i sit there, wondering if there is even any hope at all.

dragging everyone to the bottom with me is not really my cup of tea.

i've been spending my whole life becoming someone's hero, with the slightest interest to at least, get someone or anyone to become my hero too.

but i guess, it was not included in God's plan.

therefore, for the last time, i managed to convinced myself to be the hero..

for myself.

to not suffer is to not be alive.

to not feel hurt is to not even have the emotion at first place.

hence, this is a count down journal of me, trying to commit sue-said again.

i will be documenting my plans, the way i do my methods, my first time experience and why it was a failure, my emotions along the journey and sort of.

hopefully it is a success this time. because i have been planning this scheme since i was a kid.

you know, the moment mum threw me off the wall, stepped on my head, screamed how much she hated me and yelled that it would be much more easier to raise bunch of pigs instead of me.

yeah, that moment.

if you are reading this, no. you can not stop me. this is my decision to make.

i just hope God still have some mercy to understand me.

and mum, if you are reading this. this is my gift to you. perhaps, the only thing that can make you happier.

and perhaps this is my only way to grant your only wish to me.

of course, i would not be there to hear your precious, 'thank you, my daughter'. but do not be worry as i already prepared my response beforehand.

you are welcome, mum.