A teencast Sjips song!fic that's kinda angsty

Everything You Want by  Vertical Horizon

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere there's speaking

It's already coming in

Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind

You never could get it

Unless you were fed it

Now you're here and you don't know why

My phone buzzes next to me, this time a message from Duncan. Where are you?

Somewhere I shouldn't be. At a lake. Skipping rocks. Avoiding everyone. Trying to not think about the going-away party that is being thrown for my best friend.

Picking up a smooth, flat rock I whip it forward and watching as it skips two.. three.. four times before sinking into the water. It helps to relieve some of the anger.

No, I want to shout. Leave me alone! Sjin and I already said goodbye.

A light breeze causes the newly-sprouted leaves on the trees to shake around me. Leaning back on my hands, a bird caw-caw-caw-ing somewhere to my left, I look out across the lake.

My phone buzzes again, another message from Lewis. "Fuck off, jeez! What's the big deal, anyways?" Why don't they understand?

Didn't wanna see your boyfriend off? A message from Smith. Too busy seeing him get off?

I can practically hear him gritting his teeth.

He's the only one I respond to, sending him a message that says 'fuck off kermit.' The nickname drives Smith insane, reminding him of the failed attempt to dye part of his hair green when we were younger.

The next stone I pick up is in no way a good skipping stone. It looks more like a ball of dicks all mashed into a small yellowish ball than anything else. I flick it into the water regardless, watching as water splashes when it lands.

"God, Sjin. Why do you have to be at your stupid going-away party? Why can't you be here with me?" I lay back on the ground, putting my hands behind my head. The ground is uneven and something is digging into my back. I stare into the sky, thinking about all the great times Sjin and I had. When we'd be sitting in the treehouse doing nothing, Sjin curled up in my lap and leaning on my chest. When we'd skip school to hang out at this lake. Stealing beer from my dad and getting wasted after a few cans of the harder stuff.

But under skinned knees and the skid marks

Past the places where you used to learn

You howl and listen

Listen and wait for the

Echoes of angels who won't return

Driving around town, not ready to go home yet, I make my way past the school that made the last thirteen years of my life hell.The street lights start to turn on as the buildings cast shadows and hide the sun's last rays. Past the general store Sjin and I were going to break into just for the hell of it but didn't because a cop drove by and we got cold feet.

Eventually I go home, not even bothering with the front door when I get there. Instead I go around the back and into the small wooded area separating rows of houses from each other.

It doesn't matter that there's not much light illuminating the tree trunk, I've climbed up to the treehouse enough times I could do it in complete darkness. I was forced to once before, when the moon was obstructed by clouds and my dad was in one of his moods.

The treehouse is oddly empty, the sleeping bags and blankets that used to cover the floor are now gone forever. All of the garbage, various snack wrappers and soda bottles, is gone as well. Sjin thought it would be a good idea to clean the place out before he left for University.

An old ratty blanket is one of the few things that remain in the treehouse. I kick it out of the way so I can sit down, propping myself up in the far corner of the house.

As I sit there and wait, for what I'm unsure, I find myself constantly checking the time and perking up at every snap of a twig or rustle of leaves.

Eventually I dozed off, waking some time later with a start. The light from my phone is annoyingly bright but tells me that it's 1:16 a.m. I stretch, groaning as I shift and try and shake some feeling back into my bottom. "Sj-in?" I mutter, reaching a hand out blindly for the taller teen.

My hand finds nothing but wood. My first thought is where the hell did Sjin go but is quickly followed with the realization of he's never coming back.

"He'll- he said he'd visit," I say to no one. The conversation replays in my head.

"Oh, uh, yeah- Yeah! Of course I'll come visit you Sips. I-" He abruptly stopped talking, looking at the ground. He refused to continue, clearly upset about something.

"Never did know what." It comes out as a whisper, barely registers in my brain.

He's everything you want

He's everything you need

He's everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don't know why

An earlier conversation with Duncan pops into my head.Neither of us had stuff to do, so we talked to each other to pass the time. While it's unclear how exactly we got on the subject of my relationship with Sjin, I remember Duncan's reaction quite well.

"Really? No way!"

"Yeah we're just really good friends."

Duncan stares at me incredulously. "You guys are so together!"

At the time I thought back to all the times we'd end up cuddling together in the treehouse or at Sjin's place, spooning each other when we went to bed. "I don't like Sjin like that."

"What? What do you mean? I've seen you kiss him before."

I remember the kiss clearly. It was at a party Ridgedog, a rich bastard who likes to throw extravagant parties when his parents aren't home, was throwing. There was booze, cheap stuff that tasted like piss. I had a few but not enough to be buzzed. I was more concerned about Sjin and the trouble he'd get himself into if I let him out of my sight for more than a minute.

We were standing in the hall that led to the bathroom. Sjin was babbling about corn. The urge to kiss him hit me hard and fast. Reaching up and cupping his cheeks, I slowly brought his face down to meet mine. His lips were soft, tasted of cheap beer and cherries.

It was nice; Sjin wasn't a bad kisser. It made me wonder who else he was kissing. A flash of jealousy ran through me at the thought of him kissing other people but I brushed it off. Reminded myself that Sjin was free to kiss who he wanted.

When we pulled back I noticed Duncan standing near the end of the hallway, his face bright red. Both of us smiled and waved to him. Duncan waved back before muttering to himself and darting away.

