Chapter 30

Confusion flooded through my senses again and again as if there was no ending. My head started throbbing and scenarios was coming after me all at once. It was then Rake's touched that stopped me from overthinking.

Napatingin ako sa kamay niya na nakapatong sa kamay ko, hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang bawiin iyon dahil wala akong ideya kung alin ang totoo sa hindi sa mga nangyari. I didn't want to cause panic as well. Because I'm okay but really, am I?

Napalunok muli ako. Erin, my sister, sat on the other side. Nag-aalala ang emosyon sa mukha nito. She hugged me tightly and rested her head on my shoulder.

"You should've call me, Ate. Kaya kitang damayan sa kahit anuman problemang pinagdadaanan mo."

I couldn't say a word. I was tongue tied with everything that was happening. I needed answer because I know the truth would set me free, but how would I? When I'm frightened as hell to figure it out? How would I be able to start from scratch? And separate reality from my fantasy?

But I'd been through alot. Hindi ako pinalaki ng magulang ko na maging mahina sa kahit anuman bagay. I should be strong and start solving my problem infront of me because if I won't then who will and when?

This wasn't the Ericka I knew. She was smart and never one step behind everyone. This was a game of my mind, a game between me vs me.

I composed myself and gave Erin a reassuring smile. Rake on the other hand tigthenes his grip on me. We badly needed to talk. Kahit na may Doctor sa harap namin, he was the only person I trusted most in this room and could answer my disoriented mind.

"C-can I talk to Rake Alicante for a second?"

It felt weird hearing my own voice. Parang ang tagal na panahon ko ito hindi nagamit. Lumunok ako to wet the dryness in my throat.

Nagkatinginan si Erin at si Dr. Sanchez ng ilan segundo. Maya't maya bumaba na si Erin ng kama.

"Okay, nasa labas lang ako kapag kailangan mo ako, Ate," ngiting sabi niya saakin at nilapitan si Dr. Sanchez. "I think you heard her, let's wait until she's ready. Kailangan nilang mag-usap dalawa."

May sasabihin pa sana si Dr. Sanchez ngunit wala itong magawa sa kapatid niya na nakaharang sa tinatayuan nito. Huminga ito ng malalim as if giving up the invisible fight between him and my sister.

"Alright, let us know then. I need to discuss something to her after."

They both exited the room. Kami nalang ni Rake ang naiwan. Ngayon ko lang napansin na hindi niya parin binibitawan ang kamay ko. I gulped when we looked at each other. There was still an undeniable chemistry between us. He felt the same just like wifh the scenarios in my head. Kahit kinakabahan padin ako. I tried my best to calm myself.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at inakyat sa pisngi ko. Rake didn't say a word when I closed my eyes to feel his touch against mine. Naghigpit ang kamay niya sa pisngi ko as if stopping himself from doing something.

He caressed it using his thumb. Napadilat ako nang hawakan niya ang kabilang pisngi ko gamit ang isa niyang kamay.

Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin niya sa mga mata ko at labi. "I've been an asshole, Quinn. But seeing you unconcious for weeks is a damn torture. Araw-araw akong nagdadasal na sana magising kana para maitama ko ang mga mali na nagawa ko sa'yo. If only I knew, hindi na kita pinahirapan ng ganon. Kung alam ko lang..." Inilapit niya ang noo sa noo ko. I closed my eyes again, feeling his breath close to mine. "And I swear fucking this time, I won't do the same mistake. Kahit na ako nalang ang pahirapan mo dahil sa mga ginawa ko, I will oblige. H'wag mo lang akong iwan... It sucks, thinking I would lose you forever and not being able to give you what you deserve in this lifetime... I'm really sorry, Ericka Quinn—"

I shut his mouth using mine. He then tightened his hand on my hair pulling me closer to him. Humawak ako sa balikat niya and pushed his head toward, deepening our kiss. I missed him. If my dream wasn't real then I'd another chance to make it right this time. Without the conflict, without the killings and running away.

