[CW: This MAY have a bit more swearing than usual, just so you know, but I will censor the words.]

Veronica: Hey! I'm Veronica! I'm REALLY relatable and I think that life can be beautiful, even though the kids in school are HUUUUGE d*ckheads now...

Ram: (Knocks off Veronica's lunchtray) Whoooops...

Veronica: Ah...here's one of them now!

Ram: What did you say to me sk*nk?

Veronica: Nothing!

Martha: I'm the best friend who you'll totally root for!

Kurt: MARTHA DUMPTRUCK! WIDE LOAD! HOOOONNNK!

Veronica: Aaaaand there's d*ckhead number two! (to Kurt) HEY! Who said that you can make fun of my friend like that! You're a has-been waiting to happen!

Kurt:...you have a zit right there...

Everyone: WHY IS HIGH SCHOOL SO CRAPPY! SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME HOPE!

(Enter the Heathers)

Heather M.: I'm Heather M., my dad sells engagement rings, and I'm the NICE one!

Heather D.: I'm Heather D., and I turn out to be REALLY b*tchy later on!

Heather C.: And I'm Heather C.! I'm the queen of this school!

Heather D.: (Throws up)

Heather C.: Grow up, Heather, bulimia is so '87!

Ms. Flemming: Hey, girls! Where's your hall pass! You have detention!

Veronica: Actually, they ARE on a hall pass.

Ms. Flemming: Ah...sorry about that! Anyway, hurry up! (She leaves)

Heather C.: (to Veronica) Wow! That is one awesome forgery! Who are you?

Veronica: Veronica. Can I sit with you guys at lunch?

Heather C.: Yeah, sure. You don't look so bad for a greasy little nobody.

Heather M.: And you have a symmetrical face!

Heather D.: Well, you should lose some weight...

Heather C.: Let's maker her beautiful! You're one of us now!

Everyone: VERONICA! VERONICA! VERONICAAAA!!!

Heather C.: (to Veronica) Hey, give d*ckhead number one this note from Martha saying she loves him.

Veronica: No! I'm not gonna humiliate her!

Heather C.: Did I f**king stutter?! Let me say it again...IN THE FORM OF THE BEST SONG OF THE MUSICAL!

The Heathers: (singing) Honey wat'chu waiting fooooor~ welcome to my candy stoooooore~time for you to prove you're not a loser anymoooore~then step into my candy store!

Kurt: Hey! New kid! We're gonna make fun of you!

J.D.: Oh, that's fine!

(He proceeds to get in a fistfight with Kurt and Ram)

Veronica: Holy, sh*t! I think I'm in love!

(At 7-Eleven)

J.D.: Slushies make everything better!

Veronica: Wow! I'm even more in love!

J.D.: (to Veronica) Try it!

Heather C.: VERONICAAAA!!! HURRY UP! BUY SOME CORN NUTS FOR THE PARTY!

(At the party)

Everyone: WHOOOO! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN!!!

Veronica: Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!

Heather C.: Hey! Let's prank Martha Dumptruck!

Veronica: Actually...I don't wanna be in your clique anymore.

Heather C.: Did I f**king stutter?

Veronica: (Throws up on Heather C.)

Heather C.: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! CONSIDER YOURSELF DEAD TO EVERYONE HERE IN WESTERBURG! 'CAUSE COME MONDAY, NO ONE IN HERE WILL WANT TO BE NEAR YOU!

Veronica: Okay, since I'm going to high school equivalent of die on Monday... YO, J.D.!

J.D.: What? Veronica? What are you doing in my room?

Veronica: Let's f**k!

J.D.: That works for me!

(CENSORED)

(The next day)

Veronica: Hey, Heather? I just wanna say I'm sorry.

Heather C.: Bring me a hangover cure and I'll think about it.

J.D.: (to Veronica) Hey, let's add some drain cleaner to it!

Veronica: No way! That's gonna kill her!

J.D.: Thus ending her hangover!

