I hate myself. I hate myself so much because no matter how many times they hurt me I still love them. I still talk to them and have fun with them. I cant be angry at them. They haven't healed from their trauma. That's why they act like this because of their grandparents. I hate myself why cant I ever be mad. I hate that part of me. I hate that I still try to help them. I hate it so much because If I could give it up I wouldn't be hurting anymore. Im so fucking tired. They yell at me and blame me for all of their problems. Literally every.single.thing. Even small things and I get yelled at because my dad can't control his anger. I count the days till I graduate but I can't leave. They won't let me. They won't pay for college. They want me the live with them. All that hard work in the trash all the freaking good grades that I get and awards is never enough isn't it. Why do I still want to get that stuff if I can't even leave. I hate that every single bad thing they have said to me I still love them. I listen to them and do whatever they want without complaining. It's not enough It's never enough. When I do something they take the only good thing away(my friends) and they call me ungrateful and I don't appreciate anything they give me. Im not I do appreciate everything but I need you guys to be there for me mentally. I need that comfort I can't keep coming back from work and having you guys yell at me. I cant keep coming running home whenever you guys want me to. My license is my only freedom and they take that away too. I was excited and I'm excited for new things but now I know it's just another opportunity for them to take it away. I cant keep being perfect. I try to please you and it's never enough you keep wanting more and more and it's so tiring that I kill myself to please you. I cant take this anymore I really cant. They caused this, they caused me to have an obsession with being perfect. They caused my obsession with helping people so they don't feel like me. They caused my obsession with being skinny. They smother me. But they are distant at the same time. I don't know how else to explain it but i'm so lonely. They work 24/7 and alone half of the time and when I want to do something or talk to them they are always in a bad mood. I cant go out except work because I need to take care of my little sister who has autism (she was diagnosed last year). I feel trapped I can't have fun and I don't enjoy the things I used to. I feel independent and I'm only 16. Sometimes I have no motivation that I can't do anything and then my parents yell at me and call me lazy. I just cant anymore they expect me to be a maid and to do all the fucking things they asked. I feel so dead and the lively girl who I was is gone. I feel numb I don't feel anything anymore. I cant even be in my room they complain. It's supposed to be my safe house where there's no contention. I cant close my door because J don't get privacy they say that I don't deserve it because I'm a teenager. What do I have to do to deserve something that's mine. They worry about other things than me I'm not their first priority anymore. I cant even work at my job without them complaining because who is gonna take care of my little sister? I love her but some days I can't because she's really difficult to deal with. Im acting like my dad and I don't have any patience and sometimes I'll have random bursts of energy but it's becoming more rare. I cant sleep i'm always awake. Im exhausted. I also cant control my anger anymore. I feel bad because sometimes lash out on my sister. We have a complicated relationship because we love each other but we don't show it all the time. I need someone to understand what i'm going through and how I feel. I feel more alone because I don't think any of my friends understand. I don't have an appetite anymore sometimes I eat because I know I skipped to many meals. I know I'm not healthy and no matter what I do I can't seem to loose weight because I'm a binge eater. When I'm sad I just eat and eat and eat. But then I try to throw it up but it dosnt work for me so then I feel guilty. It's just when I think everything is going good it doesn't.