I stopped and pushed him a little. "You don't have to say anything, Alicante. I don't care if we were like cats and dogs. What matter is you are here, with me."

He kissed my forehead. I was taken aback. He never kissed me there. I felt somehow respected with that gesture.

"Rebecka's been here. Binibisita ka niya every now and then. Baka sakaling makatulong siya para magising ka. And Prince—"

I was shocked and pulled back. "What about Prince?"

Ngumiti si Rake, and tucked my hair under my ear. "I knew about him... And Lorde too."

Napalunok ako. "N-nasaan sila? Okay lang ba sila? Sinong nag-aalaga sakanila? Kumain naba ang mga anak ko?"

"Anak natin," he corrected. "They're living with me since Greg came to explain what happened to you."

Tumigin si Rake saakin ng seryoso, mukhang hinihintay niya ang reaksyon ko sa pangalang binanggit niya.

"G-greg. . ." I repeated out of breath.

"We talked and it's between us gentleman's. You are now free, Ericka. You can do what you want and go wherever you want to go. You can love who you want to love and be who you are."

Gulat na gulat ko siyang tiningnan. They talked? But how? Anong pinag-usapan nila? Bakit niya napapayag si Greg na pakawalan ako kahit ilan taon na akong nakatira sa puder niya? Mas lalong dumadami ang tanong sa isip ko. Pero ngayon, nangingibabaw ang kasiyahan na nararamdaman ko. I got my freedom without doing anything. How was it possible? Nananaginip padin ba ako?

"I-I don't really know what to say, Rake. But thank you for doing that. I can't seem to find the way to untie my know with but you did anyway. . ." I bit my lip and stared at him. "But I can't remember what happened. Saan nagsimula... I really had a vivid dream and it was all too real to me na akala ko it was my reality. You are there, Greg too and everything I know personally. . .It was confusing right now."

"Hush, My Angel. I can answer all your question." Hinawakan ni Rake ang kamay ko ng mahigpit. And he started caressing it again like he was used doing it since then. "We were making-love in my hotel that night and you passed out. . . You've been unconcious since then and I-I thought. . .I-I'll lose you... Magigising ka pero tulala kalang, Ericka. Para bang nasa isa kang malalim na panaginip."

Sumandal ako sa kama dahil sa naramdaman ko na panghinina. I bit my lip trying to process his words.

"In my dreams you were there. . .akala ko totoo ang lahat. Someone's always trying to kill me in that dream. But I fought it anyway, I fight back, didn't I?"

Rake's face lightened giving me an hopeful smile. "You did, Ericka Quinn. You reached the end of that battle. Hindi na kita hahayaan na masaktan at maghirap pa. Ang dami kong natutunan sa dalawang linggo na pagbabantay sa'yo. Ang dami kong nalaman. . .but above all, I've realized I need to be your number one protector when the world is against your bitchy attitude. Your home when you're lost and your safezone when defenseless."

Hinila niya ang kamay ko at idinantay sa mukha niya. It's my weakness when he's talking like this. Kahit hindi kami parehong sanay to have a mature conversation because all we did was fucked each other.

"I was scared when you came back out of nowhere. And scared and happy at the same time. Masaya ako dahil bumalik ka ulit sa'kin when I've been longing for you throughout the years. Natatakot ako dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin dahil paano kung mawala ka ulit? Paano kung iwan mo nanaman ako sa huli? Alam kong kapag nakita mo na si Rebecka you will live your life again without me. Yes, it may sounded so selfish, Quinn. Treating you like that, but that's the only choice I've in mind to make you stay. Dahil alam ko na ayaw mong pinapakitaan ka ng kabutihan dahil hindi ka sanay. You pushed people who do you good."