"Yea? And?"

"Wha-" Duncan sputters. "Y'know what? Fine. It's not my business. It's clear you both like each other but whatever."

Duncan started playing some war game on his phone after that, occasionally swearing to himself under his breath. I spent the remainder of study hall thinking about his comment.

It's clear you both like each other.

I saw us spending the rest of our life together. Working until we had enough money to leave this town and start anew somewhere else. Just us two. Together, but not.

But he left.

You're waiting for someone

To put you together

You're waiting for someone to push you away

There's always another wound to discover

There's always something more you wish he'd say

College is going to be rough. You'll end up thinking about Sips every time you flirt with someone. Every time someone flirts with you. It will feel wrong, like you're betraying him.

You will want to be with someone. You'll want to be with him. You will wish you would have said something. You'll think: it was obvious. Everyone else could see it. Why couldn't he?

But you'll just sit tight

And watch it unwind

It's only what you're asking for

And you'll be just fine

With all of your time

It's only what you're waiting for

"Hey Sips?"

I hum, not looking away from the TV as Robocop tries to evade ED-209. The volume bar pops up on the bottom of the screen, the blue bar moving down.

"Sips, we need to talk."

I look over at Sjin, surprised at how serious his tone is. He's angled toward me but is looking at the couch. "Sjin?"

He doesn't say anything, picking at frayed strings on the couch. I reach out and take his unusually cold hands in mine. He looks up at me, tears pooling in his sparkling blue eyes. "What's wrong? You don't have a terminal illness or anything do you?"

He laughs, shaking his head. A single tear rolls down his cheek, and I use my thumb to wipe it away. "No, I think I'm fine. It's- I- I got accepted to Columbia University."

"Aw shiiiit, that's great!" Columbia is ranked number three in best architecture programs. Sjin almost didn't apply because he didn't want to be rejected from the school of his dreams. It was only after his woodshop teacher, who insists everyone calls him Berym, said something to Sjin about applying that he finally did it. "I told you, you 'd get accepted, you big babby! So what's wrong?"

"Y-yea but- I'm leaving, Sips."

I'm floored. "What?"

"It- we knew this was going to happen, Sipsy. If I got accepted- I couldn't stay here. It's too far away." It's something I've thought about a lot, especially since that's all anyone seems to be talking about. 'I'm going here, where are you going? You have to visit!'

While everyone else is making plans for the future, I'm making plans for the present. Wondering what will happen when I go home. Wanting nothing more than to be left alone, for people to stop talking about it, stop asking me what my plans are for the future.

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. Come here. We'll figure it out." I gently tug his arm. He willingly slides off the arm of the couch into my lap. We wrap our arms around each other. I hold him close, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt not to cry as Sjin openly sobs into my neck.

It doesn't take long, though, for the floodgates to open.

~;.;~

The next day at school during lunch, Sjin tells everyone he got accepted. Ross announces his acceptance to the school as well, the two talking about trying to room together.

Lewis, being one of the few who understands what this means for me, shifts down a few seats. "Why don't you see if you can go with them, get a place together near campus?"

I know Lewis is just trying to help, but right now I want nothing more than to be left alone. To be done talking about school and graduation. For my life to be flipped upside down when my best friend leaves me. "They'll be too busy with school. We'll visit each other, it'll be fine."

He shrugs, not looking convinced. "You just going to work, then? After school's over?"

I shrug. "Probably. Save up enough money to leave. Leave, and never look back."

He laughs. "Just remember to keep in touch, friend."

Out of the island

Into the highway

Past the places where you might have turned

You never did notice

But you still hide away

The anger of angels who won't return

Driving out of the town you were born and raised in for the last time in a long time, the last couple boxes tucked safely in the back of my car, you once again wonder if you should've told Sips you came back. It's been a month since you've seen each other, a few weeks since you last talked.

Speeding up and signalling as you merge onto the highway you watch as the rusting sign for the community college Sips could've gone to if his mom hadn't left when he was little and his dad decided booze was more important.

Sips was never very good at showing his feelings. There were times where he'd get mad and not say anything and thirty seconds later talking about that one movie Vin Diesel is going to be dancing the Nutcracker with Johnny Depp and you retort with something equally as absurd.

There were also plenty of times he would look at you in such a way that make your stomach flip and your heart swell. But then he'd blink and it would be gone.

You wonder if he thought you didn't like him. But when you think about it, even the most naive person in the world could see. Simon did.

Your heart aches to be with Sips. To be with him, curled up in the treehouse lego talking An exit comes up and you quickly flick your blinker on and get on the off ramp, turning down a dirt road

You drive on this random road for a couple minutes, a cloud of dirt trailing behind you. You only pull over because you have too, angry tears blurring your vision.

"Fuck him," You say to no one. "He had every opportunity to say or do something. I'm not going back only for him to not do anything."

The anger fades and all that's left is the sadness. You start sobbing into your hands, leaning forward until you're resting against the steering wheel.

You don't think you'll ever find someone like Sips again. Sips again. He was everything you weren't. He rose to your falls. He pushed you to take risks I would have been too nervous to take before. He would say something to the snotty kids making homophobic slurs when we walked through the mall. You don't think you'll ever find someone like Sips again, because you don't think you can go through this pain again.

I am everything you want

I am everything you need

I am everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

I say all the right things

At exactly the right time

But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

And I don't know why

Why

I don't know