(Edited)

Nightmares, I hated them, I despised them; they were cruel and nerve-racking. Your worst fears played on repeat in your mind like a broken record and nothing you could do to stop it. What was worse than my nightmares? My flashbacks. Something I had already experienced and miraculously forgotten. Now it was taunting me, reminding me of all the wrong things that I had done.

Nothing pulled me out of them; not pinching, slapping, screaming or crying, and goodness did I do a lot of that. I usually got flashbacks while I was awake, but this was different; a flashback dream. I couldn't get out of it; nothing worked. I think my body, mind and soul was tired of fighting, tired of messing up and not remembering my past. I was lulled so deep into this dream that I was subconsciously scared. I felt stuck, trapped with no escape, but something in me, a prickling sensation, a buzz in the air told me that I had to experience this. I had to remember so I could save myself. But did I want to? My mind and body felt my spirit give up and consumed me completely, spitting me out in a black hole that was my past. It was weird, I was reliving it all over again, but I knew that this was my past.

It was a regular day, like any other day in my life. I woke up early, cleaned and looked after Max. I packed a bag filled with all kinds of snacks I could afford at the moment, and it wasnt much, because the money I had made that week went to Maxs medical bill. He caught a nasty bug, and I had to take him to the hospital to have him checked out. He was doing much better now. I grabbed a coat for Max, and we left for the park to meet Rayn and the guys. Oh, my goodness, I cant believe I forgot Rayn! He said that he had a surprise for me, and I was giddy to see what it was. We arrived ten minutes later, and Max aimed straight for the swings before I stopped him. I gave him a questioning glare, and he pouted, his brown curls covering his eyes.

"Mamma, can I please go play?" he begged me, giving me the puppy dog eyes.

"Okay, but if I call you or you see the boys come straight back," I informed him, pulling his hair out of his eyes and placing a beanie on him. I kissed him on the cheek and watched him run off. My heart broke being stuck in here, remembering what I had and not be able to do anything. How could I forget my baby? How could I be so cruel? I laid a blanket down away from the shade in the sun; it was a bit chilly. I sat down, pulling the snacks out, while keeping an eye on Max, I unwrapped a candy popping it in my mouth. Two arms embraced me from behind, and I freaked out until I smelled his cologne. I calmed down and laid back against him. He kissed my neck and hugged me tightly.

"Hey, baby girl," Rayn greeted me. I felt my blood boil with anger. How could I have been so stupid to trust a man like him? If only I had known.

I turned my head sideways and looked at the beautiful brown-eyed boy that warmed up my heart. Instead of greeting him, I leaned forward and pecked his lips, pulling away quickly. He pouted.

"You're such a tease."

I smiled innocently. "Me? never." I turned around and held onto him. What would I have become if it wasn't for Rayn and his friends? How could I have taken care of Max without his help? Sometimes the things I had to do for him werent pleasant or legal, but I had to make money to take care of Max. I would complete my task, and afterwards, at night in my bed alone, I would cry myself to sleep, guilt consuming me. I didnt like what I had to do or the lifestyle I had, but I loved Rayn, he was family. If only someone had warned me how it would end up biting me in the butt.

I smiled cheekily at him. "You said you have a surprise for me, where is it?" Before he could answer me, our attention got pulled towards two idiots rolling down a small hill towards us.

"I win!" They both claimed victory in unison. Rayn and I looked at each other and back at the bundle of boys in front of us, laughing.

"You idiots arrived at the same time," Rayn informed them.

"Not true!" Both of them shouted.

"Stop that!"

"Stop copying me!" They both kept shouting things out simultaneously.

"Idiot!"

Rayn sat back and enjoyed their banter, I slapped him on the chest, and he rolled his eyes. "Boys, thats enough!" he ordered, and they stopped. Shawn grabbed some chips and threw it in his mouth. Dustin laid down on his stomach with his face resting on his hands, smiling lazily at me. Unbelievable, Dustin and Shawn have been with me for almost two years, and they didnt say anything. They didnt mention knowing me!

"You two are immature sometimes," I told Dustin with a chuckle.

Dustin gasped and sat up, fake crying. "Rayn, shes being mean to us." He tattled, and Shawn pouted nodding. I glared at them, and Rayn gave them a pat on the back.

"Its okay mate, shes mean to me too." He informed the lads with a smile. I slapped him on the chest and glared at him, making him laugh.

"You jerk! Youre supposed to stick up for your girlfriend. Unless you secretly started dating them?" I asked, smirking at him.

Rayn pulled a face, and the boys gasped. "She figured us out!" I couldn't help but chuckle at how childish they were. Even though I was stuck in this flashback, I could feel and experience everything my old self was going through. Yet my current emotions were swirling in my mind still, warning not to get attached.

"Here comes your surprised!" Rayn whispered in my ear, lovingly. I looked up at what he was pointing at, and my heart swelled with joy and love.

"James?"

"Hey, fighter," he greeted, pulling me into his embrace.

I felt at home, my body and my subconscious knew this was where I belonged. I never wanted to let him go again, but my mind had other plans. Everything around me was starting to disappear. I screamed in my sleep trying to get back to James, even though he was Rayns brother he was my other half, my best friend. The only person I trusted with my entire life.

I woke up with a jolt, sweat covering my whole body. I was shaking; I had never before experienced something like that. Over the past few months, I had small flashbacks here and there, but it was nothing like this, nothing that I couldnt pull myself out of; this shocked me to the core. I couldnt help but hate myself for forgetting them, forgetting my past. I couldnt understand how I forgot all the people in my past but not what I had gone through. I was so confused and hurt. How was it possible to forget everyone? How could they walk around me like I didnt exist, like I didnt matter to them? Maybe they thought I was doing the same.

My goodness, James; he was right there in front of me, and I didnt feel anything. I knew something was familiar, but I couldnt register where it came from. My Maxi how could I forget him, he was the most important person in my life. They all probably hated me; I hated me. I blamed it all on Rayn. That jerk probably told them a bunch of lies when I left, more like dragged away. Why did my life come to this?

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