I lowered down my defense. Kung sa panaginip ko, kaya kong i-kontrol ang nararamdaman ko kay Rake, sa totoong buhay, hindi. I couldn't get enough of him in reality as if we don't have much time left. I don't know, iniwan ko siya na hindi kami maayos. Lagi akong nagpipigil sakanya dahil alam kong sa sarili ko na masisira at masisira ko siya. Pero ngayon, after sleeping a long time. I don't care. I will choose now what makes me happy.

My life was consisted of what if's when it comes to this man. Lagi akong nagpipigil sakanya. We kept on chasing each other in my dreams. Now I don't have to do that when I can live a better reality.

"Rake. . ." I whispered.

"Ericka Quin. . ." he said softly. "Hmm?"

"Have I ever told you that I love you?"

Nanlaki bahagya ang mata ni Rake. I know, hindi ako ganito. Pero gusto ko rin baguhin ang pagkakamali ko sa nakaraan taon. Hindi ko na siya hahayaan makawala pa.

He shaked his head. "No," sagot niya ng nakangiti.

"I love you," I told him with all my heart. "More than my bitchy attitude. I love you, Rake Alicante."

"I love you too, Ericka Quinn Lopez." Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti na binibigay niya saakin. "Ibig ba sabihin niyan, papakasalan mo na ako?"

I raised my brow. "On as scale of one to ten, gaano ka kabilis?"

"You know the answer, Quinn," he then started to put his hand on my shirt. Hinarangan ko agad siya. He laughed. "See? Ganyan kabilis."

"Stop. Kailangan ko pa makausap si Dr. Sanchez," sabi ko sakanya at tinulak siya ng marahan. "We can talk to him together."

"Whatever you wish, Quinn."

Inalalayan ako ni Rake sa pagtayo. My feet felt weird too na napahinto pa ako nang tumapak sa sahig. Agad rumehistro ang pag-aalala sa mukha ni Rake.

Nginisian ko siya. "I can walk pa naman. No need to worry na hindi na kita kayang bigyan ng magandang laban."

"I know how talented you are, stop bragging."

Nakangiting binuksan ni Rake ang pinto. My sister welcomed me once again as she hugged me tighter. Gusto ko siya makausap at magtanong sa buhay niya. Pero hindi pa ito ang tamang oras. I need my truth first. Kasi alam kong malaki rin ang kasalanan ko sakanya sa pagtatago ko dahil ayokong madamay siya sa kamalasan sa buhay ko. After talking to her, nagpaalam muna siya saglit upang kunin ang mga anak niya para maka-bonding ko sila. I said yes. Excited na akong bunuin ang oras na nawala dahil sa takot na nararamdaman ko dati.

I will fix myself step by step starting from now. Sabi naman ni Rake naayos niya na ang problema saamin dalawa ni Greg.

Dr. Sanchez greeted me again. He looked exaclty the same in my dreams. Tall, handsome and wearing the same Doctor's outfit. He looked so formal. Pumasok ito sa kwarto, papalabasin niya sana si Rake nang pigilan ko siya.

"He'll stay here. My fiancé needs to hear the truth, I believe."

Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Dr. Sanchez at naglipat-lipat ang mata saamin ni Rake. Tumango siya nang hindi kami gumagalaw pareho habang pinapanood siya.

"Okay, lovebirds. Here's the thing, you have psychosis, Ericka."

My body froze. Psychosis? Since when? Nagpalipat-lipat ang mata ko kay Rake at kay Dr. Sanchez. I don't know what to react. I'm fully aware that I'm having vividly dreams... But Psychosis?

"Explain further, Doc." Si Rake na ang nagsalita para saakin. His manly voice was so serious.

"Psychosis is when someone lose their touch with reality. May nakikita sila o naririnig na hindi totoo. Kaya tulala si Ericka the past few weeks, her mind is wandering somewhere else. The thing here, Ericka is in acute phase which means her symptoms began to emerge. Like... Delusions... Hallucinations... At iyon nga ang nakita natin nitong nakaraan."

I bit my lip. My breath was becoming uneven. "S-saan ko naman nakuha 'yan, Doc? Why all of a sudden bigla ako nagkaganitong sakit?"

