We're getting an inside view of Harry's mess of a mind and a reality check-up sadly soon as well ...

Do you actually look at the songs I put up there? Because they mostly hint at the chapter and are related to it ...

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Something was definitely off. Harry could feel it in his bones. Tuesday Jake was with him like he had promised it and even came home with him and they had some fun. Everything was good. Except, it wasn't but Harry couldn't say why.

Wednesday in Physics, Louis completely ignored his presence like he wouldn't exist and Harry thought he would be angry at him because of their fight but he was only missing the sound of Louis' voice. During Literature the ice age ruled the class and Harry feared it was his fault. Lunch was spent with Jake again and his chess class went by without him really noticing it.

Thursday was a very lonely day for Harry. He barely saw Louis apart from in their art class, where he got ignored again. This was the first time Harry had no clue on what to do during the last hour after lunch. He had no course and normally, was always present during Louis' band rehearsal. Automatically, he went down the hallway towards that room and could hear music through the walls. He didn't recognise the song so it had to be a new one. He tip-toed closer and listen more closely.

The moment you left you took away my serenity

I ever wanted from you was honest sincerity

You helped me find my true identity

And gave my life a new beautiful melody

The only thing more scary than our similarity

Is our perfectly matched complementarity

Your whole being is pure peculiarity

And you're my badly needed remedy

Baby please, I need some clarity

Or our magical past will be nothing more than a faded

memory

Did you turn from my saviour into my enemy

Due to so much overwhelming intimacy?

My love and longing for you has turned into a strange

poem

maybe I should have listened to that oddly omen

Still, if someone asks me I'm gonna say 'I've known him'

All alone in my lonely bedroom

I'm missing you madly, my precious bloom

Left cold and empty I'm feeling blue

Cause baby, there is no me without you

Louis' voice sounded so soft but so sad and broken and Hayden could swear he heard his voice tremble, which could only mean he was close to tears. The words Louis had written had touched Harry's heart and he knew it was about him. He just had no clue what to do with that piece of information. That's why he left that day without saying anything.

After an awful and silent day, Harry found himself at the basketball practise on Friday. His swimming practise was already over, so he had come over to watch his boyfriend a last time. Jake was running across the field and looked all good and attractive but Harry wasn't focused on him one bit. He was lost in thoughts of someone else and didn't care about Jake right now, at all and that should make him think.

And it did. Something about the whole situation was off but Harry couldn't place his finger on it. Why was Jake's presence not making him all giddy and excited right now? The whole week Harry had barely taken notice of him although he has been around constantly. He felt bad for being distant but Jake didn't really seem to notice that. Was that a good or a bad thing?

"What do you mean just played? Like, all of it?" heard Harry Alec asking Jake when the practise was over.

"Yeah. He wanted to make me jealous" nodded Jake with sweat on his forehead.

"With Louis' help? Wow, that's something" couldn't Harry place the tone of Alec's voice. Louis probably wasn't his favourite topic of conversation.

"It's one way to get what you want and, in the end, it worked out for him. I was really jealous of Louis and a bit angry because he gave H a chance and not you" shrugged Jake indifferent.

"Because you wanted him?" smirked Alec at him.

"Yep. Very true. He has something. Something very sweet and innocent. Adorable. Different" tried Jake to find the right words and this should make Harry really happy.

"Different, yeah. Not everyone fake-dates someone to prove a point. A bit pathetic. He could have just said something" mused Alec out loud, not mean or anything and Harry could only agree with him. He has been pathetic.

"The only pathetic one here is Louis. He really fell for my boy because of this act and is now fucking jealous" snorted Jake as Harry decided to walk over to them.

"I could say he deserves it for rejecting me but he probably was crushing on Harry back then already, so I can't blame him. He did what was best for both of us" said Alec surprisingly and really shocked Harry with his words.

"You forgave him? Wow, but maybe that's better. We're leaving for Uni and should leave all of this drama behind. Still a pathetic football captain for being unable to ...".

"He is a great football captain, Jake. I'd love if you could stop being obsessed with Louis for a second" made Harry himself noticeable, startling Alec and Jake. "I know we said we go to the movies but my Mum needs me home. Just wanted to let you know".

Without waiting for an answer, Harry left the gym and tried to find Sean and Niall. After looking around for a while, he found them talking by the entrance and for some reason, they were not going home. Good for him now.