(Heather C. drinks the mug)

Heather C.: Corn nuts! (Dies)

Veronica: OH MY GOSH!

J.D.: Don't worry, let's write a note to make it seem like she killed herself.

Everyone in school: Wow! I had no idea Heather felt like that!

Kurt and Ram: Hey Veronica! You want a piece of this?!

Veronica: (Sighs) Ya Dead Girl Walking once....

Heather D.: MOVE OVER B*TCHES! I'M IN POWER NOW! (Singing) I WILL NEVER SHUT UP AGAIN! I WILL NEVER SHUT UP AGAIN! BRAND NEW DAY, NOW WE'RE FINALLY FREE! FREE TO WORSHIP ME! 'CAUSE I'LL NEVER SHUT UP AGAIN!

Kurt and Ram: Guys, we TOTALLY had sex with Veronica!

Veronica: Wait, WHAT?!

J.D.: I'll take care of this!

(He gets into another fistfight with Kurt and Ram)

J.D.: Hey! I have an idea! Let's scare them by luring them into a cemetary!

Veronica: Okaaaa...(J.D. shoots and kills them) WAIT WHAT?!!! WHAT THE F**K HAVE YOU DONE?!

J.D.: Our love is God!

Kurt and Ram's dads: Our sons were secret gay lovers and we love them for that. They killed themselves...

Veronica: Well THAT was unexpected.

J.D.: Hey! We should target Heather D. next!

Veronica: No! And you know what? You have two choices: Give up violence for your own good and live a normal life with me, or we break up forever! Please! Let's just be seventeen!

J.D.: Fine.

Martha: Veronica! I think that J.D. killed Kurt and Ram! The note here is proof!

Heather C.'s ghost: Say it Veronica....

Veronica: Actually...I wrote that note...to humiliate you.

(Martha runs off)

McNamara: (holding pills) I'm actually depressed and suicidal, and Heather D. mocked me, so I'm gonna OD on these here...

Veronica: NOOOOO! DON'T DO IT, MAC!!!!

J.D.: Veronica, we should TOTALLY kill Heather D.

Veronica: You know what? We're done here.

Martha: Okay, my best friend turns out to be a b*tch, my crush died, so I'm gonna go jump off a bridge...(she does so and survives) well...THAT didn't go like planned.

J.D.: Veronica! I was meant to be yours, so I had everyone sign what seemed like a petition but is actually a suicide note so Westerburg will go up in flames! VERONICA! OPEN THE DOOR! ONE, TWO....wait, what comes after two? Ahh, I KNEW I shouldn't have slept the day we learned how to count in kindergarten...F**K IT! (kicks down the door.)

(He sees Veronica dangling from a noose)

J.D.: NOOOO! VERONICA! You know what? I can't do this alone, but I will if I must!

Veronica: PSYCH! The suicide was fake! Now, I have a certain psycho to confront!

Veronica: (to J.D.) Step away from the bomb!

J.D.: Well, I wouldn't call THIS a bomb...this activates the REAL bombs, which is under the gym! People will see Westerburg's ashes and thinks "Here's a school that self destructed not because society doesn't care, but because IT WAS SOCIETY!" The only place that Heathers and Marthas can get along is in Heaven! Now excuse me! I have a school to blow up!

(Meanwhile)

Everyone: Hey, yo, Westerburg! Tell me what's that sound! Here comes Westerburg, coming to put you in the ground! Go, go, Westerburg, give a great big yell! Westerburg's gonna knock you out and send you straight to...

(Gunshot)

Veronica: Well, time to sacrifice myself for the whole school!

J.D.: No...let me do it...

Veronica: Wait, you're alive?!

J.D.: Yeah...and I am damaged...(the bomb explodes, and it kills him)

Veronica: Well, there's a new sheriff in town and her name's Veronica! And I say that this vicious social circle in Westerburg has to end! Now, Martha, Heather, let's go watch the Princess Bride!

Martha and Heather M.: (Cheer)