale. She looked so fragile like she might break if I would touch her. I hated this. My heart was weeping. I could not see her this way. My love was going to be tormented like never before and I could no nothing about it. I stared back into her eyes. There was restlessness, fear tension in the air. I wanted to cry my heart out holding her in my arms. Tight. Cuddle her and weep at the crook of her neck. I tried to keep myself from crying but that gaze the look of her eyes as if she was giving up. Giving up on life, giving up on me made me fall so weak. The lost look like she was trapped amidst the deep waters of the ocean. Deep enough to be engulfed by the roaring waters, a place of no escape. A tear droplet fell from my eyes and it was then we got out of the trauma of the mess. Avni looked at me with quivering lips and eyes concealing her tears. She tried to speak but she failed to form words. The tears were now dripping from my eyes. I did not have any control over them now. Avni just looked at me. A tear drop tracing her cheeks. I place my head on her hand. She flinched when a tear drop fell on her hand. I smelt her. That same fragrance that made me go crazy was now acting as something to calm myself. I sniffled and got up. Avni was also in tears. I wiped them away and kissed her forehead ever so gently. She closed her eyes. Our foreheads were joined. How could I let her go? I don't want to be a living dead. I want to die only once that too with Avni when we get old and not die every morning when I get up rummaging the place in search of my love only to get reminded that she left me. I don't want to be a zombie. No. I whimpered as I tried to control my tears. Avni opened her eyes and her delicate fingers raised as she entangled them with my meshed up hair. Her other arm went around me as she hugged me against her petite form. We both were in a mess but we held on to each other to collect ourselves so we could not lose any of our pieces. After a few minutes of silence I got up and looked at her. I sat beside her. I brushed the tears away from the back of my hand.

Avni finally made an attempt to speak: Neil...will I make it? Why am I having the feeling that I will die. Neil I don;t want to die. I want to live with you. Please save me. Please protect me. I want to see the world with you beside me........Please.

Her requests of saving her made me numb as if lost my senses. She was begging me to protect her but I could not give her any assurance. I had made promises of always shielding her and today when she is asking me to unleash that shield I can't. How will I fight against destiny. I could give my life but how would it bring her life back. Her "please" tainting my heart. This was breaking me into millions of pieces. I was afraid that Avni might end up being hurt by the broken pieces. I looked down not being able to meet up her pleading eyes.

Avni clutched my hand and said: Neil we will live right? We will not be separated or will we?

I wanted to go out of the room. I was being suffocated now.

I was glad when I felt the door opening and the doctor came up. He asked me to come out for a while. I was about to go when I realised that Avni still held on to my hand. I was about to release her grip when I saw her eyes it was welled up with tears. As if it was asking me to stop. Pleading for sparing a single glance. Like if I leave her now then I might never see her again. I was almost rooted at the spot. I somehow told her through my eyes that I would be back in just a few minutes. I almost explained her like I was talking to a baby.

She unwillingly let me go. I entered the doctor's chamber.

The doctor now started to explain each and every bit of what was happening and all the treatment courses, the possible outcomes, the chances in each of the courses. He said that the ambiance in hospital might not be the best but in case of emergencies they could deal better but if she continues everything at home then also the procedure would be the same. I would always prefer keeping her with me at home because the hospital is a sick place. I can't let her hopes and will power fade away. So in the house was my preference. She was going to go through chemotherapy and I realised that radiations superseded chemotherapy these days though it would be really very painful. The chances of survival would increase though. I totally agreed for radiations. The course would be like two shifts in 5 days gap. An excess of this might end up causing tremendous pain. Something that is beyond my imagination. She would be struggling and shifting restlessly and all those pictures came scaring me. I quickly shoved them away. The doctor also said that I needed to keep her happy and always take care that she does not have a mindset of losing. She has got almost 42% chances of survival and that is not a bad percentage. I completed all formalities and also appointed 4 nurses who were best trained to look after Avni in the house. All the setup everything was to be transferred to our house. I went in to find Avni behind the curtains where a nurse was helping her change. I stood outside. I heaved a deep sigh and looked up. This was going to be the hardest phase in our lives. I wish I could do something about it. Oh I wish so badly. Suddenly my thoughts were intruded when I heard the sound of a wheel chair. Avni was coming. Whatever happened she always looked like a fairy descending on earth. God might summon her back to himself but unfortunately she was in love and her lover was never letting her go. Never.