"Guys" panted Harry out as he reached them.

"Hi, Hazza. I thought you'd be with Jake" steadied Niall his stance.

"I was but I left. I um ... could you .... do you have time now?" stuttered Harry unsurely.

"Yeah, of course. Everything okay?" looked Sean concerned.

"I don't know".

All three of them went home, meant Harry's house, and were met with the smell of pizza. Niall immediately sprinted off into the kitchen and Sean and Harry followed him laughingly. They caught Niall already starting to eat the pizza with Anne shaking her head at him. Harry slapped his friend and then took their food upstairs with them after properly greeting his mother. In his room, the boys devoured their pizza and held some small-talk but Harry knew they would ask any second and he really needed to get this off his chest or he would die on those thoughts.

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now" blurted Harry out and made Sean and Niall shut up.

"What exactly do you mean?" hooked Sean gently.

"Is this about Jake?" asked Niall at the same time.

"Yeah, it is" nodded Harry and had no idea how to word his thoughts. "It's just ... nothing's really wrong. He isn't doing anything wrong. It's definitely me but I don't know what it is. At first, I was really happy every time he was near me and my only focus was him, what wasn't good but is beside the point now. I liked it when we were together and I always dreamed of it but it's so different. It's just ... I don't know".

"Let it out, Hazza. What are you feeling?" put Niall a hand on his shoulder.

"I feel like I'm lying to myself. Like I want to like Jake more than I actually do. Does that make sense? I don't know. I ... he found out about the fake-dating when I had my last fight with Louis over the phone because I blurted it out and he was getting all possessive and jealous and stuff and I wasn't against it but ... since then something is different and I can't say what it is" was Harry trying to find the right words but failed miserably.

"You didn't tell us about this. What fight? What happened?" wanted Sean to know curiously.

"My Mum was mad at me. Said I was being different since Jake is with me and she asked about Louis and ordered me to apologise to him while Jake was there. I had no other choice than to do that. But it went wrong. He was so mad at me when I called and was judgy and jealous and I snapped at him again. I ... I said he should accept the fact that Jake is the one fucking me and not him" cringed Harry at his own words.

"Harry, how could you say that? I know you're not on speaking terms right now but that was really low. This boy adores you and you might not feel the same but you don't have to hurt him like this" gasped Niall shocked at him.

"I know this now. I shouldn't have said that but at this moment he was getting on my nerves with his judgy tone and jealousy. In my room I talked to Jake about it and was getting riled up. Along the lines I mentioned the thing and of course, he heard it. He asked me about it. Like how that could be because Louis and I kissed and he heard us having s-sex and I tried to explain everything somehow" stumbled Harry over his words, having a weird feeling in his stomach.

"Well, it seems like he wasn't mad at you. He is still with you every day" noted Niall observingly.

"Yeah, that's true. But the sex thing didn't sit right with him. He was not liking this one bit and we ended up ... you know, having really rough sex and he said he wanted to make sure I know who I belong to. I don't know. It was hot in the moment mostly but he was gone pretty fast afterwards and I couldn't see why this thing with Louis was such a trigger for him" was Harry getting lost in his thoughts.

"Because he was jealous but that's what you wanted. Maybe without the claiming like an animal part, but you said you liked it" reasoned Niall Jake's behaviour.

"I mean, it wasn't unwanted but it was strange and not very enjoyable on my part half of the time. He was so rough and powerful and kinda brutal, almost inconsiderate. Reckless. It was very painful at parts because I didn't have time to adjust or anything and he didn't use any stuff, you know. Nothing against being rough sometimes but you should still take care of the person, at least afterwards but he didn't. Just left me there. This wasn't the first time I noticed this though. Every time he failed to find my spot and was never really able to please me as much as himself but maybe he didn't really try. I just expected it to be different. With Louis it was different and he isn't my boyfriend" fell Harry into a rant about his thoughts about his sex life and felt weird afterwards. "Sorry, didn't mean to say all of this".

Sean and Niall shared a look that Harry didn't understand and then Niall focused his attention on Harry. "Even though I still hate that you two even did that in the first place and I wanna slap you for this, I'm asking you to tell me what was different? How was your first time with Louis?".

"I understand now why you wanna slap me and I deserve it. That was so wrong but somehow I'm glad it happened" admitted Harry and his friends only stared at him in disbelief. "No, I mean ... knowing Jake like I know him now it would never have been a good first time. Just a fuck to get it over with and with Louis ...".