Pinaglaruan ni Dr. Sanchez ang hawak na ballpen. "It can be genetics... Substance abuse, physical injury or trauma. Like sexual assault, childhood trauma na ngayon lang na-trigger. Pero ang good news dito, Rake and Ericka, it is treatable. With appropriate treatment, and daily check ups and the help of the family. I believe, you can recover."

Nagtinginan kami ni Rake. Hindi ko mahanap ang boses ko at kung ano ang pwede kong sabihin. This is too much information for me to process. Parang binubugbog ng paulit-ulit ang utak ko.

Hinawakan ni Rake ang kamay ko. "Pwede naba kaming umuwi, Doc?"

Dr. Sanches smiled. "Yes, you can. Next month pa naman ang susunod natin na pagkikita. Bibigay ko narin sainyo ang mga gamot na kailangan niyang inumin. For now, rest well, Ericka. Don't overstress and call me if something happen, I'll be always available for you, Mr. and Mrs. Alicante," he then winked.

Pagkalabas namin ng hospital naninibago ang mata ko sa sinag ng araw na nakikita ko sa labas. It was as if my first time that the sun touched my skin. Rake stayed by my side the whole time. I was calmed and nervous at the same time.

"Good to see you back, Ericka." 

Sinalubong ako ni Zach at ni Erin sa labas. His hand on his jean pocket habang nakahawak ang isang kamay sa bewang ni Erin. 

"Good to see you too, and Erin..." sabi ko sakanila. Ngumiti ulit si Erin ng sobrang lawak at tumakbo papalapit saakin para yakapin ako. 

"Hindi mo kailangan harapin ito mag-isa, Ate. I'm here. Always be here for you."

I hugged her. Na-miss ko ito. The genuine love I refused to show. All those years nagtatago ako dahil ayokong maging pabigat pero alam ko sa sarili ko na sila-sila rin ang makakatulong saakin. 

"See you around?" bali ni Rake sa katahimikan at hinila na ako ng marahan. "Ericka need to rest. Let's have get together once she's ready."

Nakita kong ngumisi si Zach at hinila ang asawa sabay hinalikan sa noo. "We will. Let us know."

Nagpaalam na kami sakanila at pumasok na sa sasakyan. Hindi parin ako makapaniwala sa lahat na nangyari saakin. Bumalik ako para kay Rake... Para makita si Rebecka pero ang huli, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang totoo sa hindi sa mga nangyari sa panaginip ko. 

Rake held my hand nang mapansin niya na malalim nanaman ang iniisip ko. Nakatingin lang ako sa daan habang nagda-drive siya. He pinched my hand. I looked at him, my heart melted... Panay lang ang tingin niya sa mukha ko na para bang ngayon lang kami nagkaoras ng ganito. I smiled at him. He's the dangerous man I fell inlove with. I don't really know what happened in two weeks pero nawala lahat ng humaharang saakin para ipakita sakanya ang nararamdaman ko.

It was as if the time fixed it for us. For me. 

"I love you," he said. "Wala kanang kawala, Ericka Quinn."

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Who told you na kakawala ako sa'yo, Alicante?"

"Your other self," he joked and laughed.

"Be careful what you wish for," sagot ko sakanya at humiga sa balikat niya. "You'll never know."

"I can tie you up. You know."

"Where exactly?"

"Bed?"

Tumingin ako sakanya ng nakakaloko. I think my other side liked it. Nabuhayan ang likido ko sa katawan. Ibinaba ko ang kamay ko sa hita niya at hinimas iyon. He looked at me and there were pained in his eyes. 

"Patience, my love," he said. "Babawiin natin ang lahat ng oras na nasayang. Papagurin kita hanggang sa hindi kana makalad pagdating ng umaga. How about that?"

"Sounds like a good deal to me."

"Later?" he raised his brow.

I winked and my inner hoe rising up. "Laters, baby."

____

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