"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"Well, Happy Birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame."

''DWIGHT YOU IGNORANT SLUT!''

"I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream."

"I. Declare. Bankruptcy!"

"Everybody stay calm! Stay f*&#!#% calm!"