Avni almost complained like a baby: Neil I don't want to go in this wheel chair. It is just so sick. I can stand up and walk on my own.

I smiled and sat down on my knees so I matched her level. I took her hand in mine and kissed them.

I softly said: I know my baby can walk without any support but right now its time for just rest and nothing else. Okay.

Avni nodded her head slowly. We were going through such waves of emotions. I wanted to do so much but the truth was I could do nothing. This was so pathetic. I want to scream, hurl ,shout, put an end to all these sorrows but how, was the biggest question of my life.

I wheeled Avni down to the lobby asking her every minute whether she felt uncomfortable or not. She just smiled and nodded in a negative. I was such a big fool, even if she would be feeling sick she was never gonna tell. I opened the gate of the car. I was offered an ambulance but the car seemed a much better idea. I picked up Avni as she wound her arms round my neck. This was such a heavenly gesture. Like she trusted in me. She had given me her emotions for safety. She placed her face on the crook of my neck. My wife wanted me to save her but I just did not know how. I placed her in the seat beside me. I tucked her in and also tied on her seat belt. I was about to go towards my seat when I realised that Avni had enwrapped my hand with her tiny hands. She looked at me innocently. I wanted to kill myself before looking at those eyes which flickered with trust. She trusted me was what was swirling in my head but what if I don't live up to her expectations. What if I fail her. I looked away and shoved her hand a little rudely and went to the driver's seat and drove away. I looked at her and saw that she was now in tears. I did'nt realise that my smallest of gestures would surge up the insecurities building up within her. She might feel unwanted which was the last thing that she was. I was such a big idiot. I stopped the car in one side and quickly cupped her face. Tears drops oozed down like shining crystals. I kissed her tears away.

Avni somehow spoke: Neil you will leave me will you. You don't want me anymore. I would just be a burden to you.....

I did not allow her to say a thing more. I slammed my lips on hers. It was gentle but had a lot of passion. I chewed her lips, my tears making its way from my eyes. After a few seconds when I realised that Avni was gasping for breath. I let her go.

I joined her forehead and whispered:"Do you really thing my love is so weak. I thought it was the strongest thing in the world. If I am strong then I seek its source from our love. Don't ever doubt my existence by doubting on our love. It is hell so much important that I can't explain. I seriously can't.

Avni looked at me with a beautiful smile adorning her face. She nodded her head in a positive.

I drove the car. The ride was very silent indeed. My world had come crumbling right at my foot and I have nothing to do about it. I looked at Avni. She had dozed away to a slumber. She looked so beautiful. Impossible for me to take my eyes off her. Her lovely face. The same one whose map I had embraced in my head forever. I got down and went to pick her up. I slowly raise her so that she did not get up from her sleep. She shifted a little in my arms to adjust in the new place. Just like a baby. She cuddled up like a ball and I took her inside. I kissed her forehead and went upto our room. I saw the nurses arranging stuff. My heart clenched to see all the medication. I wish I could be the one suffering instead of her. I gently placed her on the bed. I kissed her cheeks and traced them on her eyes. The nurses were also embarrassed but that was the last thing I would care about. It was almost like I was playing with my favourite doll. Avni smiled in between. She could always identify when its me showering love to her. My princess. I wrapped her in tucked her while I don't know suddenly I found the nurse approaching her with some injection. I immediately shielded her and gave a questioning glance at the nurse. No one dares to pierce in that sharp nasty thing into the skin of my love. Its gonna hurt her and that is something I just cannot bear.

The nurse tried to debate: MR Khanna you need to get a grip on yourself coz we need to start the procedure today itself or we might need to face an emergency at night. She is very weak and a part of her is getting affected every passing second. You don't even know what drastic ways her body is being ruined.

