Aragon: All, right, sit your a**es down, because WE are gonna tell you a story!

Boleyn: You may have heard it before...

Seymour:... and you know our names and our faces

Cleves: And the glories and the disgraces...

Howard: But, like, we ourselves are TIRED of just being one word in a rhyme!

Parr: So I picked up a pen and mic and this whole show is just us saying "SCREW HISTORY AND HENRY"!

The queens: WELCOME TO... (Singing) SIIIIIX!!!

Aragon: So, we are going to have a competition to see who gets to be the leader of our girl group! The queen who had the "BIGGEST load of BS" to deal with from Henry wins! And I'M GOING FIRST! So, I'm gonna sing a song about how Henry wanted to divorce me just because I was his brother's wife, or that's what he said, but it's probably because he wanted a son but I had a daughter! And I said NO WAY! And I'm gonna do some crazy hard riffs with crazy high notes! N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NOOOOOO WAYYY! NO WAY!!!! THERE'S NO WAY!

Boleyn: (Golf claps) Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now I'M gonna sing a song about how I lost my head! And it's SO catchy, it's on Tik Tok!

All theater fans everywhere: NOOOOOOOO! NOT TIK TOK!

Boleyn: AND it's the most popular! So basically I came from France, married Henry, and he beheaded me because I didn't give him a son and because he thought I disrespected him! (Singing) ALL TOGETHER NOW! FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! SORRY NOT SORRY BOUT WHAT I SAID! I'M JUST TRYNA HAVE SOME FUN! DON'T WORRY DON'T WORRY DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD, I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE! LOL, SAY OH WELL, OR GO TO HEEEEEEEEELLLLLL! SORRY NOT SORRY BOUT WHAT I SAID, DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD!

Audience: WHOOOO! WHOOOO! WE LOVE YOU, ANNE!

Boleyn: Thank you, thank you! Now I'm gonna sing a song I wrote when I found out that Aragon tragically died! Sing along if you know the words! (Singing) CATHERINE WAS A MASSIVE CU...

The other queens and any semi-responsible person: (Cutting her off) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Parr: THERE ARE KIDS HERE! AND THIS IS A PG SHOW! Well, maybe bordering on PG-13...

Seymour: It's my turn now!

Aragon and Boleyn: (Laughing) YOU?! You're the only one he truly loved, and you gave him that son of his he oh, so wanted!

Seymour: Yeah, but... I know that if I didn't have Edward, it could've been really bad. And Henry, if you're watching I think you have a good heart, but I know you can be unpredictable, and... (singing)  You can build me up, you can tear me down, you can try but I'm unbreakable! You can do your best, but I'll stand the test! You'll find that I'm unshakable. The fire's burnt, the wind has blown, the water's dried.  You'll still find stone. My heart of stone

Audience: WHOOOO!!!

Cleves: Hold up, I'm setting up my Tinder... aaaannnnnd DONE!

The other queens: WELCOME TO THE HAUS, TO THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN, JA!!!

Parr: Now, we're gonna pretty-fy you!

Howard: Even though the ingredients in the makeup are a bit questionable!

Anne Boleyn: NOW CUE THE AIR HORN!

(Air horns blast)

Cleves: Aight, my turn! So Henry said "I DoN't LiKe uR prOfiLe pIctUrE sO i'M goNnA duMP yOu!"

Audience: HAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Cleves: Well all I have to say is... SCREW YOU HENRY! BECAUSE I'M GONNA HANG MY PICTURE UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE! And ever since he dumped me, I've had it made! Yeah, it's a life full of partying and dancing! I'M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE, GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL! GET DOWN!

Audience: WHOOOOO!!!!

Howard: My turn now!

The queens: BAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Aragon: Ha! You're the least relevant Catherine! Your trauma probably seems NOTHING compared to ours!

Howard: Y'know what?! Just for that, I'm gonna go on a roast session! Boleyn, wow! You must think you're so special because you got behead... hold on... divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded... OH WAIT! And Jane... dying of natural causes.... WHEN WILL JUSTICE BE SERVED!!!!!!

Audience: (Laughs)

Howard: You think MY problems are nothing! Well, here's something to think about! I was SEXUALLY ABUSED STARTING FROM AGE 13! Men have used me all my life! AND I GOT BEHEAD FOR IT!  All you wanna do, all you wanna do, baby's touch me, love me, can't get enough, see! All you wanna do, all you wanna do, baby's seize me, squeeze me, birds and the bees me! There's no time for when or how 'cause you've just got to have me now! Playtime's over... the only thing you wanna do is... m'wah!

Audience: (Cries) She wins! She wins!

(The queens begin arguing)

Boleyn: I WIN BECAUSE I GOT HUMILIATED NATIONWIDE! WHO COULD POSSIBLY RELATE?!!!

Aragon: SHUT UP, ANNE! I HAD TO COME TO THIS COUNTRY WITHOUT SPEAKING A WORD OF ENGLISH TO MARRY THIS MAN!

Cleves: GIRLS I HAVE THE PLAGUE!

The queens: AHHHHH!

Cleves: LOL! Just kidding! I had it easy!

Boleyn: I HAD THREE MISCARRIAGES!

Aragon: WELL I HAD FIVE! And Henry wouldn't let me hold baby Mary when she had chicken pox!

Seymour: OHHHH BOOO HOOO HOOO! BABY MARY HAD CHICKEN POX AND YOU COULDN'T HOLD HER! WELL, WHEN I TRIED TO HOLD MY SON, I DIED!!!!!

(Everything goes to chaos)

Parr: EVEYRONE, STOP! We shouldn't place our worth on some man who treated us like crap! We have to take back our stories!

Aragon: She's right!

The queens: I DON'T KNEED YOUR LOVE, NO ,NO! I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE, BO, NO! CAN'T LET IT GET THE BETTER OF US NO, NO! WE DON'T NEED YOUR LOOOOOOVE! WE DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE!

Aragon: Now we're gonna imagine what our life would've been like WITHOUT Henry! I would move to the nunnery and join the gospel choir!

Boleyn: I'd write lyrics for Shakespeare, so he won't have to complain about how it's hard to be the bard!

Seymour: I'd make a band with my family which will grow!

Cleves: I'd move in to the Haus of Holbein!

Howard: I'd become a pop star!

Parr: I would gather all of these girls and we'd be a girl group!

The queens: WE'RE SIX!

Howard: LONDON! CHICAGO! SYDNEY! OR... whatever your city is! We're now gonna give you an encore of all the songs we sang!

Audience! WHOOOOOO!