"It was exactly that. A fuck to get it over with. That's what you told him" pointed Sean out, sounding disappointed.

"I hate myself for saying that. He was my best friend and I made him feel bad. What I meant was that with Louis it was so different. Even though he didn't want to do it he was very gentle and careful with everything he was doing. He made sure I was alright and tried not to hurt me in anyway. So tender and soft and ... so different than Jake. My time with Louis was how everyone's first time should be. Well, except for hopefully being in love with each other on top of that" pictured Harry that moment again in his head and had to smile at the memory.

"I get what you're saying and it makes sense" spoke Sean up although he didn't sound like he was agreeing with his own words. Niall was just staring at him.

"Harry, can I ask you something you might not like?" cleared Niall his throat.

"Sure".

"Now that you and Louis don't seem to be friends anymore what is the thing you miss the most?" asked Niall his weird question and Harry frowned at his words. Why did he want to know that? Was he trying to make him even sadder?

"Um ... I'm not sure. His voice, I guess. I miss hearing him talk. He has such a smooth and gentle voice and a talent for words. Sometimes I just like to sit back and listen to him, no matter what he is talking about. I miss how he makes me laugh in class or how he sings to me during our karaoke nights or the band rehearsals. Oh, I miss our karaoke nights. I miss how much fun we had every single second of the day and how we could annoy all of you with our mere presence. I miss how we were joking with Gem about being married and having dinner with my mother together or both our families. I miss him telling me the future isn't so scary as long as we're together and how he always supported me in everything I do even if it was stupid. I miss how he protected me and defended me from you all when you were teasing me. I miss how he was treating me so special compared to all of you and calls me Baby or Haz. But mostly I miss his eyes. Those ocean blue eyes holding so many emotions. Those beautiful eyes just looking at me and giving me all of their attention at any time of the day".

When Harry was done thinking about Louis for too long he looked at his speechless friends and knitted his eyebrows together in confusion. "Why are you looking at me like this?".

"Did you hear what you were just saying?" blinked Sean at him petrified.

"I was talking about Louis like you asked me to" answered Harry confused.

"I asked you to name one thing and not rave about him like a fucking fangirl. The way you talk about him is so soft I wanted to throw myself out the window" corrected Niall him.

"What are you trying to say?" frowned Harry cluelessly.

"You really don't know?" gaped Sean at him but Harry only shook his head.

"My friend, you're hopelessly crushing on Louis. Maybe you're even in love with him" let Niall him know with a huge grin on his face.

"No, no, no. This can't be. You're joking. This isn't funny. I'm with Jake and don't like Louis" denied Harry everything. This couldn't be true.

"The way you talk about them makes it so obvious. You might be attracted to Jake or was but you only care about Louis right now. You miss him so much that you ignore your boyfriend's presence and what you told us about Jake and your sexual activities wasn't that great either. You deserve more than that and it looks like you want something else. Or better someone else" unbosomed Niall to him like he knew everything.

"Nialler, it's enough. Don't overwhelm him like this. You're only scaring him" scolded Sean his friend as he saw Harry's helpless expression.

"Sorry, Hazza. I didn't mean to force this on you. The only one knowing if it's true is you anyway" apologised Niall meekly.

"I don't know. I ... It can't be. That's impossible. Yeah, I admit Jake isn't what I thought he would be but does this directly mean I like Louis instead?" was Harry getting a headache.

"I can't help you with that. You have to know that but the way you talked about him sounded like it".

"He is right. We're not supposed to tell you what you feel. We can only help you with figuring it out. We're here when you need us" agreed Sean with Niall softly.

"Thanks, guys" was the only thing Harry could say right now.

This was all too much for him. He had felt that something was off with Jake and him but never would he have guessed that he could like Louis in this way. For years he had pictured himself with Jake and how he would act and react to certain things but in reality, it was really different. That wasn't Jake's fault. It was his own. Harry had always wanted someone who was caring and gentle and soft and cute and funny and supportive. All of this he had imagined Jake would be but he really wasn't at this point of his life. Maybe in the future. Who knows. But most importantly, Harry needed to figure his feelings out. Was it possible that he was crushing on Louis instead?

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Is he crushing on Louis or is Niall indirectly forcing this on Harry? What is off between Jake and Harry?