I nodded and almost sped away from the room. I have myself been victim to a lot of intense, dangling pains but now I realised that those pains were just so mere when it is seen to the respect of remorse I feel right now. An injection can cause me so much of pain then where am I going to land up when I see her being treated with all those fierce medications.

I went up to the terrace. I so much so needed to have isolation. Maybe I was again running away. Running away from the fact that there was a huge probability of me losing her to the game of life. I might end up seeing her losing her last breath before me right before my eyes. I flinched and a tear droplet fell from my eyes. This was so damn painful. Her breaths were countable but I was striving to make not only each moment count for her treatment but also trying to push her away a little. I already know that I am going to kill myself the day I realise that she is no more a part of me but I don't want to feel like that. I don't. I want to love her but not to an extent that I keep falling deeper and deeper in the wildernesses of love. If god is making me suffer then he definitely is doing a good job coz I never have felt more broken and in need of some log to get me out of the waters engulfing me. My me-time or rather acceptance of the truth was interrupted when I heard a few noises coming from downstairs. My heart skipped a beat. I immediately ran down. Ran like anything. I checked in Avni's room. She was okay and the nurses were there looking after her. They were channelling her hand to the drip. But the voices came from downstairs and I heard the nickname I had not heard for quite some time.

TILLU!TILLU! come down!

I felt so happy like I found something that could maybe not pull me out of this mess but could atleast share the same pain with me. I ran down and so mom, dad, bebe,everybody there. They flew down to Mumbai immediately after that call I had made. Though I could not tell them the reason but my sobs were enough to indicate that I was in some grave problem. Tears welled up in my eyes and I ran and hugged mom. She was taken aback. I was sure of that. I almost cried like the time when I had lost my favourite toy. Mom took hold of me like I was back again to be the small Neil. Mom shushed me. I had so much so dropped atom bombs before my family. They had never seen me cry let alone weep like this. Mom shushed me and dad rushed for bringing water. Mom told me to sit down. I placed my head on mom's chest as we sat on the sofa. Dad brought me water which I drank though I my hiccups made me keep spilling out a little of the water.

Mom dad bebe had already prepared themselves to hear something really bad because nothing could practically make me this disheartened actually this time I was not disheartened but my heart had broken into zillions of pieces.

Mom ran her fingers through my hair and finally asked very softly: Tillu what happened ?

Bebe: Tillu where is Avni I cannot see her. Did you have a fight with her. Puttar we can always mend things don't be so tensed.

I did'nt know as to how will they react.

I somehow made myself to say: Avvi she is not okay.

Everybody sat up alarmed and bombarded me with her whereabouts. I could feel my lips getting zipped.

I looked at mom as I could meet only her eyes because only she did not have questions coz she was just waiting for an answer to all the questions.

I said: I just got to know today that Avni is suffering from cancer 4th level.

Everybody became quiet like they did not have anything to say.

Everyone was in shock and a pool of tears. They did not get enough time to interact with Avni because if they would have then the pain would have been even worse.

Dad: What are the chances.

I: 42%

Bebe: We will get her back.

Suddenly mom who was quiet for like 5 minutes asked

Mom: Neil do you love Avni?

Hello everyone sorry sorry for updating after a week but just got caught up.

So how was the update. (fingers crossed)

I just hope that the response increases coz I see a dying response. Guys plz need some support. Really do. Its not like my day runs for 48 hours per day that I have ample time to write for people who are not really voting nor commenting.

So everyone plz do vote and comment and silent readers:"jago reader jago"

#naamkaranzindabad (oh I am crazy).

dedicating this part to you Miss NK. Well this part has a strange connection between us. You know where right. Thanks for being their when I need you. Thanks for being my Neil. I love you and I hate you too. ANd I swear I am gonna get you spit your country name to me.Atleast before I die. So miss Nk tu ek kamini zaroor hein par ek achi wali. My princess in the shinning armour ha